What to do next

[Panda61]

Hi, I could really do with some advice please. Background: I have 3 sons, late twenties, & remarried three years ago. I’ve been with my now husband for 12 years & my mother in law & sons have always got on well. My own mum died 4 years ago, & their got her grandparents dies two years ago of Covid.
they have always been fond of my mil, which is why I was really upset a couple of weeks ago…
… in their weekly phone call, she told my husband that she wouldn’t be giving b them a Christmas present anymore, not because of the money but because they were grown up adults who wouldn’t worry.
I was upset, I sort of got it, but didn’t understand. They, out of everyone in our extended family, were the only ones she was cutting out. I suggested to make it seem less pointed, that I wouldn’t have a fist either.
The following week, my husband put this to his mother, who became defensive & then said, they’re YOUR family but they aren’t mine … why do you call them BOYS, anyway? They’re grown men!
My husband said, did she feel the same about her other ‘step-grandson’ - his brother’s step son & she said, no, he was younger, so she’d bonded with him. But repeated that my sons were not her family, they were my husband’s stepsons.
She started to say, & my friend X says… to which my husband said, to be honest he didn’t care what her mate X said…
Anyway, I took over the phone & she told me the same thing - & threatened to tell my sons, as I was lying in not telling them.
She also said, & yoh Have those great big SACKS which your presents go into … said in a disgusted tone - though she knows that my husband had them made & also - they’re usually only half full!
The reason I didn’t tell them was because I know they’re grown ups, but they look on her as a sort of grandmother type & I worry that yes, they’d be a bit hurt. I might be wrong.
I got cross & told her I thought she was spiteful - which she really took offence at. She said she’d NEVER been spiteful in her life - (well, she has been, a few years ago, saying she hates that ‘awful freckled skin’ - I’ve got some freckles) & i told her that my husband had been upset as he’d gone to finish by saying I love you, & she had not replied.

Anyway. A few days later I phoned her & said, could we meet to sort this out & make everything ok again? She said no. Last weekend though there was a storm & I suggested we go up to her house to check she was ok, it’s about an hour away.
She took my husband into the house but refused me entry, so luckily I’d bought some foot warmers & a thick coat so sat in the car. She told him she didn’t want to see me again.

I then phoned her Monday & left an answerphone message to say that I was sorry for upsetting her & I wanted to make things right between us again. I said I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that - & apologised again before hanging up.

I don’t really know what to do now. My husband has been in bits about it, saying he feels REALLY depressed & to be honest I am not fooling well at all.
My hhusnand says he’ll carry on seeing her until she says I can go too - I must be so horrible because one part of me desperately wants him to say no, unless I go too, he win th see her … but I also understand hf can’t cope with it, so he needs to be happy.

Her other son & family moved abroad a couple of years ago - & she argued with her sibling so doesn’t really th have anyone else.

I feel as though she has ruined out marriage - but then she equally said to my husband & ‘always knew something at some point would come between her & him - & that’s me’

What do I do? I feel desperate.

@Husbands1 what an odd thing to post.

It doesn't sound like there is much more you can do to be honest - I certainly wouldn't apologise any more than you already have.

By the way she is behaving it sounds as if she doesn't see you as family either, which is sad.

I'm slightly disappointed that your husband went into the house with her and left you outside. That seems really unpleasant of him and has drained any sympathy I may have felt for him.

I would tell your sons what's happening as they should know she isn't worth bothering with.

Leave your husband to visit / call her and just get in with things.

@Husbands1 You do not need to quote the OP in the very first post on the thread
You also do not need to offer your services to strangers on Mumsnet. Very very weird.

You don’t need to do anything. What else would you want to do? Hopefully you weren’t all supposed to be spending Christmas together.

You don’t like each other and it’s all come out now, it was going to eventually.

Why is your marriage ruined? Because you feel he’s choosing her over you?

He/she is doing it across a number of threads...must be bored

Oh really? That's extra creepy then. Yuck.

It's all a bit of a storm in a tea cup.

She isn't obligated to buy presents for anyone, I can't believe you were arguing with her about it. They're not children.

It feels as though this is the straw that broke the camel's back and this has been building for a while as her reaction is so over the top.

I would stop crawling over broken glass and leave her and your husband to it. Stop contacting her.

You’ve offered the olive branch, she’s refused it. That’s her prerogative. Leave it now. Don’t feed into the drama. That’s what she wants. So don’t give it any attention. Just get in with life as normal. She lives an hour away so she’s not really going to be popping round or asking hubby to visit all the time.

I fail to see how it’s ruined your marriage. That’s a bit dramatic. You carry on as normal and your husband can pay her the occasional visit on his own.

If they boys ask, tell them what she said. They’re grown men. I think they’ll be able to handle it.

You had a fight, you offered an apology, it was refused, move on. Don’t over complicate it. It’s just needless drama.

I absolutely understand why someone would want to stop buying presents for grown up men in their late 20s. It becomes expensive and a pain.

However, the situation has now escalated over you telling her she was spiteful and to be honest now sounds beyond retrieving.

I'd probably be telling DH he was welcome to go see his DM but I wouldn't be coming and that she and I would just avoid each other at this point.

She has been very short sighted here.
Just stop going, stop calling, stop helping.
She can wallow in her self righteousness checking her bank account.
Your H should be telling her, he loves you & you come as a package. She was mean & then refused your apology.
Dont feel you are in wrong, you are not

Hi everyone - thank you for your feedback. Didn’t see the horrible post, thankfully.
Yes, it was dramatic of me to say it feels like it’s ruined our marriage - it caused an upset, but that’s over with now.
The sad thing is, I have liked her, very much - & we've got on really well - which is partly why this has stung.
Money is not an issue - my husband suggested to her, why not just get them some chocolate - thought that counts? And she responded that as he knew, she’s got plenty of money - that was not the point.
it does feel like she’s just tolerated me - as with my brother in law’s wife - & I’m not seen as family either.
So, yes, I’ll tell my sons what was said, not in an accusatory way.
I have apologised & I do mean it, but repeating if .. yes, I think that would feed the drama.

That was dramatic wasn’t it? I don’t mean that - but I am worried that it’s caused some damage. My husband when we first got together, told me that if Mia mum didn’t like me, it might be ‘a bit of a deal breaker.’
Thats a long time ago, but it’s always I suppose been in the back of my mind. Certainly I’ve thought about it a lot this last week

The other Step-Grandson, is he younger than your sons? If so by a lot? How long has he been in your MIL life and how old was he at the time? How old were your sons when your MIL came into their lives? Has she seen more of her other Step-Grandson than your sons? Is the other Step-Grandson an adult now too? In my opinion if she is stopping presents for your son's because they're adults, then if her other Step-Grandson is also an adult, she should stop buying for him too. She clearly doesn't see it this way. You have an honest conversation with your son's, and explain the situation. Your husband and you should have said to your MIL, 'yes, the boys are adults, as you pointed out, so why are you telling me, you need to tell them yourself, it's not down to me to do that'. Your MIL should have told your son's herself, she is an adult, as are they, and if she really thought they 'wouldn't be bothered', then she'd have done so!!!! You have apologised for your part, offered an olive branch which has been refused. Let your husband visit his Mother without you. You will have to see how things pan out.

Do your adult sons buy her a present each? As adults , presents should go both ways?

Thank you, You - and everyone else - have been very helpful - I just wanted to know if there was something else I should be doing, but had missed.
No, the other step grandson is 14. She has seen more of him too. My brother in law said, when he’s 18, he’ll be an adult - will you stop giving to him, too? She said no, she’s got more of a bond with him.
I DO understand that they are adults - but it’s that she is saying she doesn’t have any bond with them because they’re not her family. Because they’re not her family, she feels she doesn’t have to give them anything.
i get that, too! It’s just - why now?
They’ve all got on well, my sons have helped her in doing her garden, in remembering her birthday, in sending flowers when she’s been ill … it seems heartless.
it isn’t the money, ether - apparently she has plenty. It feels like she’s singling them out.

I think I’m probably coming across as petty … and I do know I’m being over-protective too.
it’s just, they’re fond of her & I really don’t think they’d understand if everyone else still has a gift. They’ve already been asking what they can get her. Middle son has already bought her some of her favourite chocolates & the next two books in a series she likes.

I would not worry if she was doing the same for others - but she isn’t. It feels spiteful. I shouldn’t have called her that, & I’m genuinely sorry I was disrespectful to my husbands mother, but I do feel she is being spiteful.
I just don’t know why.

Just seen your update, if they're getting her presents it does seem rude for her to cut them out 😔

You’ve done what you can to apologise. Ball is in her court now.

Tell them to take the presents back and get a refund or give them to someone else who values them. Alternatively, they could demonstrate true Christmas spirit and give her the gift regardless since it is better to give them to receive, (which MIL seems to have forgotten).