Red flags

[CheekySquid]

As a survivor of coercive control, I’ve learned that recognising the early signs of abuse can be life-saving. This is my list of 'some' moments I should have known. If you relate or want to share your own, add them below. Let’s create a collective warning for others who may need it.

I should have known when he left me after I’d been induced,
to go clubbing instead of staying by my side.

I should have known when he lied about visiting,
while I carried the weight of early pregnancy alone.

I should have known when he punched a hole in the door,
and I told myself it wasn’t directed at me.

I should have known when he called me fat and lazy,
his words cutting deeper than silence ever could.

I should have known when he dismissed my tears,
as overreacting, making me question my own feelings.

I should have known when he twisted the truth,
and I began to lose track of what was real.

I should have known when I started to feel small,
as if shrinking would keep me safe.

I should have known.

What were your red flags? Share your lines below to help others recognise the early signs.

I should have known when he didn’t like any of my friends

I should have known when he compared me unfavourably to his ex

I should have known when he criticised my clothes

I should have known when he told me my aspirations were unachievable

I should have known when he started calling me crazy

I should have known when he humiliated me in public on purpose

I should have known when he accused me of cheating

I should have known when he told me I was fat and unattractive

I should have known when he wouldn’t go to the hospital with me when I was pregnant and bleeding heavily because he had to get up for work

I should have known when he belittled me repeatedly

I should have known when I couldn’t do anything right

I should’ve known when he flirted with other girls in front of me

I should have known when he pushed me

I should have know when he started giving me that look like he was about to physically attack me

I should have known when he started smashing up things in the house

I should have known when he controlled all the money

I should have known when he threatened to take my children from me

"Thank you for sharing. Every single line resonates. It's often only with distance that red flags become clear. Your courage helps others see what’s hard to recognise in the moment. 💜"

I should have known:
When he wanted to keep our relationship a secret
When my brother met him once and said, "he's the kind of man who hits women"
When I confided in my friend how he had called me a cunt, and she warned me "that's how they start"
When he made cruel "jokes" about my appearance in public and private
When he argued for hours/days/nights to wear me down as he always had to be right
When he persuaded me not to finish courses/tried to stop me doing further study
When he tried to turn me against my friends
When he raged at me in the street the day after our wedding that I had let his family witness us having an argument
When he deprived me of sleep, waking me up demanding meals at 1am, or continued old rants/started new ones
When he used waking the children as a weapon to silence me
When he informed me I was stupid, and that screaming at me would help me to learn
When I had to give up my profession and work part time jobs to avoid leaving the children with him
When he was incredulous and angry that I had to ask him to cook when I came out of hospital following an operation
When he informed me out of the blue that if we divorced, he would get the children as no one would believe me because of my family background
When he warned me I didn't know what he was capable of
When he informed me I was lucky he was not the kind of man to hit women
When he pushed and shoved me out of his way
When he locked me in cold rooms in the early hours with no explanation, refusing to let me out for a long time
When he followed me from room to room, berating me and blocking exits, knowing how traumatic this was for me
When he made me responsible for every aspect of our life and demanded instant recall, facts and figures- always looking for inconsistencies or hesitation
When he attacked me when pregnant, pinning me down, screaming abuse in my face, making me repeat instructions until word perfect, refusing to let me sleep, removing bed covers, keeping lights on
When he cut off my 999 call to the police, before putting on his best suit to await their arrival, then lie to them
When he started to tell the children I was mentally unstable and trying to kill him
When he appealed to the children, shouting that I was starving him on purpose if his meals not ready soon after coming in
When he screamed in my face in front of the children if he didn't approve of the meals I had made for them
When he discovered that I had opened my own bank account-I had to lock myself in a room to escape
When his gaslighting and explosive rage became so severe that I had to record him and write notes to myself to capture what was really happening
When his alcohol intake was a predictor of inevitable escalation

Last week I found a hidden note (written when I was attacked when pregnant) and I am haunted by how long I took to leave him.

I should have known when I realised he hadn't told anyone at work I had cancer because he didn't want his colleagues suggesting he leave work at a reasonable hour
I should have known when he roared at me any time I tried to make a spending decision
I should have known when said he couldn't ask for consent because talking during sex made him uncomfortable. And insisted he could tell I enjoyed it because of the way my legs moved.
And thousands more variations of each of the above.

@stormwatcher that was a harrowing read,I'm glad you got yourself and your children away from him.
He should be in prison that's one very dangerous individual.

He sounds like my ex-husband. Knowing what I know 26 years later, being called a cunt once would be a dealbreaker.

I should have known when he told me he'd love me more if we had sex (I was 14, he was 16).

I should have known when he let his friends mock me.

I should have known when he ditched me in an unfamiliar place because he was in a bad mood.

I should have known when he told me there's was no need for me to be so sensitive.

I should have known when he stole my money.

I should have known when he cheated on me with my best friend. And the girl he met in a hostel. And his friends sister. And (once we were adults) and woman he met on the Internet.

I should have known when he told me it was my fault he physically assaulted me.

I should have got out when he didn't listen to "no" and "stop". Each and every time.

For those who haven't left yet - you CAN do this. I haven't seen him in almost 8 years and I'm so, so much happier. More often than not, after years of therapy, it now just feels like a really bad dream.

2005-2024

I should have known when I told him I was pregnant at 6 months and he told me to ‘get rid of it’
I should have known when he switched his phone off on the night I went into labour
I should have known on the day I gave birth and he came to visit after coming home with baby and he got his willy out wanting a blow job
I should have known when he denied baby was his and tell everyone I was a slag and had to have a dna test to prove it was
I should have known when he tried paying his best friend to have the dna test so it would come back negative
I should have known when I finally started getting over him and he worked his way back in because he couldn’t bear seeing me happy
I should have known when I got in a relationship with him and he slept with my sister whilst I was at work
I should have known when he started slagging off my family
I should have known when he hated all my friends and called them all slags yet tried texting them to meet up with him
I should have known when his family especially his mum started emotionally abusing me
I should have known when he never had my back
I should have known when he said he had no respect for me
I should have known when he’d spit in my face
I should have known when I gave birth to 3rd child he’d tell everyone and anyone that I pooed myself giving birth
I should have known when he always said I think I’m better looking than I am and I needed bringing down a leg or two
I should have known when I caught him messaging other girls
I should have known on the day I gave birth to 3rd child I got a message from a woman saying he’d been cheating on me and he broke my phone in anger
I should have known when he didn’t care when I was poorly and it was a massive inconvenience for him
I should have known knowing he was a mummy’s boy
I should have known when we went on holiday together and he disappeared every day to ring his side piece
I should have known that when he went off sex it meant he was getting a lot more elsewhere
I should have known when his mum made me stop breastfeeding as she thought my baby wasn’t getting enough nutrients from me
I should have known when as soon as I gave birth his mum barged into labour room and took baby off me and wouldn’t give him back until the midwife shouted at her
I should have known when he always was sexist about women
I should have known when his mum attacked me and he beat me up afterwards because he said I’d ’disrespected’ his mum
I should have known when he shattered my kneecap
I should have known when he gave me an std
I should have known when I found out I had cancer and had to go get results on my own
I should have known when he had no care or sympathy for me after my operation I should have known when 3 weeks before my operation he broke 5 of my ribs so I had to have operation awake because it was too dangerous to put me to sleep
I should have known the 7 out of 8 times I was in hospital I had to lay him his diesel and parking to come and see me
I should have known when I was being sick at home during cancer treatment that he’d make me clean my sick up as I was still being sick
I should have known when he always called me a lazy cunt
I should have known when he made me cook for 8 people day after my operation
I should have known when he said I used to have nice legs and now there ruined because of scars
I should have known when he always called me fat
I should have known when he always told me to kill myself
I should have known when he said I’m not strong enough to fight cancer
I should have known when I went to see surgeon he’d tell me afterwards that she wanted to shag him as he could tell by the way he looked at her
I should have known when I had to beg him to take me to hospital and he wouldn’t so I had to call an ambulance
I should have known when he wouldn’t take me to any of my appointments
I should have known when I spent 3 weeks in hospital due to side affect of cancer treatment he didn’t ring or text me in 3 weeks and didn’t fetch my children to see me
I should have known when I got discharged and had to get a taxi home
I should have known when he kicked me out and made me homeless after being discharged from the hospital
I should have known he’d been cheating on me from month after I found out about the cancer and I became an inconvenience to him as cancer made me ‘not a proper woman’
I should have known when he constantly called me crazy and said things didn’t happen the way they did and it was all in my head
I should have known when he threw my cancer medication in the bin
I should have known when he burnt all my possessions
I should have known when he hated me resting whilst I was poorly
I should have known when he told me to cover up my legs when his family or friends were there
I should have known when he went missing on a night out and found out he’s gone to a hotel with a colleague but I had to pick him up at 3am
I should have known when he’d constantly call me ‘a bad egg’
I should have known when he ran over my feet with pushchair because I ‘was having too much fun’ on holiday
I should have known when he stopped being affectionate
I should have known when I broke down crying at night and he’d fall asleep knowing I was broken inside
I should have known when he did a million more things and he said he won’t be happy until I’m dead
I should have known when I said my worst fear is getting buried so I want to be cremated and he said he’d get me buried

I should have known:

When he raged
When he called me a cunt
When he tried to get out of a moving car
When he raged at me literally minutes before putting on a happy face to my family

I should have known when she criticises my choice of clothing.
I should have known when she mocks my vocabulary, the way I speak and my level of education.
I should have known when she calls me pompous, stuck up and a snob.
I should have known when she described autistic people as "slow and backward" - I am autistic!
I should have known when she called me "stupid" because I failed to understand something which was obvious to her.
I should have known when she forced me to end a friendship with an old female friend, but 'triangulates' by frequently talking about, meeting and even going out to eat with an old male friend of hers.
I should have known when she has taken great delight in giving me graphic detail about the "good sex" she has had in the past and 'rubbishing' my performance.
I should have known when she 'punishes' me in some way, shape or form if I ever try to stand up to her.
I should have known when she admits to being jealous, even over minor things, like her mum giving me a sweet, and not her, or members of her family sharing pictures with me and not her.
I should have known when she boasts about the appalling things she has done when drunk, vomiting in taxis and decamping without paying the fare, urinating in public, wetting the bed, urinating in the ottoman in her spare room, mistaking it for the toilet, going round pubs or the bars at Cheltenham Races, "snogging" as she puts it, all the "good looking" men.
I should have known when she calls me fat and says I have an obsession with food - neither of which is true!
I should have known when she never makes the effort to come and visit me or help with my projects, but every weekend expects me to go to her and spend most of the weekend helping her family and friends in their gardens (or, more accurately, doing it all for them, for no reward, as gardening is my profession).
I should have known when she talks constantly about herself, but never listens to me or shows any interest in anything I have to say - calling me 'secretive' and too 'quiet' - but I have learned not to waste my breath or feed my thoughts and feelings to one who will melt them into bullets to use against me in order to humiliate, belittle or undermine me.
I should have known when she described herself as being a "drinker, always have been, always will be, I enjoy it and I'm not going to stop now", telling me that I have an "issue" with alcohol because, as a result of being brought up with an alcoholic mother, I am wary, cautious and watchful around alcohol and virtually teatotal. Constant attempts to get me to overstep my boundaries around this.
I should have known when she physically hurt me the other week, reaching across and squeezing the side of my chest so hard that it caused me pain and saying "you will watch this film" because I had disassociated from a film which didn't appeal to me. And the following day, when I tackled her about it, in a calm, measured way, she firstly denied that it had ever happened and then said that, if it did, it was just 'fun' or 'playfulness '

Yes, it happens to men too! But I am working on my exit strategy for the New Year

Many, many other things too, but, most of all, an overwhelming sense of not being able to breathe, be myself or feel that I am constantly tiptoeing around her, on eggshells, lest I be castigated or raise her ire by doing or saying the wrong thing...

In the early days

I should have known when I heard how he spoke about his ex.

I should have known when he incessantly text rather than thinking it was amazing someone was so interested in me.

I should have recognised when he was love bombing me.

I should have known when he would ignore me for days.

A few years in and one child later: **

I should have known when he started wrecking every weekend when we were away together with his moods and nasty words.

I should have known when I saw him drinking most nights I was with him.

I should have known when he put me down as a joke in front of a room full of wedding guests whilst being heavily pregnant.

A five years in once we were living together:

I should have known when he criticised what I ate.

I should have known when he called me lazy even though I did everything.

I should have known when he put me down for the work I do.

I should have known when he wouldn’t prioritise me or the younger children over his abusive adult son.

I should have known when he started critizing my younger children whenever we were alone.

I should have known when he refused to help when I was unwell.

I should have known when he kept telling me I need to walk on my badly sprained ankle to make it get better - so I could basically sort all the food out for his family that we due to come round.

I should have known when I was called lazy for using a dishwasher or for using a mop and not scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees.

I should have known when he called me a bad mother for wanting him to help share school pick ups/drop offs.

I should have known when he called me a bad mother when I arrived home at 6pm rather than 5pm to make the children’s tea after being at work all day.

I should have known when he called me over sensitive to the horrible names he called me.

I should have known when he started saying misogynistic jokes about me.

I started to wonder but was afraid to leave when:

He smashed the hoover to pieces in front of me in temper.

He kicked holes in the door in anger.

He threw cups of coffee or cans of beer across the kitchen.

He slammed doors to show his disgust.

He became intolerant of the children and was constantly losing it with them.

When I started to struggle to function and was tearful all the time.

I got stronger when:

I received counselling for my mental health that had declined due to him

I visited Women’s Aid and got support from women going through the same issues.

I made a safety plan and started preparing to leave.

I should have known when he said he can’t be in a relationship with someone and not have sex, but wont leave me.

i should have known when he asked to keep the relationship private.

i should have known when he wouldn't let me hold him for support when i was pregnant in public.

i should have known when he would rather not pick my calls because he was on the phone with his friends even though i was a new first time mum.

i should have known when even as a new first time mum i did all chores, cooking and tending to baby.

i should have known when he said not to do my masters as he couldn’t push the buggy to help drop our child at the childminder’s.

i should known when he couldn't even sit in the hall to watch me walk the stage at my Masters graduation.

i should have known when he said i would never have as much money as him. He was not a great earner, I earned more.

i should have known when i never told him how much i earned out of fear of how he’d react.

i should have known when i couldn’t voice my opinion.

i should have known when he told me not to work full time.

i should have known when he wouldn’t look after our toddler in other for me to go to work on days he's not working.

i should have known when he prevented me from going out.

i should have known when he lied to people about me.

i should have known when he embarrassed me about my appearance.

i should have known when he wouldn’t stand up for me in public.

i should have known when he would curse me and I couldn’t speak back.

i should have known when he said my parents couldn’t come around

i should have known when he compared me to other women and his ex unfavourably
i should have known when he said no one will want me.

i should have known when he left me at the hospital after giving birth to go to work with no one around with me in the hospital (i had twins)

I should have known when he will keep malice with me and tell he does it on purpose as that will make me do what he wants. He knew I didn’t have friends or family around.

i should have known when he wouldn’t give me money for food because i dared to disobey him.

i should have known when he would tell me what yo wear when we go out.

i should have known when instead of helping me around the house or with the kids accuse me of spending the day doing chores because i don’t “do my things on time”

I always say my only regret was not leaving sooner!

Bumping this thread as it may help people that have watched Emmerdale this evening x