My husband (38M) has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and he was also "on the line" for Autism too but have yet to be diagnosed for that. He hasn't started his medication yet as he claims his ADHD is preventing him from taking the action to apply for it (we've gone private).
I guess I'm on here for a bit of advice and to vent. We had issues over the years and there has been alot of resentment built between us. The recent ADHD diagnosis has enlightened us both about some of his behaviour over the years. I am trying (probably not hard enough) to be more patient and understanding but I'm struggling.
My husband has also been diagnosed with fatty liver disease, type 2 diabetes, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS - faulty collagen so affects his joints and is in chronic pain), ADHD and recently started on anti depressants. As you can see, the list has grown over the last 6 years and with every new diagnosis, this creates alot of stress between us. I feel for my husband, he is the one that has to go through all of these either mentally or physically and the list seemed to have snowballed over rhe course of 6 years.
I have been trying to check his needs are met first (he walks with a walking stick most days and uses a wheelchair on bad days), that he's comfortable. I have been actively researching on things that can help him with his pain - gadgets, massagers, saunas, osteopath, wellness coach etc. I have tried to be more understand and patient with his ADHDness - I don't "nag" anymore, I let things go, turn a blind eye, try to find new methods to help him with his forgetfulness/tasks to do. But I have gotten to the point where I am just burnt-out.
I mentioned there's alot of resentment between us: my husband cheated on me online by messaging other women in exchange for naughty photos/videos and potentially meeting up for sex. He even offered £200 towards their rent with barely a conversation going. He got caught within a week of signing up to this site (I will never know how far it could've went but he says it would never have gotten physical). He is also addicted to p*rn. He has used live sex webcams which aren't cheap and have subscribed to many accounts on OnlyFans etc.
After this incident, we started couples therapy. It was okay, we did learn new skills on how to communicate better but it felt more like reporting back to your teacher at each session and grassing the other up - it didn't feel right. We've also had instances where after an argument on our trip to London, my husband decides to disappear and goes to a bar. Has alot of drinks and meets a few guys. Goes to a strip club, follow the men to their flat and spends ££££s in coke. Whilst during this time, using the track my phone app, I was concerned that he was cheating on me or got into bother. I called the police and they had to wait with me at my hotel room until they got a hold of my husband. This went on until 5am in the morning. I was in tears distraught to find out what he had been up to. Such reckless behaviour (ADHD) and breaking my trust yet again with a trip to the strip club (which I am so against) and spending alot of our hard earned money on other women and drugs.
A few months later, we go to a gig together with friends. He obviously had too many drinks and starts acting flirtatiously with some of my girl friends and other women around (I was standing right there) and he insists on a night out after the gig. I decline and I insisted him not to go (I am still insecure) yet he goes with a mate. He ends up at a strip club yet again. After this incident, my husband decided not to drink again. He isn't a big drinker however, struggles to stop once he starts and with the strong medication he is on (takes them every 4 hours), the drink was making him worse. He claims he has no recollection of anything once he drinks.
His impulsive spending is also an issue, we were getting a parcel nearly every day at our doorstep. He physically couldn't mow the grass over summer due to his condition so I started doing it (it takes me 2 hrs) and the garden duties were always my husbands job. He needed to get the bin sticker from the council. It took him 2/3 months before he got one. Our finances are a complete mess. My husband is very adamant that out kitchen worktops are immaculately tidy yet the cupboards are a complete mess. The garage is now a hoarders store room/mess.
He has also recently decided to start drinking again. The conversation started with just once glass of wine. We had a social gathering one weekend, concerned, I asked him how many drinks he was planning on having. He said one or two. I had to bring this difficult conversation up. In my eyes, bad things always happens when my husband drinks. He didn't understand what the big deal was. Is this the Autism/Adhd?
I am really trying to be more understanding. The old me would've "nagged" at my husband for not sorting out the bin sticker. "Nagged" at him for the mess he created in the garage. We bought a new robot lawnmower which I had done all the research for and my husband is responsible for controlling the lawnmower on the app. The lawnmower is currently sitting in our garden for weeks now not charging at his Dock. Neither did it finish its mowing. He recently subscribed to Onlyfans again. He apologised after he got caught and claims its the ADHD in him that's doing it. Etc etc etc. With all of this, I am struggling to show more patience and empathy. Along with his ADHD traits, I am also resentful from all the hurt he has put me through. We have a business and 2 young children together, there is alot at stake.
I'm not perfect by any means, my husband says that I have been emotionally abusive to him over the years and that I undermine him, talk down at him and don't treat him like an equal and that I don't take responsibility for my own faults.
Am I a weak dumb woman for sticking with him? Should I walk away? I feel am at that stage. I just don't know whether I am being too nice about all of this and treated like an idiot or whether it is the ADHD/Autism in him that's making him like this.
If you manage to reach to the end, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this.