What does it mean and how can I best deal with it when

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

I become obsessed with a man that isn't into me? Is it purely ego? I'd like it to stop. I'm just out of a 20 year marriage for context.

So I have dated a few chaps (in my 50s, so are they). I'm not into them really. I haven't met anyone I fancy so far.

And if they're into me then I am absolutely not at all bothered. Extra not bothered. So I tell them I'm not interested. No ghosting or anything rude. I'm just honest.

But, and this is the story of my life, if a bloke isn't into me then I really fancy him. Currently I'm obsessed with one chap who is reasonably attractive. Our one date was quite hard work. Not easy conversation. Except I enjoyed getting his many texts and the banter over text. Then he made it clear he wasn't interested anymore and the texts stopped. And I cannot stop obsessing. It's driving me mad. I am also filled with self loathing as I must have been in reality v unattractive to him when he'd been really pursuing me for two weeks.

I have done this many times in the past especially with men I have really really fancied, and it makes me think that I must never tell anyone I like them because they will never ever like me.

I sound like a teen but it's a pattern of behaviour I loathe. But can't seem to get out of it. I don't chase or anything. I disappear but I still obsess. It's annoying and boring because it means I don't even think about dating other people.

It'll take a bit of time. Don't indulge any googling or social media stalking. Delete messages and contacts. Don't even consider contacting. You're thinking about an ideal him, not the in person awkward connection. Try and remember that. Crack on with dating and keeping busy but be selective. Lacklustre dates will make this one seem falsely more interesting. In person events? It's the unavailability. You'd have reached the same conclusion yourself quickly enough, left to your own devices.

It's not particularly unusual, though. Google 'attachment styles' -- though this has turned from a late 1960s experiment involving babies' response to a strange situation into pretty much armchair psychology, but it might be useful to you.

You're only attracted to people who keep themselves at a safe distance from you, and aren't too available. Does this have roots in the way you were parented?

A good friend of mine is the same -- he eroticises rejection. When his wife filed for divorce, he saw it as a sign of her superiority, hence attractiveness. And I think he fell in love with her in the first place because she's quite an odd person, profoundly self-absorbed, difficult to impress, someone not that aware of others. It was clearly a real job to court her and get her to marry him.

To this day (now single), he's utterly turned off by anyone who makes it clear they're into him. Literally the most unattractive thing anyone could do for him is to declare 'I love you totally. I'm here for you whatever you need. I'm committed to you till death'.

What you do about it is another matter. But recognising it as a pattern is a start.

How would you feel if this guy suddenly phoned you and said 'I'm totally in love with you. Let's get married!'?

Well, if anyone phoned me and said let's get married I'd run a mile!

But if he said let's meet, I'd meet happily and then I would do my shiny, sparkling utmost to get him to be into me and then my itch would be scratched and I would be free of my obsession. But he won't because he's one of those few men who is pursued by many in the dating apps. Tall, hygienic, reasonably good looking. Grrrr.

Dunno must about parenting styles. I know I was left to cry as a baby because my granny told me and my mum was quite remote. But I know she loved me and was always there for me. My dad was often away with work but he's very dutiful and attentive if a little obsessed.

A little self obsessed.

OK, forget marriage. But if you met and he was totally, utterly into you, nodded attentively along with every syllable you said, gave you Labrador style looks of devotion, held your hand across the table between mouthfuls, and said at the outset of the date 'In case I forget to say it later, I had a really good time tonight' -- would you find it a turn-off?

For instance, I am turned off by people who make it very clear that they are totally into me and think I'm brilliant, whether it's a romantic/sexual situation or just friends. I am the classic Groucho Marx not wanting to be a member of a club that would have me as a member. I know this is because of my early childhood where my parents just didn't the emotional capacity to cope with anything other than providing basic food and shelter, and I know I was left to cry a lot, and got minimal attention. My needs were a nuisance. Which means that as an adult I am very ambivalent about getting attention, especially approving and often don't know what to do with it. As a result I tend to seek out people who give me only small, unpredictable amounts of attention because it's familiar.

"Which means that as an adult I am very ambivalent about getting attention, especially approving and often don't know what to do with it. As a result I tend to seek out people who give me only small, unpredictable amounts of attention because it's familiar."

And this is how you live? Are you involved with anyone? If you do get into a relationship does it have to be with someone who is distant and doesn't seem bothered? How does it work?

Yeah, I'd hate to be adored. I remember getting really choked up when I heard my parents discussing my academic future - private school or not. And I was amazed that I would even be a subject for discussion. This was aged 16.

So yes, I guess the old not getting attention beyond basic needs means a longer term impact.

I assume men won't be interested anyway really and that potential female friends won't be interested either. And I hate it when someone says, "Let's talk about you." What am I supposed to say?

I am often great friends with gay men. I am a cliché. How boring.

Oh, I'm longterm married, and have plenty of friends -- after a lot of therapy, I recognise my own self-defeating behaviours and limit them. And I also used to spend six months abroad for work, which probably helped me self-regulate as regards DH. We're both pretty independent. It did contribute to me planning to be child-free, though we do have a (fabulous) son.

But yes, if someone says 'Let's talk about you' I will change the subject at lightning speed, or say 'Is that the time? Must dash!' My close friends say it is very annoying when I'm obviously agitated or sad or going through something and they will try to ask about it and I'm all 'I'M FINE! Totally FINE! How are you? What happened about X?' My best friend says she imagines me phoning from a hostage situation and saying 'How are you, though?'😀

Well, presumably you parented him or her well enough so that your teen isn't solely attracted to people who aren't that interested and is fine with being straightforwardly loved? Unfortunately, not everyone is, so you can't predict other people's attachment patterns.

I have an old student friend who would only ever fall for people who were about to emigrate or enter a seminary, but last I heard she was happily married to a long-distance lorry driver, who is always about to leave on a trek across Europe, which works for her.

I love the helpful posts on threads. 🙄

Have you done any therapy? You seem very self aware but it's hard to put what we know about ourselves into constructive action.