Leaving your husband as painlessly as possible

Tempnamesitu · 2024-12-13T19:46:58+00:00

NC for this one. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married 8, he's a generally good guy but I've realised lately that we are just very different people who want very different things in life, so is separating is probably the best outcome for us both. He is not by any stretch abusive but he can be difficult and I know he won't want to make things easy, so I would like to have as much organised as possible and be armed with as much knowledge as possible before I do so. We share a 5yo daughter and our home and a dog, we have minimal savings and no debt. I work part time and don't earn too badly, but I likely will need a UC top up whilst I get on my feet and get back to work full time. I won't be doing anything until into the new year as I wouldn't want to upend my life at Christmas time for the sake of my daughter. What do I do? Where do I start?

DustyLee123 · 14/12/2024 08:48

Start by getting any child benefit put straight into your own account.
Get screen shots of all accounts/pensions/shares etc.
He will be entitled to a home where he can have his child, so will you sell or buy him out?

Original poster

Tempnamesitu · 14/12/2024 14:36

I think he will keep the house, as he can afford to live here comfortably whereas I couldn't, I'd rather somewhere smaller and cheaper and have more disposable income each month.

OP posts:

unclemtty · 14/12/2024 22:42

I can't advise you because you already know what I didn't realise, when you make moves you leave them they often will try and destroy you and the gloves are off.
Hopefully it won't work out that way for you, but it's great that you aren't innocent about what may lie ahead.

One thing I would say is it's incredibly competitive to find rental accommodation so I would start low key researching that, and how the bills might stack up against your income/earnings

TwixForTea · 14/12/2024 22:55

I would get myself back up to working full time before making any plan to leave. I’d get my salary paid into my own bank account, and I’d build up savings for a rent deposit and purchase of furniture.

Do you need a car and if so, do you have a car in your own name?

id also think about how life could work for dh if you leave. Will you be able to help him adjust to doing alternate weeks of childcare for example? How would you feel only seeing your dc every other week?

Lastly I would just say - before I totally changed my dd’s world - I would try, really really hard, to mend bridges with the man I’d built a life with for 15 years. Ask for marital counselling, tell him what he to change… don’t leave a stone unturned.

stripeyshutters · 15/12/2024 00:07

As painlessly for yourself as possible?
Have you discussed your feelings either him and what was his reaction?

BoxOfCats · 15/12/2024 07:51

You need to start with legal advice first. Find out what you would be entitled to and make a plan from there.

Original poster

Tempnamesitu · 15/12/2024 08:26

stripeyshutters · 15/12/2024 00:07

As painlessly for yourself as possible?
Have you discussed your feelings either him and what was his reaction?

Yes, we've spoken many times and he seems pretty reluctant to take on board what I'm saying. He says it's how he is, he isn't going to change and and if I don't like it I know where the door is. He also won't tell me what he wants from our marriage and how I can make him happy, he says he is happy so nothing needs to change.

I've tried planning us days out/weekends away/date nights and he's just miserable the whole time. So currently we spend most evenings in different rooms doing our own thing - and that's not what I want. We have been invited to our friends on NYE and all of our friends and their children will be there, and me and my daughter are going without him as he just doesn't want to go, if I push it will cause an arguement and there will be an atmosphere in the house for Christmas and it isn't worth it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tempnamesitu · 15/12/2024 08:31

TwixForTea · 14/12/2024 22:55

I would get myself back up to working full time before making any plan to leave. I’d get my salary paid into my own bank account, and I’d build up savings for a rent deposit and purchase of furniture.

Do you need a car and if so, do you have a car in your own name?

id also think about how life could work for dh if you leave. Will you be able to help him adjust to doing alternate weeks of childcare for example? How would you feel only seeing your dc every other week?

Lastly I would just say - before I totally changed my dd’s world - I would try, really really hard, to mend bridges with the man I’d built a life with for 15 years. Ask for marital counselling, tell him what he to change… don’t leave a stone unturned.

He's a great dad, and I know he would want to be as involved as he could with her and as much as I despise the thought of being away from her, she deserves a great relationship with her dad. This is where I will struggle though, he won't make it easy for me, he won't care so much on the best practical outcome for splitting he time between us, he will push for what will be the most difficult for me, he does this a lot which is why I don't ever push things with him as he tends to double down.

I have a car that's mine, and my parents could help me out a little financially if needs be.

I have suggested marriage counselling a few times, and he said no.

OP posts:

IceStationZebra · 15/12/2024 08:37

Tempnamesitu · 15/12/2024 08:31

He's a great dad, and I know he would want to be as involved as he could with her and as much as I despise the thought of being away from her, she deserves a great relationship with her dad. This is where I will struggle though, he won't make it easy for me, he won't care so much on the best practical outcome for splitting he time between us, he will push for what will be the most difficult for me, he does this a lot which is why I don't ever push things with him as he tends to double down.

I have a car that's mine, and my parents could help me out a little financially if needs be.

I have suggested marriage counselling a few times, and he said no.

Show quote history

Oh, I could have written this. Watching responses with interest. I was planning to leave this year and it hasn’t happened because I can’t face the drama that it will cause. 🙁

WomanIsTaken · 15/12/2024 08:49

Watching with interest.

OP, you know that your spouse has the potential for a nasty streak -I think you have managed this for years by compensating and compromising a lot in order to keep it in check. So exhsusting; it sounds like you've been doing most of the heavy lifting in trying to make your relationship work for both of you while he, quite content with the status quo, is blocking your efforts by simply doing nothing. As a PP says, the fact that you know how he's likely to turn is a great advantage.

Best of luck.

TheLurpackYears · 15/12/2024 08:52

Spend you time now getting copies (scan into a PDF app) of all financial paperwork, pensions, insurance policies , savings, mortgage etc plus passports, birth certificates. All of it.
Read up on the law and rules that will be applied to your divorce. Gingerbread and Wikidivorce are good sources.
Unless it's a total old banger, your car will be classed as a marital asset, almost nothing of any value will be "yours" or "his" once you press go on the divorce, it will all have a value that will be split between you according to the rules of divorce.
Make a budget for what you will need financially when you split.
Pay for an hour with a solicitor and get a good idea where you stand before you raise the subject with your husband (personally, a free 20/30 minute session wasn't long enough to cover everything that needed covering).
This is going to make waves, and the next year or 2 could be really hard work as it all plays out.
I'm a few months out the other side, it has been awful but I have survived and every day it is a massive relief that I took the right choice and made the leap.

Original poster

Tempnamesitu · 15/12/2024 09:07

IceStationZebra · 15/12/2024 08:37

Oh, I could have written this. Watching responses with interest. I was planning to leave this year and it hasn’t happened because I can’t face the drama that it will cause. 🙁

Show quote history

I've felt the same for a while, and I've consoled myself with the fact that whilst I am not happy, I'm not unhappy either, but this past few months have been much tougher, and for some reason something as silly as NYE has been the tipper for me, he's so adamant he isn't going and he's cross with me for wanting to go, and I feel a little embarrassed that I will have to turn up and explain his absence. He wants me to say he's working.

I just want a relationship with someone who has similar interests to me and enjoys doing the same things, I work so so hard to make everything we do, even with our daughter easy for him to enjoy that I don't end up enjoying them myself and I just don't want that anymore, my daughter is only little once and I want to fully embrace it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tempnamesitu · 15/12/2024 17:49

TheLurpackYears · 15/12/2024 08:52

Spend you time now getting copies (scan into a PDF app) of all financial paperwork, pensions, insurance policies , savings, mortgage etc plus passports, birth certificates. All of it.
Read up on the law and rules that will be applied to your divorce. Gingerbread and Wikidivorce are good sources.
Unless it's a total old banger, your car will be classed as a marital asset, almost nothing of any value will be "yours" or "his" once you press go on the divorce, it will all have a value that will be split between you according to the rules of divorce.
Make a budget for what you will need financially when you split.
Pay for an hour with a solicitor and get a good idea where you stand before you raise the subject with your husband (personally, a free 20/30 minute session wasn't long enough to cover everything that needed covering).
This is going to make waves, and the next year or 2 could be really hard work as it all plays out.
I'm a few months out the other side, it has been awful but I have survived and every day it is a massive relief that I took the right choice and made the leap.

Thank you ♥️ I need to hear from someone who has come out of the other side!

OP posts:

TheseBootsAreWalking · 15/12/2024 18:03

If you are married then the house is a joint asset.

Him dismissing your feelings and concerns and telling you this is who he is and you can leave IS ABUSIVE. This is your family home too, and for someone to tell you this shows lack of character and genuine care. You are the mother of his child. That is not love that is speaking but a manipulation tactic to scare you into staying, or telling you what will happen if you do go. And for you to say he will not make this easy for you makes me think that he has emotionally been neglectful or made you believe that its his way, or you are out. That is abuse.

You are right in taking to leave. Make sure you have all the documents, such as marriage certificate, you will need it when you initiate the divorce, passports for you and DC. And if you must leave the family home, make sure to have documents on the house. Deeds?

Windmill34 · 15/12/2024 18:20

Does he have his own bank/saving account? Do you know how much is in them/have access to them.

You could go on entitled2 and just put your salary in to see what uu you may get, it’s not binding or anything.

will you be go to your mums till you can buy another property?
rent - have a long locally to see what you can afford include all bills - see what’s left
furniture wise- choose what you think will be useful, ie not cooker (there may be one already)
things like
beds/bedding
wardrobes
tv
half the toys

Grassgarden · 15/12/2024 18:23

When I was in this position I went to see a solicitor to see exactly how the land lay. We then spent years in marriage counselling but honestly it was a waste of time, I would just rip the plaster off and tell him. It isn't going to be easy but it will be really worth it, I have never regretted it, even though in many ways my life is far harder than it was when I was married.

Collette78 · 15/12/2024 18:40

Honest answer, there isn’t a way to leave painlessly. It will be painful for you both, even if you are sure it’s what you want you will still be leaving the familiarity, routine and father of your child which can be quite disorienting.

I left my husband nearly 2 years ago and tbh whilst I knew it was coming for a couple of years it was only when the last thing happened that I realised I was done and it took me 2 months to sit him down and tell him.

The only advice I can give is that for you you’ve come to terms with this already, but he seemingly isn’t in the same place so it’s going to be hard for him to digest and you should expect him to be hurt and angry, so there might be a horrible period where mud gets thrown.

Just try and do it with as much kindness as possible, don’t argue over things / objects, be reasonable regarding childcare arrangements and housing etc.