Fed up with moody husband

[Yellowhellop]

Been together 11 years. I’m sick of his moods. Aways grumpy. Been worse since we had our child who is nearly 3. He does work very long hours, so is tired. But I’m just fed up with it. I also work full time and I’m tired too. He takes everything out on me. When he’s tired he doesn’t help me at all, yet when I’m tired I have no choice but to do it all.
he’s not a bad person, but not sure how much more I can do this. I want us to work. I’ve talked about this with him so many times. I don’t know how much I can talk about his moods and tell him how it affects me, or check if he’s ok, wonder why he’s giving me the silent treatment with a face like thunder or wonder what he’s gonna be pissed off about next.
does anyone else live with someone similar and how do you deal with it?

OP, in my experience this won't change. Normal people don't take their moods on on others. Does he act like that at work, in shops, at the GP? Then why be like that with you?

If you search for threads on this you are not alone! And there are people like me posting about how wonderful it is when you are finally free of it!

You say he's not a bad person, but as previous poster said, he can manage his moods with others, so the fact he doesn't with you, and gives you the silent treatment, is a giant red flag. I still struggle with whether I believe my ex consciously did it or not, but at the end of the day, it was too much to cope with and watching the impact on our child was too much. How would you feel about them being subject to the impact of his moods?

You fucking ignore it OP

You don't pander to him, you don't "check he's ok"

You don't tiptoe around a sulking grown man.

You tell him to grow up, men expect to be treated like gods because they have a golden fucking penis. They think they are the what strong protectors and providers of the family? Yeah right

Tell him, whilst you are being a silent prick don't expect cooking or cleaning from me, there's food in fix yourself something and go upstairs.

It's not as much fun sulking and ignoring someone if they aren't in the same room asking if you are ok, and bringing you dinner and making sure everything at home is just perfect.

"What room do you want to be in so I can be in a different one"

That sort of thing.

I left my sulking miserable man recently. But it took me a long time. So I sympathise massively. I feel amazing now, but kids are older. It's hard with young kids. It's glorious to be free. As PP says, perhaps just stop pandering to his bs for now. Sending hugs 🤗

I did live with someone who employed the face like thunder and silent treatment who had me wondering what was next, and I dealt with it by divorcing him.

Stonewalling and having you on eggshells by using moodiness is manipulation. It's not something that I was prepared to live with.

Sounds relentless and engrained. Does the relationship fulfil any of your needs?

Yet another thread with a hard working woman making excuses for an inadequate man.

OP, just say no, I’m not tolerating this shit any more. Sort yourself out or ship out, mate.

Really, why do so many people put up with it?

He does this because he can and you put up with it. You have a choice re him, your child does not.

You cannot make this work on your own. He does not want your help and or support. Look at his parents, chances are one of them behaves exactly the same.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and as such this relationship is over or it should be. The only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none. His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. Your child will be picking up on all
the vibes between you and his dad, both spoken and unspoken. This is not the relationship model to be showing him because as time passes your child will
be doing this to you as well.

My mum did for 45 years. She was a very unhappy person her whole life.

I would organise a time to have a chat and listen to each other. Find out what's going on. Let him know how his behaviour effects you and try and make some changes and compromise.

Come up with a strategy together on how to move forward. Perhaps look at counselling.

Decide how long you're going to work on the marriage eg you'll check back in in three months or six months.

If nothing changes then the next step is gathering financial information and booking an appointment with a family lawyer.

Because one day he'll change, apparently.

Does he fulfill any of the basic needs of a man ? Is he rich ? Does he have a high paying job ? Is he over six foot and into rugby ? Does he have tattoos and a shaven head ?

All the above are redeeming features and worth fighting for. If he hasn't got these you need to ship tis guy out and find one that is

There are literally thousands of them out there.

Once this behaviour sets in with these men, it's like this for life.

Get out OP. Seriously, just get out.

Start making future plans. See a solicitor to discuss options and get an idea of your financial situation. By all means, take your time with this, but make no mistake—these sorts of men are ten a penny, and it never gets better.

You could have a period of time which is heartache, and a pain in the ass to sort out through all the financials etc but then you will be free and wish you had done it sooner (I've never heard a woman in your situation regret leaving tbh, they all say they wish they had fucked off sooner), or you can crack on like this and still be in the same misery decades down the line.

Thanks for all your replies. He’s mad at me again because hes got a few days off work, I was working and because I was delayed sorting something with my car, then there was bad traffic and I wasn’t going to get to nursery to pick our child up on time, he’s 10 mins away and not doing anything so I asked him to do it. Swore down the phone at me. And he had another go at me because I left the door open to the living room while the heater was on because I went and got our child a drink and I’ve let the hot air out. I wasnt even gone a minute it just felt like an excuse to have a go at me again. I just feel sad. He wasn’t always like this, I’ve mentioned his moods again and again, even just now, but it’s the same thing. I’m clearly so annoying. I keep hoping we go back to how we were which is sad. Just feel crap. I’ve had a hard busy day at work. Fed up and down.

He's a crap partner and he is a bad person.

Stop tolerating his absolute bullshit behaviour.

What's the point OP?
Really what's the point of all this?
Are you running around being good little wife, put child to bed, did you make dinner and tidy up and sort out a load of laundry whilst god of the house barked orders about door positioning that must be obeyed?

I’d honestly tear him a new one for swearing about having to pick up his own child for once.

Do you rent or have a joint mortgage? Have you started looking into what divorce would look like for you?

I'm really sorry OP. I dealt with it by leaving.

When he’s tired he doesn’t help me at all, yet when I’m tired I have no choice but to do it all

Unless his job is genuinely more exhausting than yours, it sounds like he has no problem with prioritising himself over you. If he keeps on like this, he'll drive you away, and unless he doesn't want much contact with his child, he'll be in a worse position than he is in now. All the cooking & cleaning will be down to him, and he'll have your child alone for about half the week without you being there.

My ex didn't sound as bad as yours, but it was enough for me to leave him after more than a decade of being together, and now I'll probably be childless as it's too late to find someone else.

He also took out his regular moods on me (which could change like the wind). He often shut down, retreated into his own bubble or would snap at me, and I often felt like a doormat when he did that. Not all the time obviously, but enough that it was happening on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. He almost never answered the phone with a normal 'hello' (just mostly got sighs or a blunt 'Yes??' or 'What now??', even if I was just calling him to see if he wanted something from the shop. I was ashamed I was in a relationship where a partner treated me like this, but nothing I said really made a lasting, deep difference. He took it for granted that I would always be there, that I would continue to tolerate this, He became emboldened and didn't see much of a reason to hold back anymore.

I didn't grow up with a very good example in a father figure, so I tolerated this for far longer than I should have.

My mum put up with this from my dad for 60 years and now she's become his carer and now he barks orders at her from the chair he can't get out of.
He never helped around the house, never helped with us as children and now she is worn down and miserable.
I wish she'd left him and knew that life could have been so different. She never knew happiness but worse she never knew this was wrong.