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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've upset friend about her new man and Christmas

39 replies

MeMeMeMeOw · 11/12/2024 15:57

My friend started seeing a guy in the summer, August I think, who she had liked from afar for about two years and is going well, he seems a good guy, he's got a good job and is solvent, no kids, no weird exes, red flags or drama, no lovebombing, a bit of a dream really. They said they loved each other in November and she's really happy which is not the usual story you read on Mumsnet I wouldn't think.

He's going to his family for Christmas in Devon and we live in Stockport. He asked her to go with him. I've told her it's too soon and all happening too quick and she said she agreed, that she wanted to but was afraid that if it all went wrong later she would have got too invested by meeting his family. She doesn't get on that well with her family, no big dramas but her dad can be a pain.

They seem to be well suited and he turns up when he says he will and calls when he says and all fine and dandy but she says that even though it was her instinct to be cautious I've underlined it for her and made her feel more anxious than she was to start with, but I'm only looking out for her.

I've been like a bull in a china shop haven't I?

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 11/12/2024 16:04

I don’t think that 4 months is too early to be meeting the parents. Admittedly Christmas with them might be a bit intense, but if they live some distance away he might not see them that often. Each to their own though 🤷🏻‍♀️

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/12/2024 16:12

I don't think it's too early, I'd have advised her to plan some alone time if it all feels a bit intense.

MeMeMeMeOw · 11/12/2024 16:14

I feel like this now.

I've upset friend about her new man and Christmas
OP posts:
chickenwings2 · 11/12/2024 16:15

Yeah you shouldn't have given your opinion IMO

PiastriThePastry · 11/12/2024 16:16

‘I've been like a bull in a china shop haven't I?’
In a word, yes. ‘I’ve told her..’ just sounds so bumptious! That’s your opinion, it’s not an absolute fact. I can see why it upset her to be honest. That being said, she’s your friend and I’m sure she knows you mean well. She’s a grown woman, she needs to make her own decisions!

Bobbie12345 · 11/12/2024 16:16

So call her back and say just that?

GreenEggs483 · 11/12/2024 16:16

She asked you what you thought, and you told her. No point lying. She doesn't have to take your advice. You just gave her another way of looking at it!

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 11/12/2024 16:18

Seems fine to go for Christmas if it suits them both.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2024 16:18

Yes you have, back off!

slightlydistrac · 11/12/2024 16:28

I agree with others, maybe talk to her again and say you put your foot in it, and it wasn't really your place to comment on where she spends Christmas. And you are sorry for interfering.

The choice has to be hers, and the onus isn't on you to be looking out for her, especially since this bloke is the opposite of someone to be concerned about.

MeMeMeMeOw · 11/12/2024 16:29

PiastriThePastry · 11/12/2024 16:16

‘I've been like a bull in a china shop haven't I?’
In a word, yes. ‘I’ve told her..’ just sounds so bumptious! That’s your opinion, it’s not an absolute fact. I can see why it upset her to be honest. That being said, she’s your friend and I’m sure she knows you mean well. She’s a grown woman, she needs to make her own decisions!

Yes, she's had some prize turkeys as boyfriends before so I don't want her to get hurt again.

OP posts:
midlifeattheoasis · 11/12/2024 16:30

Yes

LimeLavender · 11/12/2024 16:31

Yes and you sound a bit jealous

GreenEggs483 · 11/12/2024 16:33

I misread your first post. @MeMeMeMeOw did she ask your advice? My response was based on thinking she did?
Sounds like you're good friends so just talk to her.

Cornishskies · 11/12/2024 16:37

Moved in with my DH after 4 months, that was 30 years ago, Christmas with his family seems fine if they both want to spend it together. Maybe you should encourage her to make her own decision on this, there are some good guys out there!

BananaSpanner · 11/12/2024 16:40

Not only were you like a bull in a china shop, you weren’t even right in what you said. They’ve been together several months, are in love, he treats her well and she’s not close to her own family. Spending Christmas with his family is a lovely idea. So what if it doesn’t work out, what has she lost? She’ll be upset regardless of whether or not she went to Devon for Christmas.

What are your own circumstances OP?

Padronpeppersplease · 11/12/2024 16:45

I’m sure you did mean well so don’t beat yourself up, but I had a similar experience in that when I met now DH a few days before Christmas & we ended up deciding to spend Christmas Day together as our second date (we were both going to be on our own anyway) my friend was very sniffy about it. She was the same when I announced our engagement and then again with my pregnancy (“this is way too fast”) & we don’t have much of a friendship anymore because of her attitude. It’s fine to have your own views obviously and to express opinions if asked or if there is any cause for concern, but in this case it doesn’t sound like there is any cause for concern. It sounds romantic to me & like she doesn’t have much to lose, it’s just Christmas and she should be able to spend it how she likes :)

whatnow5 · 11/12/2024 16:47

MeMeMeMeOw · 11/12/2024 16:29

Yes, she's had some prize turkeys as boyfriends before so I don't want her to get hurt again.

That’s up to her! Just text her and say you’ve been thinking about it since and it’s not too early on for it if she thinks it’s a good idea. Say you want the best for her and reacted too hastily.

She’s a big girl and can choose either way, but it might be nice for her to feel that you support her and won’t judge her decision if she does spend Christmas with him.

Then pour yourself a Baileys! We all get too het up in trying to protect our friends sometimes.

CrepuscularCritter · 11/12/2024 17:09

LimeLavender · 11/12/2024 16:31

Yes and you sound a bit jealous

I'm not reading that so much as a concern for the friend's wellbeing.

OP : I think there's a great comment above where you could lead with an apology, state that you have overstepped and wish her a lovely time. Your friend has heard your cautious approach, and it would be good to think she can have a great time at Christmas.

Boomer55 · 11/12/2024 17:13

You shouldn’t have involved yourself. She’s a grown woman, let her do as she likes. 🙄

smallsilvercloud · 11/12/2024 17:26

Sounds like she's agreeing with you, honestly if she really wanted to go I don't think she'd pass just because you said so however if it eases your mind, let her know you think he seems really nice and not to think you are influencing her.

Chroomy · 11/12/2024 17:27

Are you jealous?

Let her have fun
If it goes to shit at least was happy in the moment.

MeMeMeMeOw · 11/12/2024 17:30

Chroomy · 11/12/2024 17:27

Are you jealous?

Let her have fun
If it goes to shit at least was happy in the moment.

Not jealous no but I've seen her upset over a procession of losers including one who forgot to say he was married, one who ghosted her and showed up at a party with another woman, one who just stopped calling and when she asked him what was happening he said [some other woman] was going to thump her if she didn't back off and didn't call and was rude to her when she did so I'm overprotective of her yes, we are grown ups.

OP posts:
Neolara · 11/12/2024 17:31

Why don't you ring her up and say on reflection, you think whatever she wants to do is absolutely the way to go because it's her life and you only know the teeny tiniest bit about it. So if she wants to visit the bf's family for Xmas, they you think it's a brilliant idea. And if she doesn't, they you also think that's a brilliant idea too. You trust that she will make the right decision for her.

LoyalMember · 11/12/2024 17:32

Back off, and let her live her own life, and stop being a cockblocker.

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