I'm trying to imagine my life after leaving.. SN kids - did the guilt leave you?

[SquirrelsAreGo]

I've been working through all sorts of stuff in the last couple of years, and feel close to leaving my DH.

My main issue, obviously I suppose, is the impact on my kids. Although they're older teenagers, they both neurodivergent and emotional needs. My eldest is getting his own life together, but having us in his corner, checking in with us all the time, is still a major parenting item.

I know that they're not stupid, I am not sure they would be surprised, but I do know that they will be deeply distressed and it will have a huge impact on them.

Change is a huge issue for both of them, even at a very basic level. Eg, I have to give my youngest the heads up when I'm getting a hair cut.

Both are still at home, and the youngest will probably be parent dependant for the foreseeable future.

So, while I can imagine living somewhere else, I can imagine joint custody etc etc, it's excruciating, but I can more or less see that it is for the best; but I can NOT get around the pain it's also going to cause them and my husband.

My husband clearly has similar challenges, we're all ND, but I've bent myself into a pretzel to make everyone else's life as smooth as possible, and it's worked.
Unfortunately, I am now not in good shape, many of the expected issues, auto immune, anxiety, my world has got smaller and smaller... exhausted, my own medical conditions, and in terms of capabilities, I barely recognise myself anymore. If anything this feels like the worst time to leave, because I'm nearly in pieces, but it's being here that causes it.

Theoretically money isn't an issue. I got an inheritance, and if my husband does that thing of becoming spiteful and hiding accounts, I could survive for a long time. Nothing like the life we have now, but I'd be able to pay my bills for several years, in theory while getting stronger, getting my identity back, and finding a job that will work with the youngest being at home.

Anyway, I shouldn't start getting into the details of the leaving itself, it's just about the kids.

Has anyone stayed for years because of these kind of reasons, and eventually the kids have been ok, and the guilt of going has finally faded?

Thanks.

Why do you want to leave?
Surely that's the crux of things

My husband clearly has similar challenges, we're all ND, but I've bent myself into a pretzel to make everyone else's life as smooth as possible, and it's worked.

And is it the marriage, or your whole life, that's unbearable? Have you done the work to gradually share out the pieces that need to be adapted to?

You can leave, it will be OK. But first, have you tried really hard, with a family counsellor versed in ND, to find a way not to be the person who solves everything?

I don't have experience but I imagine it will be hard for them initially but they'll get used to it. Like all change, it just becomes normal. If your eldest is just starting work or some major change of his own then maybe wait for that change to settle.

In terms of your health, the stress of managing money even with an inheritance, may be harder on your own. I don't think it's going to be worry-free. But if your DH has been abusive in any way then of course just getting out will be best. Are you just going to surprise him with moving out or talk it over?

Mine are younger, but their needs are lower now we I'm not caring for them and trying to cope with a shitty marriage too. The background stress really helped nobody.

I suppose the answer to all your questions is the same kind of thing.

The marriage was already difficult before my second child arrived - but it was years before I realised it was about our personalities, rather than anyone trying to be mean.

It was fine when I was one of my husband's special interests (the limerance/ honeymoon phase), but he is simply unable to keep any consistency in anything. He has emotional and object impermanence (like me) which means out of sight, out of mind. This is only overridden by deep anxiety. For example, he's very good at his job, because if he's not, the sky will fall in (getting fired etc).

He's good at doing things for other people because he knows its a good thing to do, the pay off off immediate (they think he's wonderful), and it's a one off, so there's novelty, new interest, to keep it front and centre in his mind.

Unfortunately, with children and a wife, that need"little bit often" in terms of thoughtfulness/ attention, he just can't do it.

About 2 years ago he heard his mum say that the one thing his dad does every day for her is being her a cup of tea in bed.

I was really confused when he started doing this after years of never offering.. until my mil told me about it,, in passing.

I don't know it's so difficult to discuss without sounding as if I'm being petty.

I cannot give him ultimate responsibility for anything. At all. Ever. The psychologist said she thinks I have some kind of burn out. I just find even small things impossible, because we have no true relationship left.

I've tried leaning in, I've tried doing everything, I've tried matching his obliviousness, which is where we are now. He doesn't seem bothered. He will remember I'm here when he needs to tell me something.

Sorry, dropped the phone.. just one other thing, I had similar issues, but my family has been the thing I've had to force myself to"remember" and be consistent about. 24/7 for 20 years.

He does a lot. Truly. But it's so random, often not what we actually need. It took a long time for him to his head around ds2 's issues, he comes from a very rigid, role following perspective. In hindsight I realise this is how he's coped himself.

But that was so distressing to our son, and he saw that, but it took ages to not forget, and suddenly revert to "well if you were OK watching TV with me, let's go on a hike!" Iyswim. He wanted a connection, but couldn't do it on ds's terms.

He's finally more or less got that, with both children. But I think with me it's just too difficult. I can't cope with the erratic attention, erratic closeness (no closeness at all, and then sex, and then next morning barely even making eye contact. He's had his full of closeness), and he sees the problem, tries to change, but then next time back to too overwhelmed.

Even though I understand how his brain works, I am left feeling a kind of grief.

Oh my good your op sounds just like me. I will be back.

Are you envisaging life alone? Because what you've described sounds like many men, I would worry you'd feel it was a mistake down the line if the grass wasnt greener. He's made an effort with the cup of tea, it doesn't sound like he's intentionally being oblivious or like theres any significant issues other than the relationship entering a long term rut.

Can someone care for your children whilst you go away for a week and have a change of scenery from day to day life, try to do some new things together and reconnect?
Can you find a hobby or interest which you share?
Can you write him a list of a few things which would show his care - similar to him listening to his mum, it sounds like he would be willing.

Have you asked him if there's anything he feels he is missing from you, incase he's shut off a bit through feeling he isn't having needs met either?

That does sound intolerable. Sorry

You may have to make up a way to be single that suits your family. Think outside the box for things that might help.

I can relate so much. Dh tries but keeps
Forgetting. Bending into a pretzel. Sen ND highly sensitive kids. Don't think I've worked as hard as you though. You sound amazing.

Please don't feel you have to read this, it's ridiculously long. I don't expect answers, but it's helped writing it out. I see why I feel the way I do.

Hi, I have finally found a moment to come back to this - thank you to those who said they recognise my situation, it's amazing to hear it's not just me. I honestly feel as if I've got myself into this, by trying to do the best thing by everyone, and it's just crushing to find that I've ended up hollow and ill from it.

SummerSnowstorm, I'm not sure why I can't tag you in this, but wanted you to know that it's be a good 10 years of me trying everything. I think that's why I feel so wrung out. I live in a country where I don't feel I belong, I have a husband who is so different to me I don't feel supported, and I've become more and more isolated as life has got more difficult. He's agreed to counselling, but then we have one session and he thinks we're OK. Or it's painful and scares him off. He masks and compensates like a champ for work/ outside the home, but at home he relaxes by being himself. Everyone should be allowed to do that, theoretically.

I cannot commit to a hobby or outside interest of my own because something always comes up, or, these days, I can't even get myself there. Again, I'm out the other side. Going out sets off a chain of self-doubt too.

My DH, well this is how I describe it.. if you know toddlers you know there's a point where they go from parallel play to sharing/playing together.

We both still like parallel time..so in the same space but doing different stuff, but he goes through long periods of time where it feels as if he's almost forgotten I'm here... and then suddenly wants to do something together. It didn't feel as if it's anything to do with ME. He just feels like hanging out. Not sure if that makes sense.

Also, I've spent years trying to get him to engage on important things, like upkeep of the house, until I just give up. Suddenly, several YEARS later, it is of interest to him, and he is hurt that it makes me angry, or I simply have no interest in talking about it anymore. It makes me look like the bad guy.

The major problem now, and why I'm so sad, is that it feels as if he is doing more, and more aware of what is required to hold a family together, and I'm just out the other side. The expression "too little, too late" comes to mind.

He had a change of job last year. It's still an incredibly good job, but nothing like the stress of the ones before, so I think he has more spoons available (IYKYK). Thing is, his initial reaction to having more space was to take up more hobbies etc, so even now, we're getting his leftover time and space.

I know, it sounds as if I'm whinging, I should be grateful, but there's no incidental connection. There's no thread between us. If we're with other people, I am aware that he does a very stark 180 in changing conversation if he thinks I'm talking too much. I have always talked a lot, and frankly now I'm starved of communication. I see a psychologist, but there are days where I am literally just paying her to listen to me.

My closest friend here has become more and more devout over the years in her religion, to the extent that she now says things she wouldn't of dreamt of saying 5 years ago. My other closest friends (2-3 of them, one is in a similar situation, but also lives with her parents who are incredible, as is her sister, so whilst she's going through "it", she also has on tap support and regroup-time. I'm really relieved for her, as multi-generational living is a big step, but it's just what she needs.

My MIL is incredible, but she is dealing with my FIL having dementia, and my 2 SILS hate that we get on so well, and don't like that we support each other. I'm mindful of putting stuff on her, but she knows something of the situation.

Said SILS have pulled the rug on me again this Christmas, we had a plan, which they've changed completely, so now my husband is going to be away 23rd/24th. I've decided to stay home with my youngest on Christmas day itself. It's my one bit of standing up for myself, and for him. (DH being away is because they suddenly decided to have an extra lunch on the 23rd, miles away, expecting MIL to drive there and back and she just can't do it. He's going to take his parents, and then everyone said, "better if you all stay overnight"). It's all in increments, and based on years of dynamics, I no longer have the energy to try and engage.

Just so no one says "you have a DH problem" re: family, everything he does is driven by anxiety and fear. All his appeasing, not calling anyone on anything. Even me. I know that the reason he doesn't even talk about stuff anymore is because he's terrified things will change. Even if that change is for the better, he doesn't know what to do with the information if I crack and start sounding off about the situation. We haven't discussed "us" for maybe a year.

I relate to a lot of what you write OP. I aren't leaving and don't want to, but I've found clawing back some interests and what makes me myself does help. Also setting clear boundaries about what you will and won't do.

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry that your living situation is so hard. That really does sound extremely challenging.

My only worry is that if you leave then the situation may blow up spectacularly and the kids might end up in care. I mean is the disruption is so great that both they and your DH don't cope, and you are not well enough to take over the kids full time when they are also very distressed and disrupted. Is there any risk that the whole situation will go entirely up the chute?

It seems to me as though what you have is three SEND kids, and your DH is one of them and he has significant MH problems (anxiety). I know this is ridiculous, but you could almost do with sending him away to get respite care, so you can have some peace.

Do you perhaps have enough money to get someone to come in and help, even for an hour a day? You could call one of those companies that sends carers for elderly people. That would get you some spare hands and a sensible conversation every day, which might really help.

I'm so sorry, I don't know exactly what to say but it does sound very hard.

I am in a slightly similar situation and I did burn out and was largely housebound for ten years until I started setting boundaries and refusing to be manipulated. So I understand if you do find you just need to start putting your foot down.

Good luck.

This is so difficult. I live alone, ND teen primarily with his dad as I have very disabling autoimmune problems.

Because the kids have additional needs this is difficult. It's possible you could end up carrying the load on your own with little respite if he isn't able to manage parenting them totally alone. Is that a possibility?

I'm trying to think of some half way house in my mind that might work here. I think counselling for yourself alone is good. If you find it unproductive then find another one, a woman, an older woman and see if you click more. You desperately need a place where you can be totally honest with no guilt. There is no such place with friends or family I'm afraid.

Is there something that you really want to do. A hobby or an interest, a passion? Something that you as an individual would enjoy ( not as a mum or ad a wife). My feelings are that for now whilst you think things through in your mind you need time just for you to enjoy yourself. Sometimes you have to put your needs before everyone else so some boundaries which put what you want first and foremost are important.

If you separate, the kids will find a way. Your husband will find a way. People go through awful things, this one they will survive. You have to make sure you don't make the situation worse for you though. So that could mean no realistic break from parenting ever! Will his mum support you do you think. Do you think she'd still be there for a relationship with you. It sounds like that's important and valuable to you.

I haven't been able to come back to this for a few days, because just writing it, and seeing some answers (both good and slightly confronting) was incredibly difficult.

Obviously writing it all down is quite different to random thoughts churning.

I really appreciate the compassion and insight, and feel massively supported. I think having others say "this looks tough" has made a huge difference. My psychologist is fantastic, the only issue is that, because she always thinks I've got great insight, and am doing an amazing job, I don't take her seriously. There's a lot even just in that one sentence!

Something has shifted slightly with DH. I think maybe my clear and calm assertion that I would not be at the family Christmas.

Also, there has been a tiny, but perceptible change in my youngest. He started some new medicine a few weeks ago with seemingly no effect. This last week he's gone up to the normal starting dose. He has engaged in a way that's pretty rare.. 3 times. He watched a movie with dh last week, hung out in the living room with the dog (she was feeling lonely), and has talked to eldest son about going camping for a night next year.

It's been extraordinary. I long ago stopped worrying about trying different things for him, we have such a great psychiatrist. He doesn't insist on "giving it a chance" if ds2 feels weird or "wrong" after a day of something, he accepts that this is just detrimental, and not worth pushing.

I am genuinely enjoying wrapping presents. Usually I'm spinning by now, but I've allowed myself to stop fretting about money (we may be well off, but I've never got over being properly poor the first 24 years of my life). I've ordered a much as I can online, and even bought myself several lovely things, and don't feel bad about it. No, that's wrong, not only don't I feel bad about it, I am positively excited.

I've invited closest friend over at the weekend to hang out, and will not engage in any chat about the kids etc. We will stick with fun chat, and eat nice (naice!) things, and focus on the dog.

My mood is wildly variable, but today is a good day. I have to say, I've also taken all the drugs necessary to have a great sleep the last 2 nights, despite pain being an issue, and of course that helps. I might do that for another week. It's not something you can take forever, but omg the relief of waking up at 7 instead of 2, 3.30, 5..

Thank you again. I was really worried about saying this stuff out loud, but it's really helped. Of course. I know this theoretically, but don't we all?

1 - To answer a couple of questions, mil would def be a support come what may.
2 - I do understand the danger of ending up single parenting but the boys are old enough, and bright enough, that I think the "taken into care" concern is not an issue. They're 15 and 19, and dropped in the middle of a strange town with a debit card, they'd more than survive ( if forever traumatised!).

Happy Christmas and Holidays to you all. I might come back if I've an interesting update in the future, but otherwise, here's to a better 2025!

I just wanted to thank you for this thread.

I have an ND husband (undiagnosed, but he and I both know what his diagnosis would be if he was assessed, and he accepts the way it can cause issues for us), and children with possible SEN but not yet diagnosed either as coping v well in school so no support for a referral.

DH and I have been really struggling lately for all the reasons you discuss - I respect his need and the way his brain operates but I need to feel that I am first in his mind sometimes and right now it never feels that way.

Some of the posts on this thread have really helped me understand why I'm struggling, they've crystallised thoughts I hadn't fully developed yet. And also given me some good ideas for potential coping strategies and things we can work on. I don't what to end up at the point of "too little, too late" which it feels like we might be rapidly racing towards if we don't urgently intervene

OP, I wish you so much luck and whatever you decide your DC will be amazing. I suspect they may surprise you. And so might your DH.