How do I know I really like him?

[QuietScroller]

So I think the general response to my question would be “if you’re not sure you probably don’t” but the history here is I had a 10 year toxic marriage with high levels of coercive abuse, manipulation and gaslighting. I then divorced and met someone else, after several months of the relationship he told me he only wanted a friends with benefits thing- I think I was at an all time low with my self esteem and felt if I tried harder and was nicer/better then he would like me more. I tried for nearly 5 years and it destroyed me more than the abusive marriage had. Fast forward 2 years after spending time on myself and therapy, I’ve met an amazingly great guy. Like, genuinely one of the nicest kindest men I’ve know. We have everything in common and for the first time in my life I feel comfortable to be me. He’s caring, takes time for me, I can see him without make up and he still tells me I’m beautiful- all the little things like that. My issue is I don’t know if I “feel” anything, it’s a bit like I’m numb. I don’t know if it’s emotional barriers, or if it’s that I just don’t feel anything for him. I’m terrified to let go of something perfect because i need time to allow myself to feel, but also i know he does feel something, so I don’t want to get further down the line and find I don’t have the connection he does. So how do you properly know?

I think that understanding would become clear with time, it's understandable you would take some time to work out how you feel after your experiences 💐 how long have you been dating? It sounds like you definitely like and appreciate him as a person, that's clear.

How long have you known this new man?
Feelings take time to grow.
Not feeling all lovey dovey is perfectly reasonable after the experiences you've had with men. Do you enjoy his company? Do you like him as a person? Do you feel interested in what he has to say? Do you look forward to spending time with him?
Not being head over heels in love is still very different from being uninterested, or having an ick. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel all sorts of things. Feeling at ease with someone is far more valuable, and more durable than fireworks and passion.

This guy may be or may not be the catalyst to you feeling love within yourself. Only you will know that. If you can love yourself unconditionally with all the flaws then you can be open to love. Love is not outside of yourself. No one can give you love. The foundations of this are respect, honesty and desire from another that give you the feelings of love within. My suggestion is to relax a little given your background as your subconscious may be giving you negative vibes. See how it goes. It seemed from your OP that this is new ground so tread slowly, carefully and with awareness but at the same time relax and enjoy.

Quite understand the numb to feelings when you've gone through a difficult time with previous relationships, however if you want and look forward to seeing him, then go with that and see if your feelings do progress.

Thank you for your reassurances, it’s been just short of 4 months

I think you should tell him how you’re feeling so that he doesn’t get hurt. He can then make the call wihether to stick with this or walk. Being led up the garden path is not a nice experience, to say the least.

I have been through similar to you and return to dating was so hard. I had all the kinds of feelings you did/do too so it’s quite normal. But personally I would think at 4 months with a genuinely lovely guy you really would be feeling something now..