Lying possibly cheating

Whathappensnowplease · 13/12/2024 11:34

I'm sorry OP but as far as i'm concerned there is never a reason for lying. A relationship needs trust to survive and once you know your partner lies to you the trust is broken.

He obviously lied for a reason.

Do you know who this woman colleague is? Have you met her? Is it someone he mentions a lot?

Mrsttcno1 · 13/12/2024 11:34

That is strange OP, the fact he’s lied about it does make it seem there was more to it than just a lift home.

ErickBroch · 13/12/2024 11:42

Hard to know without any other context here. He could have been too worried to tell you because of your reaction - but that would depend on your history and if he has lied/cheated before - which I can understand why you would not be happy.

Original poster

Crazymad15 · 13/12/2024 12:00

I've never met her...... he's never mentioned her name.

The last 4 weeks he has been glued to his phone off all hours not given me attention.

Nothing has happened in the past other than a previous work colleague trying to split us up with her inappropriate messages sent to him.

He openly showed me them all one night when drunk which I told him enough is enough no more contact with said person. As it could get him into bother with HR. I told him to inform HR but he refused at the time.

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before.

But lately this has happened and confused why lie

OP posts:

Whathappensnowplease · 13/12/2024 12:05

ErickBroch · 13/12/2024 11:42

Hard to know without any other context here. He could have been too worried to tell you because of your reaction - but that would depend on your history and if he has lied/cheated before - which I can understand why you would not be happy.

Even if it was something "innocent" and he was worried about OP's reaction there is still no excuse for lying.
For a start a lie automatically makes it appear it wasn't " innocent".
And lies grow: you need more lies to back up and cover the original lie.
Besides now OP has no reason to think he has been truthful with her in the past. This could just be the first lie that she has identified.
I don't know if OP has talked to her DH about this but I would be confronting him about the lie.

MondayTueWed · 13/12/2024 12:07

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Oh come on OP! Let me guess who told you this?? Your DH?

Open your eyes.

lto2019 · 13/12/2024 12:08

I was going to ask why you 'clearly knew he was lying' just because he was late but your later post and his phone behaviour suggests you were already suspicious.

It sounds like he has form for duplicitous behaviour which he then blames on the woman. This "Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before." also sounds highly unlikely particularly the 'most' part and sounds like something that is laying the ground work for future excuses.

He lied either because he was doing something wrong or wants to or he knew telling you the truth would lead to accusations - justified or not and wanted to avoid the drama.
Personally, I feel life is too short to be with someone you don't trust and whether it is him doing something or you being paranoid - it is unlikely to change and will erode the relationship eventually.

Whathappensnowplease · 13/12/2024 12:12

Crazymad15 · 13/12/2024 12:00

I've never met her...... he's never mentioned her name.

The last 4 weeks he has been glued to his phone off all hours not given me attention.

Nothing has happened in the past other than a previous work colleague trying to split us up with her inappropriate messages sent to him.

He openly showed me them all one night when drunk which I told him enough is enough no more contact with said person. As it could get him into bother with HR. I told him to inform HR but he refused at the time.

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before.

But lately this has happened and confused why lie

So how did he react when he received inappropriate messages from his previous work colleague. Did he shut her down and tell her they were inappropriate or did he encourage her?

Sounds to me he is spinning you a line about the younger women coming onto the men to advance their career. It sounds as though he is making excuses for his inappropriate behaviour with the women at his work. It's all the women's fault: the men can't help themselves, they are the victims.

He doesn't sound like a trustworthy man with boundaries.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 13/12/2024 12:14

It's highly unlikely that so called bright-sparky-sexy young women send men unsolicited messages out of the blue with inappropriate content or inciting them to leave their wives unless they have been given reason to think that the messages would be well received.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 13/12/2024 12:23

MondayTueWed · 13/12/2024 12:07

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Oh come on OP! Let me guess who told you this?? Your DH?

Open your eyes.

I know right?! Good grief some women will believe anything!

The kind of viper woman who enters an office and targets every single man with a wedding band regardless of their reaction like some kind of bunny boiler is....

...very very rare.

So rare in fact that I'd call bullshit.

ForPearlViper · 13/12/2024 12:31

Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before.

To be honest, I'd have been out the door the minute he started making those sorts of statements, never mind being unfaithful.

ShouldIEvenBother · 13/12/2024 12:33

"She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.
Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before."

OP - kindly, and respectfully, he is telling lies here and banking on you swallowing his bullshit as gospel.

I've never worked in a place where younger females do this to try to work their way up - I am not saying this doesn't happen (maybe on the odd, rare occasion, but as I say, it's nothing I've ever seen). Your husband is spinning the narrative here in case he gets caught.

Please take the rose glasses off.

ErickBroch · 13/12/2024 16:18

Whathappensnowplease · 13/12/2024 12:05

Even if it was something "innocent" and he was worried about OP's reaction there is still no excuse for lying.
For a start a lie automatically makes it appear it wasn't " innocent".
And lies grow: you need more lies to back up and cover the original lie.
Besides now OP has no reason to think he has been truthful with her in the past. This could just be the first lie that she has identified.
I don't know if OP has talked to her DH about this but I would be confronting him about the lie.

Show quote history

I used to be in a very abusive relationship and would have had to lie about things like this (helping someone who was a man) or I would have faced the consequences - that is what I meant.

Her follow-up shows he has form for this and clearly is behaving terribly all the time. OP, these women are not 'trying to split you up' - he is actively encouraging it all!

Bookworm20 · 13/12/2024 16:47

from what you have written he is both lying and cheating. I would say there zero chance its 'possibly' cheating.
He has already laid the ground work in telling you what a chore it is for him and his male collegues fighting off all these virile young women in the office on a daily basis. Those poor men hey?
And he has form for messaging a collegue at work - one that targets ALL the men no less, yet he didn't shut it striaght down from what you've said. He likely showed you when drunk to put you in your place as in 'another woman wants me' type scenario.
Honestly. he didn't mention it because its his new little secret. I highly suspect the woman in question has zero idea he is married. Or probaly thinks the marriage is over and hes in the process of seperating, the poor lamb.
I'd not bother asking him because he will come up with some tripe about not telling you because you'd get the wrong idea and be jealous.
And if that is genuinely the case why would you want to stay married to someone so epically stupid as to lie to his wife following previous infidelity so as 'to not make her upset'. If he can't be open and honest then tell him to do one.
I'm sorry op, he has got into your head and he isn't a good'n so to speak. You'll be amazed how clear things become once you spend a few weeks away from him. I'd be thinking of doing that at the very least.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2024 05:57

@Crazymad15, in my view he is indeed cheating, and it’s not the first time he has trashed his fidelity.

His phone behavior has changed and he has withdrawn his attention from you. It is clear that his focus and energy are being channeled elsewhere. He lied about being with this woman, just like he previously lied that the other female colleague’s inappropriate interest/actions were one-sided. This is the second known instance of his illicit behavior with women.

You may want to further investigate his devices, statements, car, pockets, work/gym bags, etc., but for the lying alone I would be showing him the door while I seriously considered my options. I don’t tolerate lying or being made a fool of.

Raindaer66 · 14/12/2024 06:19

Crazymad15 · 13/12/2024 11:29

I really don't know what to do.

OH was over an hour late in from work after midnight, he drives stays approx 40 mins from work. He said was incident at work that held him up.

Clearly I knew he was lying and had a gut feeling and found evidence off him finishing at normal time and taking a female colleague home.

He can be like that and help people out if stranded but he normally says but he physically lied regarding that night.

I can't understand why he's lied to me.... want to scream.

I would go away for the weekend for a few days to think if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who lies to his wife

Lurkingandlearning · 14/12/2024 09:22

Crazymad15 · 13/12/2024 12:00

I've never met her...... he's never mentioned her name.

The last 4 weeks he has been glued to his phone off all hours not given me attention.

Nothing has happened in the past other than a previous work colleague trying to split us up with her inappropriate messages sent to him.

He openly showed me them all one night when drunk which I told him enough is enough no more contact with said person. As it could get him into bother with HR. I told him to inform HR but he refused at the time.

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before.

But lately this has happened and confused why lie

He’s been lying to you for a long time. Did you really believe all those young women were predators or prepared to open their legs to advance their career? How did you feel about your husband happily working for a company where women needed to do that?

GreyCarpet · 14/12/2024 17:43

Nothing has happened in the past other than a previous work colleague trying to split us up with her inappropriate messages sent to him.

She was out to cause trouble and working her way through the males.

Most off the younger females in his work come onto older/management to try work there way up in the department he has openly told me this before.

Yeah, I had a friend who's husband was unlucky like this.

He'd had to.leave workplaces because of the women who.wohld make passes and inappropriate advances towards him; was sexually harassed at work; had lost friends because they had made passes at him and he had to lose a good friend, some.of them even sent him nude videos of themselves in the shower etc.

It was such a shame becaise he was a really.great man. Always willing to lend a hand, help someone out in a crisis, loyal.akd didn't was so unaware that he didn't notice other women even of they were flirting with him. He just wasn't like that.

It was even worse for him.because he didn't have many male friends. Most of his friends were female.and he was as upset as she was when they misunderstood his friendship for more...

And then he propositioned me for an affair too.

You're being incredibly naive.