Partner has online 'friend'

[FancyExpert]

Been with my partner four years and throughout much of that time, my partner has had a periodic online friend she keeps in contact with.

This friend is an ex, whom I found out about by accident in 2023 when I saw her Whatsapping him. Some of those messages were very sexual and it split us up for a time. She admitted that for a long time prior to meeting me, that she was infatuated with him and couldn't get him out of her head, but that has since died down.

Since then, we've got together but this contact has remained. I'm uncomfortable with it and it makes me somewhat Insecure. She quite secretive about this contact and whilst she doesn't deny it, shes very coy about it The only information I have is what she's told me, when I ask questions. If I ask to many questions or express any form of insecurity or question her intentions, she becomes very defensive and flies off the handle and demands that I trust her and that I have nothing to worry about. There's a lack of transparency about the whole thing and my feelings seem not to be her primary concern.

Back in the summer, she went away with her friend to the coastal area not a million miles away from where this guy lives. She asked me if she (and her friend) could visit him. I reluctantly agreed as I thought this contact could finally be put to bed. Anyway, four month later, he's back and it's the same defensive coyness from her.

I asked her why don't she invite him up to where we live and she said quite emphatically that she has no desire to meet him again...which I was puzzled about considering her wanting to meet him over the summer.

I'm not that bothered that she's in contact with him, I'm more concerned with her reaction when I ask anything about him. There's a lack of openess

From my perspective, I'm bored with it all. I'm a good guy, loving and supportive buy I don't think I'm her priority.

Is there anyone out there who has similar experiences with a partner?

It sounds like her infatuation hasn’t died down as much as she’s telling you. Defensive and secretive are signs of where her head is at regarding this man. It’s up to you whether to tolerate that.

Get rid of her. She is taking the piss. You deserve better.

I’m of the opinion that anything you need to hide from your partner involving another person is a fine line towards cheating.

Sexting and being infatuated with another person doesn’t belong in a healthy relationship.

Shes disrespecting you, really think hard if this is something that’s a deal breaker - it would be for me.

Yes, that's my perspective. I've asked her why she is with me at all, when she has feelings for someone else. She denies having any feelings for him and reassures me that he focus is only on me. Which is obviously, bollocks. He seems to be the one who didn't quite work out, or the one who she let slip through her fingers.

My partner is quite highly strung and loses her temper easily. I've always found that to be a sign of a lack of emotional intelligence and therefore, she cannot prioritise the relationship she's in like a normal person would. She definitely doesn't want to split up, but still wants to maintain contact with this guy. She wants her cake and eat it.

You deserve so much better. You partner doesn't value you. You should be valued and treated with respect in a relationship.
LTB

Some of those messages were very sexual and it split us up for a time. She admitted that for a long time prior to meeting me, that she was infatuated with him

This would just be a no for me. Texting him sexual things like that was a choice that she chose to do when she was with you, and I don't think this infatuation is over at all. Spare yourself the torture, the gaslighting, and end it.

I reluctantly agreed as I thought this contact could finally be put to bed. Anyway, four month later, he's back and it's the same defensive coyness from her

You really deserve better than this. Total piss take.

I've always found that to be a sign of a lack of emotional intelligence and therefore, she cannot prioritise the relationship she's in like a normal person would. She definitely doesn't want to split up, but still wants to maintain contact with this guy. She wants her cake and eat it

Don't even go down this route. You're are starting to pathologise her by saying she 'cannot' do this or that because she's less 'emotionally intelligent'.

Yes she bloody can. Yes she does want to have her cake and eat it, whilst laughing at you behind your back, most likely, enjoying the drama of it all, or enjoying playing different men.

And she's probably a lot more manipulative and emotionally intelligent than you realise. She's just not using it for your benefit.