SIL came to stay

[FabApe75]

Aibu. SIL came to stay earlier this year for 5 weeks with her son from India. It was not discussed with me and DH was surprised it was 5 weeks and not maybe something more reasonable like 3 weeks. He told me they might not stay the full length of time. Nothing was discussed with me. SIL and her son came with a big list of places they wanted to visit and what they wanted to do ...all with the parsimonious that my dh would be paying.
I don't particularly like this SIL as she gave me a used watch with no back and no battery for a christmas gift a few years ago. When she arrived to UK she gave clothes as gifts but for my daughter it looked like a used jumper , dirty and no tags. My son, dh and I got new clothes with tags.

All my SIL talked about was her children and education. How she may want to settle in UK or Canada. As she does not work in India how difficult it will be to afford education for both her children when her son starts Uni in 3 years time. She then went on to tell me she was looking at conversion degrees for a medical degree her daughter is doing in India. She said she was looking at courses in my city and would be back in Oct to look around campuses. Given she does not work, has already said her Dh is taking loans out currently to pay for their daughters education , I presumed she was planning to bring her daughter across to study and live in our house and she would frequently stay for 6 months. What shocked me is she made these plans and nobody had consulted me. When I asked DH what was going on he said she was talking nonsense and she would not visit again.
The SIL was also asking for voluntary work for her son to do in the UK. She was also asking for my DH to pay for a top badminton coach for her son.
She kept taking videos of our home and our car and sending to her daughter. Her daughter is only like 19 years old doing a medical degree but my SIL said she was obseeed with making money quick and was going on about how rich we are ( we are not our car is 10 years old!).
I started to realise they were here just for themselves. For example when my mum came to visit the SIL would make lunch for her son but not any for my mum who is elderly. When my son had an INDET day at school but my daughter was at school, SIL and her son suggested they go to alton towers without my dear daughter.
Luckily my dear husband refused to go without my daughter. We had to pay through Klarna for the alton towers tickets. My SIL and her son took my daughter for a ride but then she went off and left my dear daughter with her son whilst she went on a ride. Although her son had just turned 16 and my daughter is 11 , the son is not great with English and I felt it was not responsible to leave the kids as in the end she lost them and for a few minutes we lost both kids.
There was also some stuff which I thought was not right. Like dear husband and son slept downstairs on sofa. The SIL would wash her hair at 7am when I am getting ready for work and dear daughter is getting ready for school and was not bothered when I was knocking on the bathroom asking if she can hurry up ....in fact she took longer.
SIL did not help clean house but did help with cooking. However they are use to having a bee day after going to the toilet in India and do not use toilet roll ....so in the UK their solution was to hop in shower to clean themselves. However ' residue' was left on shower floor as well as pubes. In India as her husband works for a famous American company she does not work and she has a cook and a cleaner . However here in the UK I had to clean bathroom , a few times a day. I showed dh a few times the residue left and he said it was nothing.
We had a huge argument before the SIL came as I asked if she was paying for anything .....as one of her requests was a tour of Buckingham Palce and a weeks stay in Scotland...he said she is paying for nothing. However as their stay carried on I noticed 3 weeks in when we went to alton towers he would tell our kids to stop asking for food outside as then he would have to buy for 'them'. Due to UK driving laws wherever we went we had to take 2 cars. I took a week annual leave but rest of the time working in week and the driving hundreds of miles each weekend.
On the final day, my car broke down on the way to dropping DD to school. I rang home 25 times and DH did not answer and SIL did not pick phone up.

When DH did pick up he blamed me for the car breaking down and I said this was unreasonable and the car for last 5 weeks has driven hundreds of miles. He made me so upset , that once he left the house I said to SIL maybe next time come for 2 to 3 weeks as she had put too much pressure on us. I was so upset more so for being blamed about the car breaking down and I burst out crying. The SIL with her arms crossed said oh you tell me this now on the last day. I then said to her in the UK you need a dual income to live and she said she knows that and that it should be obvious that coming for 5 weeks when I have 2 young kids and both me and dh of us working full time is too much. She the said she did not realise it was too much. She then said next time she can adjust if she talks to me. I said me and dh are at brink of divorce. She then started crying and said she will never come back here if there are problems in our marriage.
I honestly did not intend to have this outburst . I had got so upset at being blamed by dh. She ended up missing her flight and her and her son when they first left for airport did not even day goodbye to our kids. They then missed flight and stayed another week. This time they stayed more in their room ( as during outburst I had said I was fed up of working from my bed) and usually use kitchen table but during their stay could not as the TV was always on and I had to constant ask to lower volume.
Also in my outburst I said I wish I had what she had ...that she does not have to work ( it amused me when she said she cannot work as her body aches after 1 hour of work ..
That is how her body is) so her husband has got her a cook and cleaner. I said I had a £12 k loan , just taken a mini loan and worked full time. Inside I was also very fearful that she had made it clear they wanted to come back for her daughter to attend uni in our city ...which I found so intrusive as nothing discussed with me.

I feel guilty for my outburst and want to ask if I was being unreasonable? My husband has recently tried to throw it in my face that I treated his sister and son badly. At the three week mark , I organised a cake , presents and decoration for SIL son as it was his 16th birthday. I tried my best in the 6 weeks aside from the outburst. But it was difficult. For example they would take calls from India at 5am UK time, not clean the shower and toilet, leave the bedroom window open at night then the bedroom door would keep banging with the wind....even though I asked them every night to use the door stop so it would not bang.

Was I in the wrong? To me despite the guilt I feel the car breaking down on the last day wad a blessing in disguse as I am too timid to say anything but being blamed like that made all the emotion come out and it must have turned my SIL right off ....the whole outburst was unintended ...it was like a flood of my worry and concern which I had kept back for weeks.

I think you have been more than reasonable. I can’t understand how your DH doesn’t understand how your have accommodated their wishes. Why has he not asked you about their plans ahead of time?’

Anyhow, hugs, you’ve been through a heck of a lot lately 🌸🪷🌸🌸@

Thank you ...it was a lot and I was glad when they left to be honest.

Dh seemed to want to prove he had made it in the UK to his big sister. We had fitted a new bathroom ( hence the £12 k loan) and painted the house before they came. When they arrived he went to Mr ultra nice with me but before he was being very mean towards me.
But during the 3 months prior he was constantly on phone to them getting excited about their first trip to UK. When I said whether SIL was paying for anything....that's when he got mad and said I was cheap.
The thing is when we went to India on a 2 week trip the previous year the same SIL refused to accommodate us in her home and said she could not provide lunch for us either as it was too much. She is 53 and healthy but always saying her body aches if she does too much work ( my body aches too but I still work!)

My DH has 3 sisters and recently the youngest who is married has started asking for money ( she is a barrister and judge , her dh is a lawyer but she does not work). I do feel the older SIL who came has told her sisters what the set up is and within 6 weeks of returning to India the youngest SIL is constantly asking for money. My husband has done a few bank transfers.
I know I should not so have stopped now but I gathered this inf from looking at his phone. I have decided not to look any more as what is the point.

I understand why you had your outburst.
Reading through the post, it sounds like your husband sold SIL this dream of you having a wonderful life in uk... which she took advantage of in a massive way, but honestly responded to when you had your outburst.
Your DH should reflect on why he's trying so hard to impresss his family and you need to put some hard boundaries in place around visiting and education of your niece and nephew

Your husband sounds fucking dreadful and the cultural difference, even if you are from a UK Indian background yourself, seems insurmountable. Why do you have a loan of 12k when he is giving away your family money??? Divorce him and get maintenance at least then he won't drain you financially and emotionally.

Oh god this is awful. You need to lay down the law here on giving money. People in India either don’t know or don’t care that you can’t afford to send them cash, it’s your family money not his to give away.

I honestly think you have to have it out with your husband properly. Chances are he won’t accept it and you’ll have to decide what you can cope with. They can’t basically move in with you. Your SIL is utterly classless and you shouldn’t be expected to put up with it. Dealing with people like this is difficult because you have to say no in a very direct way, they force you into it because they have zero consideration for others.

Honestly as a person of Indian origin, this would be divorce worthy to me, because it’s not going to stop, you’ll be sending money and paying for school fees and people will be living in your house for much of the year. It will be hellish. I’d go with an ultimatum because I’ve seen how this goes and it’s unbearable, seen my parents send people money, it becomes an expectation with zero gratitude and the requests just escalate or people will come and stay for a holiday for 6 months with no intention of being independent or paying for anything.

And also she doesn’t get to treat your daughter shoddily, fuck her.

I’d divorce your dh. He needs to stop giving money away. Start taking the same amounts and putting it away safe.

I wouldn’t be sorry id had the outburst. I’d only say if your family turn up to stay again without clearing it with me we are divorcing and you can host and manage around taking them places and pay through the nose from just your income and I’ll make myself a peaceful little life with our kids.

Gosh OP, sounds pretty crappy from what you've shared about the last visit.

Indian families sadly too often have an unbalanced sense of entitlement when it comes to family.

Though they sound educated, the females don't work - hence the most glaring difference which makes it harder for you for them to empathise let alone understand how much mental load you carry.

The real crux of the issue is your husband not setting firm boundaries and being honest with them.

Your blow out at the end was extreme, sounds as it's been a major build up and boom you exploded.
This isn't healthy for you, you should be able to communicate with them without bottling it up. Or else you're condoning their entitlement .

Start as you mean to go on, if they do end up visiting - make your schedule known, as guests they need to work around you, not the other way around.

Stop sending money to the family immediately, core focus should be on paying off loans here.

Your SIL is a very unreasonable person who is a dreadful guest . The toilet arranagements alone are hideous.
Your biggest problem is DH who must be told in uncertain terms that whilst you have debt you have afford to send ANY money to the in laws. tell him that you will not host anyone for more than 2 weeks in the future.
It’s a huge shame that after 5 weeks of tolerance you exploded on the last day but your patience had been severely tried. I would apologise to SIL sooner rather than later and say that you enjoyed having them to they but that it had been too long a visit considering that you have work and young children. Next time they will not be able to stay more than 2 weeks and you should be on holiday at the same time.
Buy a bidet attachment for your toilet . Stand firm here OP.

Thanks for the responses.
They left in May and on her last departure , after mussing her flight, she gave the kids £100 and my husband said she had left me a letter but I never saw it and didn't want to ask either.

I have not spoken to her since she left. As so many months have passed I feel it would not be worth apology now My husband behaviour got a lot better after they left which leads me to believe he was stressed out them coming and eager to create a good impression. But it was terrible behaviour before they came. Saying stuff like my family is rubbish, I am a pig the way I live, I cannot flush the toilet in the day time to save money, I can only wash clothes on certain days. The last rule still holds ( he created that rule in the pandemic).
I have actually considered divorce but once assets are split I am looking at £140k which as we know would not get me very far. I work and rely on him to do pick up and drops offs too for kids. I honestly would not want to meet another person.
Nowadays aside from odd comment about moaning about clothes still drying on a Wed as I am only allowed to wash on a Fri, sat and sun...we get on. I try to limit sex as emotionally I am not with him.
I do hope they do not come back. When we visit India the same SIL husband makes us pay for the meals out. It's like they think we are millionaires. My husband also said he would not divorce me. And he does get scared when I say it as his behaviour improves a lot when I say it.

Indian culture do have a lot of festival where the bond between brother and sister is valued and promise of supporting their sisters financially if in need. But I think this is not applicable here as they husbands and also their parents.
I paid my debt off by cutting back and only getting essential stuff. However we still have our mortgage and I have no savings for kids for future years like Uni etc.
So I don't feel we should give any of the sisters in laws money. They chose to stay ho e , they are all married to wealthy husbands. To me it is greed and the perception we are rich.
It is ironic as my own brother doesn't want to know me and my sisters. He was gutted a house by my mum as he is a boy. He will gifted more once my parents pass. I want my assets to go to my 2 children and I do worry that my greedy SIL's in India would be straight to the U.K tomorrow. I am below 50 but not healthy, bmi is 34. I feel I need to concentrate on getting healthy and putting in plans like a will to ensure assets go to my little girl and boy.

Whenever we have gone to ai dia it us a max of 2 to 3 weeks. We usually fall sick but I have never placed demands on take me here snd there. I always give a nice impression and feel embarrassed that I let that side show. The sane SIL let me use her daughters nebuliser when I fell ill with a chest infection last time we went. So these acts of kindness when I recall make me feel bad in the way I cried and shouted at her. There has been though no further talk of visits to the UK so I guess the outburst had an affect on her but it was not intended.

I’d never go back to India. Why go? Why not leave your dh?