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Original poster

Sharing chores

42 replies

doesanyonecare · 12/12/2024 19:04

Can I ask am I being unreasonable to expect hubby to help out a little with household chores now and again . I retired 4 years ago and I've always felt hubby resents this . I get the feeling he now believes that as he still works he doesn't have to do ANYTHING more . He never runs the hoover round .. we've had the dishwasher 3 and a half years he doesn't even know how to use it the same with the washer not a clue . The only thing he does is take the for dog for a walk . I can't remember the last time he hoovered upstairs .
Now I want to make it quite clear I DO NOT expect him to go to work and clean the house too top to bottom ... however am I being unreasonable to expect a little help now and again .
When I discuss this with him he says I'm always getting on at him . Last night for eg I was visiting friends new baby with my daughter . I asked him to empty the dishwasher . This morning still not done and he's off work this week . When I mention it he says oh does it really matter . He like turns it around to make out I'm the one with the problem . Opinions please

OP posts:
jubs15 · 13/12/2024 07:27

My ex husband wouldn't do anything around the house and we were both working. I explained to him how I felt, asked that he took care of specific chores and said that if he didn't help then I would employ a cleaner. He didn't step up, so I employed a cleaner. Maybe just the threat of it will spur him into action. If not, the cost should come from his pocket. Choices have consequences.

rwalker · 13/12/2024 07:44

flame me now but a household with just 2 adults there can’t be more can’t be more than minimal housework and chores
its difficult because we always say things should be split 50/50 money , housework , free time

but currently you have and enormous amount of free time and he has very little

SisterMaryLuke · 13/12/2024 07:49

I think you need to find your anger. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who shows so little regard/respect for the woman he is supposed to love and cherish. He is actively choosing not to carry out these tasks as he doesn't deem them important to him. They are jobs for women to do.

Stop washing his laundry and stop cooking for him and see what kind of reaction you get. It may, just may be possible at this point to have a grown up conversation about division of labour. I'm not hopeful though and really, is it your job to teach him how to be a fully formed grown up.

Why not instead think about how different your life could be on your own - happy, relaxed, organised, tidy and with no resentment. Or if that seems a step too far, then bite the bullet and hire a cleaner - yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you don't want to, but if your husband doesn't want to change (and why would he - he has a very cushy life with everything done for him) then a cleaner could just be a really simple solution.

Jostuki · 13/12/2024 07:53

Is this him?

%3D%3D
GreyCarpet · 13/12/2024 08:27

rwalker · 13/12/2024 07:44

flame me now but a household with just 2 adults there can’t be more can’t be more than minimal housework and chores
its difficult because we always say things should be split 50/50 money , housework , free time

but currently you have and enormous amount of free time and he has very little

Tbh, I agree with this.

In an hour this morning, I've cleaned the bathroom, cleaned/tidied the kitchen (it was left last night), tidied the living room and stripped and remade a bed.

The house is spotless and I'm now on my way to work.

I just can't see how two adults can generate so much work that it can't be done quickly before the day has even started.

category12 · 13/12/2024 08:46

GreyCarpet · 13/12/2024 08:27

Tbh, I agree with this.

In an hour this morning, I've cleaned the bathroom, cleaned/tidied the kitchen (it was left last night), tidied the living room and stripped and remade a bed.

The house is spotless and I'm now on my way to work.

I just can't see how two adults can generate so much work that it can't be done quickly before the day has even started.

Show quote history

Me too.

Obviously he should be respectful and pick up after himself but not sure why it's a huge issue.

I suppose Op might be pigsick of him not doing his share if its been throughout their relationship, but then if you've never managed to make a change in the dynamics after years and years, you're never going to.

So either you're pragmatic and get a cleaner or you decide if this is your life and blow it up if you don't want it any more.

Under565 · 13/12/2024 08:57

doesanyonecare · 12/12/2024 19:04

Can I ask am I being unreasonable to expect hubby to help out a little with household chores now and again . I retired 4 years ago and I've always felt hubby resents this . I get the feeling he now believes that as he still works he doesn't have to do ANYTHING more . He never runs the hoover round .. we've had the dishwasher 3 and a half years he doesn't even know how to use it the same with the washer not a clue . The only thing he does is take the for dog for a walk . I can't remember the last time he hoovered upstairs .
Now I want to make it quite clear I DO NOT expect him to go to work and clean the house too top to bottom ... however am I being unreasonable to expect a little help now and again .
When I discuss this with him he says I'm always getting on at him . Last night for eg I was visiting friends new baby with my daughter . I asked him to empty the dishwasher . This morning still not done and he's off work this week . When I mention it he says oh does it really matter . He like turns it around to make out I'm the one with the problem . Opinions please

I would tell him that if he does not help with the house work then he can leave

Under565 · 13/12/2024 08:58

jubs15 · 13/12/2024 07:27

My ex husband wouldn't do anything around the house and we were both working. I explained to him how I felt, asked that he took care of specific chores and said that if he didn't help then I would employ a cleaner. He didn't step up, so I employed a cleaner. Maybe just the threat of it will spur him into action. If not, the cost should come from his pocket. Choices have consequences.

Is that why he is your ex husband

Original poster
doesanyonecare · 13/12/2024 09:47

It's not that I'm bogged down with chores no not at all . It's just the fact that he never thinks to lend a hand . For eg I go exercise class 3 times a week and he would never ever think oh while she's out I'll put vacuum on or put dishwasher on ( can't work it ) to help her .... We have a very moulty dog so vacuuming is essential everyday . He just doesn't offer any help at all because I believe he thinks that he shouldn't have to because he goes to work 🤷🏽‍♀️. I believe deep down he resents me being retired but he would never ever admit it

OP posts:
Under565 · 13/12/2024 09:49

doesanyonecare · 13/12/2024 09:47

It's not that I'm bogged down with chores no not at all . It's just the fact that he never thinks to lend a hand . For eg I go exercise class 3 times a week and he would never ever think oh while she's out I'll put vacuum on or put dishwasher on ( can't work it ) to help her .... We have a very moulty dog so vacuuming is essential everyday . He just doesn't offer any help at all because I believe he thinks that he shouldn't have to because he goes to work 🤷🏽‍♀️. I believe deep down he resents me being retired but he would never ever admit it

Can I ask you something please

PussInBin20 · 13/12/2024 09:56

Think I would just stop doing things like the dishwasher, just wash you need in the sink - see if spurs him into action. Stop washing his clothes.

Girlmom35 · 13/12/2024 10:02

I can see from your posts that you're a reasonable woman. You don't expect him to do the majority or even half of all household work while he's still working and you're retired.
But no, it's not unreasonable to expect some effort on his end. He lives there too. He has clothes that need washing. He eats, he uses the dishes, he sleeps in a bed that needs changing.
Being retired does not mean that you are responsible for all household work, all the time. His working day stops at a certain time, and so does yours.
I would seriously consider not doing any of the services you used to do for him. Laundry, tidying up, ironing, cooking. Make him feel it this way.

jubs15 · 13/12/2024 11:02

Under565 · 13/12/2024 08:58

Is that why he is your ex husband

Show quote history

Haha, that and several other reasons!

Under565 · 13/12/2024 11:05

jubs15 · 13/12/2024 11:02

Haha, that and several other reasons!

Show quote history

I have just pm you

ChiliFiend · 13/12/2024 15:54

doesanyonecare · 12/12/2024 20:12

He's told me tonight he does the diy . He doesn't wash cars or windows we have no garden to tend now .. He's put a new table together tonight and says could you do that ??
I had a new table 5 years ago !!!!

There is a difference between one-off tasks and the daily grind. No one gets to escape the daily grind on the basis that they do one-off tasks. Are you doing his laundry? If so, you're the reason he doesn't know how it works, and you're enabling him. Get him his own hamper (if he doesn't already have one) and stop doing it, forever, from today. He'll learn soon enough.

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 13/12/2024 17:45

Who wanted the dog? I can't see how the housework is taking more time than walking the dog and you said he does the dog walking. If it's his dog he wanted then I'd say the vacuum should be his job but otherwise it can't take much more time than he's doing on dog walking?

On his week off I agree with you he should do half.

You say he never puts the dishwasher on or unloads it. But does he put his plate etc in it or leave it for you to find and load? I think regardless of who works everyone should be able to put the stuff they use in the dishwasher and put clothes in the laundry basket, clean their shit skids off the loo etc. So if he's not doing those things you are not unreasonable at all. But if he is doing those things I think you kind of are unreasonable.

Although I will say stop phrasing it as he should "help" this implies it's your responsibility and he's doing you a favour by 'helping' you. People who help should get thanks and acknowledge of what they do. Doing your fair share of housework IS NOT HELP it's just part of adulting. Actually more just part of life- my 7 year old boy will load his plate I to the dishwasher and put his clothes in the wash, strips his bed and helps me make it. He's not helping me he is growing up

burntheleaves · 13/12/2024 17:52

rwalker · 13/12/2024 07:44

flame me now but a household with just 2 adults there can’t be more can’t be more than minimal housework and chores
its difficult because we always say things should be split 50/50 money , housework , free time

but currently you have and enormous amount of free time and he has very little

Within reason. Emptying the dishwasher isn't a major chore. If he can't even do that the. He is treating the OP like a servant.

Would it be ok to you if he dropped his towels on the floor? Left his socks where he took them off? No of course not. Why? Because she's not a servant. So small things like emptying the dishwasher and tidying up after himself and making the OP a meal should be things he does as a natural thing because he is supposed to love her and share in the business of living together

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