Trust

[PJHB]

This is a difficult one. It's a trust issue. For a long time I found it hard to connect with my husband, to fully trust. This I realise was because of my experience with my previous two husbands. The first was a gambler and unfaithful, he lost our house, was constantly borrowing from friends and relatives saying it was to take me on holiday, buy me a gift etc. He went off with my best friend, leaving me with two children who he has little to do with. My second was ten years younger than me. I met him on a blind date after three years on my own, I was immediatly attracted to him and slept with him on the same day we met. That set the tone for the relationship. I fell pregnant soon after we met. He used all the usual things, denial, accusation etc until I convinced him the child was his, he then demanded I had an abortion. My GP refused as I was fit and healthy, so number 2 moved in after hiding for a few week. I realise now that he never loved me, he loved the home comforts and sex, I now realise too that that was all there was to the relationship, just sex. I gave him to him to keep the peace and keep him happy, if we didn't have sex he was grumpy.
Eventually,after I stopped having sex with him, he left but it took another uncomfortable five years.
Number three is completely different to both of the above, but for years I couldn't trust this, I was looking for some hidden secret or for the mask to slip. I did not see any reason to believe he was not who he said he was and I know now I was stupid to hold back. I could not connect with him sexually ( number 2 was in my head, the first four years together when I was happy that someone wanted me as a woman and I would do anything to make it work).
Number three has led an unconventional life and looks at things differently to what I'm familiar with. He is kind, generous, sociable, adventerous unlike 1 and 2, of course he has his faults and will admit them. I wish i had be able to connect with him intimately instead of holding bck. I'm trying now but still cannot let go.
He's stuck by me and listened to me and supported me through bad times ( again unlike 1&2), but there is still this doubt. What can I do.

I suspect that if number 3 is so different to you, that this relationship wont work out either.
Are you changing yourself to fit in to him?
Try Talking Therapies in your local area, which is a free counselling service. It seems that you have so much baggage in your head that it would be good to talk it out, so that you can make wise decisions and find yourself again.

Therapy. Go to therapy to work through your past trauma and learn to have to confidence to be open and connect with your husband.

Thank you, to be honest I'm afraid to go to therapy. A year ago my husband pointed out to me that I behave towards him how ex number 2 treated me, he said I criticise unnecessarily, I get defensive and make 'comments' that were out of place. I was not pleased about this. I thought about it, he was right. Number 2 became very resentful and angry when intimacy stopped and I asked him to be more of a partner. I'm trying to put things right but it isn't easy.

As a therapist myself, please please please go to therapy.
Therapy isn't a place where your faults, wrong-doings or unhelpful coping mechanisms will be used against you.
It's a place where you are fully accepted as you are, so you can slowly start to heal from the things that have hurt you. And after all that, after you've been seen and heard, after you've learned to be kind and forgiving to yourself and to understand that you've needed to become the person you are today because it helped you survive your past trauma, only then will you yourself at one point start to see that those survival mechanisms are no longer helping you today.
And your therapist will be there to help you navigate your identity, to help you become the person you need today. Not because you have to change, or because you're not valuable as you are right now. But because it feels safe to let go now.

Thank you all, the reason I'm afraid to go to therapy is that it may stir up early feelings for number 2, I thought he would be my Knight in Armour, turned out there was plenty of armour and nothing else, looking back I think he felt sitting around just being him was enough.
TBH, I don't like myself very much.I wasted so much of myself on two relationships that I shouldn't have and doing things with number 2 that I was uncomfortable with but did what he wanted to keep the peace and make him happy.
Now the relationship I have and that I want I can't commit fully to.

Have a read of this

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf