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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband spends less time with me.

12 replies

Onyx1229 · 11/12/2024 23:48

Me & my husband have been married for 16 years and the past 2 years he is spending less time at home and more time at the pub.
so Monday he was at home but making out he needed to do an errand for me (an excuse to run to pub after doing it) to which I said it could wait until wed , so he left it. Tuesday he came from work sat at the table in work clothes for 20mins then went off to the pub until 10pm, tonight he took my children to a activity club and he promised he would come straight back after at 20:00 which he has just walked back in at 23:30 when the kids have school tomorrow 🤬.
tomorrow he says he is off doing the errand he was meant to be doing Monday and will probably be back late again and sat & Sundays he does overtime even when I ask for us to do something.
I get its money but the main reason he is doing it is to replace the £2000 he’s spent & lost online gambling! He drinks every night 4 cans when not at the pub also.
we never go out together and seems he would rather be at work or in the pub.
I'm honestly fed up and I talk to him and it never helps because it’s in one ear and out the other!
I don’t know whether it’s just me being ridiculous and unreasonable.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 12/12/2024 00:26

Why waste your life waiting for his scraps of attention?

healthybychristmas · 12/12/2024 00:36

Is it possible there is someone else? In any case I can't see any point in staying with this man. You'd be far better off on your own with the children. What's the situation regarding your home?

Charliecatpaws · 12/12/2024 00:47

Were your children out with him until 23.30? Or did he drop them home and then go to the pub?

StrawberryWater · 12/12/2024 01:02

He sounds like an alcoholic.

Don't waste your life.

Bittenonce · 12/12/2024 06:47

You are being unreasonable. He's just doing what any ordinary man would do, living in the year 1900. You just need to know your place, be grateful.
Now please just get on with the housework, look after the kids.

Onyx1229 · 12/12/2024 07:13

Charliecatpaws · 12/12/2024 00:47

Were your children out with him until 23.30? Or did he drop them home and then go to the pub?

Yes they were. 😡

OP posts:
Onyx1229 · 12/12/2024 07:16

healthybychristmas · 12/12/2024 00:36

Is it possible there is someone else? In any case I can't see any point in staying with this man. You'd be far better off on your own with the children. What's the situation regarding your home?

No there definitely isn’t anyone else I know that for certain.
I just don’t know what’s changed in him because he used to be amazing until around 2 yrs ago. We are in a rented home and I work also .

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 12/12/2024 08:07

Onyx1229 · 12/12/2024 07:16

No there definitely isn’t anyone else I know that for certain.
I just don’t know what’s changed in him because he used to be amazing until around 2 yrs ago. We are in a rented home and I work also .

How do you know that for certain?

username299 · 12/12/2024 08:12

You've put up with this for two years and he's still doing it. He drinks every night and gambles. You've spoken to him and he continues to do it.

You need to decide what you want.

Husbands1 · 12/12/2024 16:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

weredormouse · 12/12/2024 21:45

Sounds like a potential red flag for gambling addiction from here. Could be something else but it’s worth checking out. Gambling addiction is easy to hide as it doesn’t affect your physical state like drugs/alcohol, but still changes personality and leaves the addict unable to consider anyone except themself.

(His drinking doesn’t sound too healthy either, tbf…)

Have a look at finances if at all possible. If he’s told you he’s lost two grand, there’s a big chance he’s lost a lot more. Check for debts (credit karma or one of the other apps that shows all bank accounts, loans etc in someone’s name).

It sounds like you absolutely know that something isn’t right. Follow your instincts, check up on anything that smells wrong and don’t be fobbed off.

Even if you don’t find out what’s causing this change, you don’t have to put up with it. If his behaviour doesn’t improve, set some really clear red lines on what you’re prepared to tolerate, and what you’ll do if he breaks those boundaries. Make them realistic, so you can go through with them. It’s not a nice thing to have to do, but you deserve way better.

Finally, if you haven’t already, talk to friends, family, and make sure you’ve got support in place.

Under565 · 13/12/2024 11:24

Onyx1229 · 11/12/2024 23:48

Me & my husband have been married for 16 years and the past 2 years he is spending less time at home and more time at the pub.
so Monday he was at home but making out he needed to do an errand for me (an excuse to run to pub after doing it) to which I said it could wait until wed , so he left it. Tuesday he came from work sat at the table in work clothes for 20mins then went off to the pub until 10pm, tonight he took my children to a activity club and he promised he would come straight back after at 20:00 which he has just walked back in at 23:30 when the kids have school tomorrow 🤬.
tomorrow he says he is off doing the errand he was meant to be doing Monday and will probably be back late again and sat & Sundays he does overtime even when I ask for us to do something.
I get its money but the main reason he is doing it is to replace the £2000 he’s spent & lost online gambling! He drinks every night 4 cans when not at the pub also.
we never go out together and seems he would rather be at work or in the pub.
I'm honestly fed up and I talk to him and it never helps because it’s in one ear and out the other!
I don’t know whether it’s just me being ridiculous and unreasonable.

Hi how are you feeling

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