AIBU husband is an arse

[chocolateanddietcoke]

DH and I have 2 year old and 3 month old boys. I'm EBF and up hourly at the moment with youngest feeding. DH gets up with toddler and takes to nursery etc before work.

DH has taken a couple of days off to do some decorating but also asked if he could watch the gladiator film in this time.

I've said of course that's fine, day 1 he's just done half a days painting and sat down in the other room to watch the first one which he said he had to rewatch before the other tonight. I started prepping our dinner in the slow cooker and couldn't find the paprika which I know he used earlier today.

Popped my head round the door and he barked at me "what!" And that he's only just sat down!!!!

I was furious and called him a choice few words. I don't even want to speak to him today.

I don't get to pick and choose hours off I've not slept longer than 2 hours at a time in 3 months and feel disrespected and unappreciated

Guess I’m a bit surprised I have been determined the ah. I haven’t been able to have a break or leave the house for more than 1.5 hours since having Our youngest as he doesn’t take a bottle.

guess just tired and should apologise

Is he giving you a chance to have some naps? Everyone being snotty with you here but sleep deprivation is one of the worst things in the world. No he doesn't "need your permission" to watch a film. But it sounds like your need for a nap currently trumps his film requirements if he's getting a lot more sleep than you currently.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for the husband to "ask permission" to watch a film when you're both in the newborn stage. When you have a newborn (and a toddler) it's important to communicate and tag team as much as possible.

Exactly. And it was only the other day posters were falling over themselves to berate women who did all the night wake ups and that they should "make" their partners do xyz. You can't win on this site.

Can't get over him asking about the cinema.

@Husbands1

Why do you keep quoting her? It's annoying.

Also surprised my the response you had. If you’re completely honest with yourself, did you sort of want to find a reason to interrupt him? Had you previously shown annoyance he was watching the film at home before going out?

one thing I would say is that it’s harder to support someone who keeps saying “everything is hard for me” rather than “here’s how you can help”. Not that you should have to tell him to do parenting / household things, but specifically how to make you feel better.

if you’re usually happy then out it down to lack of sleep and let it go. If it’s usually not great then this probably isn’t the ideal time to deal with it but you can start to detach a little bit.

Don't apologise, ffs, you were only asking where the paprika was!

He's being selfish. He should know how hard it is for you with two little ones. The fact he's done a bit of decorating (which counts for time on your own, imo) doesn't mean he can sit and watch a movie in the daytime without any interruptions at all. That's just unrealistic and unfair of him.

I also thought that the OP was getting an unnecessarily hard time! I have a 2 year old & 3 month old as well, and if my DH sat down to watch a film in the middle of the day while I had my hands full, he would definitely be asking to see if I needed help first. He'd also be making sure I had an equal break and time to myself too.

His time off needs to be divided in two, since you don't get to take any annual leave on mat leave. It sounds like you're both working hard for your family in different ways right now, and both need to be acknowledged with a break. If your baby won't take a bottle, you can still veg out with a movie and hand them back as soon as they're done feeding?

Thanks all. Interesting for different perspective, no my husband doesn’t have to ask permission to watch a film but days off are usually spent as a family.

I have had the baby all day so been like a normal day for me

You need sleep op.
Can he walk them to the park and back tomorrow so you can just get a chance to nap?
Then once you're on a little more of an even keel sleepwise and out the worst of it try and get yourself out the house every day for short periods when you can.
I've done the on my own battling sleep deprivation with a newborn and a toddler and staring at the same 4 walls all day but unable to actually get any proper sleep is full on torture.

I'd expect my DH to ask if he could go out and watch a film if we had a new born baby. It's just bloody considerate isn't it? Coz it's all hands on deck with a newborn..
How would he feel if you just told him you were going out and you left him with the newborn without checking before hand if that were all right? I don't think anyone would be best pleased. When you have a newborn you work as team which includes running it past your partner when you want to be gone for any length of time and it's not essential.

As for OP.. it's very hard ebf in the first months and he should be supporting you thru this time of sleep deprivation by not being a twat at the very least.

I agree with a few other OPs on here (potentially because I'm also sleep deprived with 1 baby and 1 small child... 😵‍💫).

When do you get time off to rest up and watch a film for a couple of hours? I'm sure you'd love that time to get into bed and have a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep! I do understand where other posters are coming from regarding "asking permission", but they've clearly either forgotten or haven't been through the stages of the early years where babies are concerned. It's relentless, constant and when I say "is it ok if I quickly pop to the loo?", what I'm really saying is "I'm not going to be around for the next 5 minutes. If something happens to the baby, it's your fault!".

(And yes, he asks for "permission" for the same reasons, too).

I assumed she meant cinema as the gladiator film is new and at the cinema and her post said he was watching the old one at home??

Half a day- what are you on about?!!! He has done half a days painting, so sat down so she can take the equal amount of time

If he doesn't have to ask who is parenting while he's at the cinema, does the same go for her? Can she just say (one Saturday) "I'm off, see you later" and leave him with the children? Even better, can she say, "honey, I'm having a night off, in a hotel, because I haven't slept more than one hour in a row in 3 months. Byeee"? Because I bet she can't.

We used to have an 'on deck' system. We used to check if the other parent could be on deck for DC while the other did something else. Some houses women are just on deck all the time and men never are.

I can't believe all the comments on here that dont see what he did wrong. unless there is some hidden back story that you are massively controlling and managing his time then the biting your head off when you go to ask a question is never going to be ok.

Op, you have been getting a rough time on here. You will be exhausted, and irriated, which is perfectly natural. It came across in your post that your husband is henpecked and asking your permission for everything, which I am sure isn't the case. I suspect your dh asked because you're doing the lion's share, and not getting the break that you so rightly deserve, more than he does. I suspect he sheepishly asked, because he is well aware of this. I think to make it an even playing field, have a movie day for yourself while dh looks after baby? Would baby take a bottle?

It is easy to get super touchy with each other when you're exhausted, a competitive "whose done the most", passive aggressive little under the breath comments etc. Make sure you are a team, and if one of you has a break, it has to be an even playing field here.

Oh and you just had a baby 3 months ago which is a blooming tough time, nevermind with a toddler too. Cut yourself some slack, you're up most of the night, he is getting more sleep. Take yourself off for a nap in the day. Don't ask him, just tell him? Leave him with the kids. Can you imagine if a man had a baby? They'd be on bedrest for about a year! 💐

You're tired... He probably doesn't realise just how much. I think this is a kiss and make up situation.

Does he have a thing for gladiators?