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Original poster

I like him, but the timing is wrong

15 replies

Howtodate · 11/12/2024 16:25

So longstory short I'm in my erasmus program right now. From my home university there is also a guy here, who I knew only by his name before coming to my erasmus city. We went out for a coffee for a multiple times and we started getting to know each other. In the 3rd "date" (I didn't know that we were dating back then, because I was seeing him as a friend) he told me that he just broke up with his girlfriend, after 2 years of relationship and that was his decision because he wanted to have new experiences. After a couple of dates he told me that he likes me and that he thinks it would be nice to start something here, because we are in erasmus, in a beautiful city. I told him, that I want a serious relationship, because I never had any in my life and he told me that he's not in the phase for a relationship, because he just broke up after a longterm relationship. That night we kissed, but we agreed to not start something. We continued going out and having fun, but as friends only. Then, I started feeling that I want to do stuff with him, beause we were spending so many hours together and I had so much fun with him. We did something twice, but we didn't have s*x. He told me that this between us is only an Erasmus thing and I told him that this didn't sound nice because it was my first time doing stuff with someone and I'd catch feelings for him. He told me that the best solution to that is to stop things between us now because later it would be more difficult for me, i told him that I don't like this solution and he told me it's for the best because I'm a good person and he doesn't want to hurt me. But, anyway, I'm feeling hurt, because I like him and he likes me, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship again in so short time from his break up and it's ok. I just asked him why he insisted to ending things after erasmus, because we are from the same country, the same university and I didn't ask him for a relationship, just a situationship or something and he told me that he hasn't thought for this in long term. Maybe this proves that he's not so much into me and that's why I started this conversation. I didn't want my first time to be with someone who wants just to spend time with me. Everyone says that he is honest with me and it's the right decision, but I can't stop thinking about him and he knows that it's difficult for me. Now we are just friends, we pretend like anything happened between us and we continue talking during class.

OP posts:
Barbarella73 · 11/12/2024 16:34

What are you asking OP? It sounds like this guy has been straightforward about what he can/can’t offer you. He’s offering friendship, not an invitation to change his mind about anything more. It’s up to you - take it or leave it.

Original poster
Howtodate · 11/12/2024 16:40

He wanted us to be something like friends with benefits actually and only for erasmus, but I can't do that without catching feelings, because he is my first. If he agreed to continue this situationship after the erasmus I would be fine. I find the expiry date problematic. I don't know what to ask, I just want to read thoughts of others about my situation.

OP posts:
Barbarella73 · 11/12/2024 16:54

But what does that matter? All that matters is what you want, and what he wants. Feelings don’t care about the facts - if you want more and that’s not on offer, and you don’t want to accept less, move along. He doesn’t want what you want.

Original poster
Howtodate · 11/12/2024 17:13

Yes, 2 days after that conversation I changed my mind and I told him that I want to continue seeing each other and I will compromise to end things at the end of the erasmus and I thought a lot about this decision. He still told me no, that the best for us is to stay friends, he's afraid of my feelings and he doesn't want to hurt me. So yes, I can't do anything right now, but I can't stop thinking about him, I can't move on so quickly.

OP posts:
Barbarella73 · 11/12/2024 18:01

You can’t help how you feel either, and that’s okay. But it’s important that you accept he doesn’t want to be with you in that way, rather than trying to understand ‘why’ or holding out hope that someday he will change his mind. Focus on things that bring you joy and there will be less space to ruminate.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/12/2024 19:18

I'd throw him back OP. He just wants a friends with benefits thing and you don't.

He's playing with you... he'll go along with the no-strings attached sex and then say 'I told you it was no-strings attached sex' when you're hurt that it's over.

Spend less time with him and you'll find there are much nicer men out there who actually want to be in a relationship with you, not this one who just wants to use you for sex.

(And what on earth is erasmus anyway?)

JingleAaaallTheWay · 11/12/2024 19:36

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn - Erasmus is a study abroad year

Throw him back - he is thinking of what suits HIM (FWB)

If you study at the same university, there is absolutely no reason why he could not have a proper relationship with you during your time away and at your home university. He just wants no strings sex/a temporary girlfriend and then his freedom.

Men who want no strings sex used to have to pay for it with $$, now they expect women to pay for it with hurt feelings instead

You can DEFINITELY do better than that

Don't see him at all (which will help you disconnect) and meet other men/go out with your friends

Wibblywobblybobbly · 11/12/2024 19:46

Just leave it. He's not worth the heartache. Hold out for someone who's head over heels about you. That's what your first should be like.

Mudflaps · 11/12/2024 19:53

He's been honest with you, more honest than you are being to yourself really. He's told you he only wanted a short term thing together with no future, you wanted more, he turned you down, you then decided to go along with his offer and he turned you down because he knows you'll be hurt at the end of it. He's done you a favour, he knows what he does and does not want, he also obviously does not want to hurt you or the complications of you being upset. Try to forget about him,

Oodydoody · 11/12/2024 21:53

OP, he wants a convenient thing while away and when he goes home its over.
He has his reasons.
Unlikely he will share the truth.
Move on, you are being used.

I think he isn't particularly interested and is just looking for a FWB.

Possibly there is someone else back home he is more interested in and you are good enough for now.

Cut him loose.

European/American/Canadian universities have an exchange programme during the undergraduate years.
Very popular and very enjoyable.

Original poster
Howtodate · 25/05/2025 16:03

Howtodate · 11/12/2024 16:25

So longstory short I'm in my erasmus program right now. From my home university there is also a guy here, who I knew only by his name before coming to my erasmus city. We went out for a coffee for a multiple times and we started getting to know each other. In the 3rd "date" (I didn't know that we were dating back then, because I was seeing him as a friend) he told me that he just broke up with his girlfriend, after 2 years of relationship and that was his decision because he wanted to have new experiences. After a couple of dates he told me that he likes me and that he thinks it would be nice to start something here, because we are in erasmus, in a beautiful city. I told him, that I want a serious relationship, because I never had any in my life and he told me that he's not in the phase for a relationship, because he just broke up after a longterm relationship. That night we kissed, but we agreed to not start something. We continued going out and having fun, but as friends only. Then, I started feeling that I want to do stuff with him, beause we were spending so many hours together and I had so much fun with him. We did something twice, but we didn't have s*x. He told me that this between us is only an Erasmus thing and I told him that this didn't sound nice because it was my first time doing stuff with someone and I'd catch feelings for him. He told me that the best solution to that is to stop things between us now because later it would be more difficult for me, i told him that I don't like this solution and he told me it's for the best because I'm a good person and he doesn't want to hurt me. But, anyway, I'm feeling hurt, because I like him and he likes me, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship again in so short time from his break up and it's ok. I just asked him why he insisted to ending things after erasmus, because we are from the same country, the same university and I didn't ask him for a relationship, just a situationship or something and he told me that he hasn't thought for this in long term. Maybe this proves that he's not so much into me and that's why I started this conversation. I didn't want my first time to be with someone who wants just to spend time with me. Everyone says that he is honest with me and it's the right decision, but I can't stop thinking about him and he knows that it's difficult for me. Now we are just friends, we pretend like anything happened between us and we continue talking during class.

Update to this story after months. We returned to our home university. We didn't talk for 2 months, approximately, because we didn't see each other in uni (we were in different courses). One day I saw him and he asked me for a coffee, we went ,it was like always, we shared everything that happened since the day we returned, everything was ok and chill. He paid for me. Then, when I saw him again, he suggested another coffee and we went again and we said everything again, we updated each other about our lives, he asked me about some personal stuff about my family, that I had told him, he seems he cares about me as a person. We talked about our plans in the near future, summer vacations and stuff, and at the end he told me that it was nice seeing me again. I don't know what he's doing. He's friendly yes and very good with me, I thought that after erasmus he will erase me from his life and we will never talk again except a typical hi when we see each other in uni, but he still wants me in his life, wants to hear about my life updates and talk to me about his problems. Is there any chance that he is changing his mind, but he is not 100% sure if he wants something serious right now, especially before the exam period? He knows that I don't want something less than a serious relationship, we haven't talked about the thing between us since ending things back in December. Or does he want to keep me as a friend, who is here to listen to him, a comfort person, when we ended things he told me that he hasn't felt so comfortable with a girl. Idk, also when we first met, he had told me that he doesn't believe in friendship between a man and a woman, so how are we friends now?

OP posts:
Oodydoody · 25/05/2025 16:46

OP, you sound lovely and he knows you are interested.
He is putting you in the holding pen.
He's not that into you, despite liking you, so will keep you on hold as he sees how things will pan out with others.
Men do this.
If he was keen you would know.
You are confused because he isn't interested but is keeping you ticking over.

Forget about him is my advice.
You are wasting your time.
Sorry.

MmeChoufleur · 25/05/2025 17:28

I reckon that his relationship ended with his gf before he went off abroad, and he was hoping to get back with her once he returned. It doesn’t look like that’s happening so he’s turned to you for an ego boost. He’s a player, and you deserve much better. As much as it hurts now, cut him loose or it will hurt for a lot longer.

Original poster
Howtodate · 25/05/2025 17:34

Oodydoody · 25/05/2025 16:46

OP, you sound lovely and he knows you are interested.
He is putting you in the holding pen.
He's not that into you, despite liking you, so will keep you on hold as he sees how things will pan out with others.
Men do this.
If he was keen you would know.
You are confused because he isn't interested but is keeping you ticking over.

Forget about him is my advice.
You are wasting your time.
Sorry.

I know, this is my conclusion too, or he likes my attention, but I have a bit of hope that he isn't such an idiot, because back then he could have taken advantage of my vulnerable situation, but he didn't, and he insisted on ending things. He knows that I don't accept him as a situationship ever again, I'm not a backup plan. Only if he wants to commit seriously, I would give him a chance, nothing less. I just want to see him as a friend, every time we go out, my emotions fade more and more and I want him to be just a friend and not something more in my mind, without having hopes anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtodate · 25/05/2025 17:42

MmeChoufleur · 25/05/2025 17:28

I reckon that his relationship ended with his gf before he went off abroad, and he was hoping to get back with her once he returned. It doesn’t look like that’s happening so he’s turned to you for an ego boost. He’s a player, and you deserve much better. As much as it hurts now, cut him loose or it will hurt for a lot longer.

No, i know from his social circle that he broke up 10 days after he went abroad and I know from a valid source that his gf didn't see the breakup coming; they were good, but he realised that the relationship came to an end.

OP posts:
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