Cheating?

[danid26]

Hi all,

Very long story short, my husband was accused of an affair at the beginning of the year, by said OW husband. But he did not have any proof. After turning full blown detective I could not find proof either. We own a house together and have a 18mo DS. I decided to let it go. Until last month, I was looking though photos on his phone and found a screenshot from said OW but it didn't say who the other messages were from. Obviously very suggestive messages, that DH claims was sent to him by a friend and they were laughing at it? Anyway, this made me feel very uneasy. I then went through his WhatsApp contacts and found her saved in his phone under another name? It just doesn't add up. All of this has obviously made me start to not trust him. But again, I cannot find concrete evidence. I have confronted him, and he has denied everything, I have also confronted her who has also denied everything. I just don't know what to do! Any advice appreciated.

I should probably add, no. There is no times he's home late, or sneaking off suspiciously. He's not even protective over his phone. It just doesn't make sense.

He’s got a screenshot of a suggestive message written by her. And you believe him when he says a mate sent it to him? And she’s saved in his phone under another name? And her husband thinks they’ve been having an affair?

How many more glaringly obvious signs do you need?! I’d bet my house that he’s lying to you. Even if he’s not physically meeting her, he’s almost certainly sexting her.

@PinotPony I totally agree with what your saying. I almost don't want to believe it to be honest. As I said this first came out around a year ago, when I was pretty much on deaths door after childbirth. I just don't want to believe he would do that to me. I suppose I'd better start to believe!

So many people assume that if there’s no evidence in their phone that’s it. My not so bright exH was wily enough to go out and buy a second secret phone when he began his EA. Kept it in his work van so I wouldn’t find it.

Affairs can easily be carried out during working hours OP. Or when he is supposed to be somewhere else - gym, football training, out with pals etc.

Really you need to read what you have posted here on this thread: all the signs are there. You would have to have blind faith to believe he is NOT having an affair.

And if he has behaved like this when you have gone through traumatic child birth then he is an out and out bastard.

My DH had a full blown affair for several weeks and he was never home late or anything that caused suspicion. Turns out they meeting in hotel rooms during working hours. They also had a group chat in Signal under a boring name with disappearing messages and no alerts.

You don't need concrete proof. If you're already suspicious, I think that tells you a lot.

If it walks like a duck….

I totally agree with everything you are all saying. I just don't understand that if you are so brazen about having an affair in the first place. Why not just be honest about it?! Don't come home and act perfectly normal. I think I have a massive issue in believing the best in everyone and taking things at face value. But my gut generally isn't wrong.

Absolutely cheating.

He doesn’t have to be home late, he could be using annual leave and pretending he’s going to work.

For whatever reason he still wants to be with you and your family which is why he isn’t leaving you for her. Don’t let him have everything he wants and find your out.

To be honest guys, I'm just totally gutted. I've literally done and supported this person through a LOT. More than one person should in any life time. We've been together for 15 years. And it feels like a massive middle finger. Alternatively (as I do tend to be a little hot headed) I would like to handle this gracefully. As soon as I found all this I went too leave, he cried and denied it and I backed down (stupidly).

Awww he cried. You mean crocodile tears. He’s cheating. Why else would he save her name under a false name? He wouldn’t. He’s a rat. He did this when you were recovering from having his child, possibly when you were pregnant too. It’s probably been going on this entire time. He doesn’t want to admit it because he probably doesn’t want to have to split his assets with you, probably doesn’t want to be seen as the scumbag who cheated on his wife and destroyed his family, especially with such a young child. Get him to fuck right off! You deserve far, far better than this. Get half of everything and make sure he pays child maintenance. I’ve been a single mum and I’m telling you it’s much easier than being with a scumbag. You even get more time to yourself when they have contact with their dad.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. As the others have said, it all doesn't quite add up. I've not used it myself but there are cheating spouse tracking apps available if you wanted "evidence".

What did the ow husband have to say? If he found out more than you know?
It's cheating in the form of inappropriate messaging which you have found, he is very silly to deny that and it's an insult to your intelligence, Whether or not it went any further who knows, but nevertheless cheating.
You can still ask him to leave, it's never too late to decide you cannot move on from it.

This literally could have been written by myself in normal circumstances. And literally the advice I would give to anyone else. I just can't believe how naive I've been to it all to be honest. It's almost like my mind is blanking it out.

He messaged and told me he had screenshots, but couldn't find them when I asked him to send them to me! I totally agree x

It’s a trauma response. You’re in shock.

Saving the affair partner under different name is a very common practice. They usually exist as opposite sex so Fiona becomes Finlay and Mark is Maggie- same letters to begin with is not coincidence.

Cheaters cheat, they lie,lie and lie some more even when presented with cast iron evidence. They swear on lives of their children there’s nobody else. They lie.

Cheating is mindfucking business to unsuspecting (to start with) spouse. Then they start shifting the blame,project,accuse,withdraw,gaslight and whatever.

Faced with losing the family they cry, swear on their children’s lives again „it was nothing,just sex, I love you and only you”.

Except if they had truly loved you they would have never repeatedly cheated.

Mistress is for fun,sex,laughter,wining,dining,entertainment,jokes,conversation.

Wife is for labour,child rearing,housekeeping and all daily drudgery.

The bastard is happy to take from wife and children and give them FA while lavishing the mistress with time,effort,energy and money.

It is more than middle finger and ultimate betrayal.

Sometimes the tables turn though- mistress is not interested in doing all the shitty jobs that the cheating bastard assigned to wife and disappears. Love rat ends up with vacancy on both wife and mistress positions.

Have a look at Chump Lady „Loose a Cheater,Gain A Life”. Worth reading.

Good luck OP.

Probably not his first affair seeing as he’s left no clues.

I can understand why you feel suspicious and cannot trust him. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's having an affair. If you've found no proof and they both deny it, it's a slight chance that you could just be paranoid. I know when something like that becomes a rumor, you have the right to wonder if it's really true, but if it's more than just a rumor and you have this gut feeling, you could be right. I'd look more into it if I was were you, but I wouldn't obsess over it or waste too much time on it until you have solid proof that this is really happening, or not. And if it is, what are you prepared to do?
Best wishes!!

@AskJateace thank you for your reply, I do feel I'm slightly obsessing over it. I feel if this is to be true, I would leave. I just feel I deserve more, I'm the type of person that's very precious with my trust, and if it's broken that's that, I'd never trust him again and it would destroy both of us, including our beautiful baby. I just don't know what to think to it all, it doesn't make sense! x