Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in another dodgy relationship?

21 replies

Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 13:22

I'm an idiot so I'll preface with that. I grew up with pretty bad abuse so I thought anyone who didn't actually beat me was lovely and wonderful. I was with my ex for ages, had a daughter, she is lovely, he is not. I excused abuse til she was 3. Separated 7ish years ago. I've been with my OH for 5 years now. He knows we are not going to move in together while DD is a minor, and has always been okay with that as he has caring responsibilities of his own so we were operating on the same timeline.

We were discussing xmas plans last week. I am not christian so it's not a big deal to me, but my daughter goes to stay with her dad's family for just under a week. I assumed I was going to stay with my OH for this break, but he said he might be going to his dad's on Boxing Day because his dad will be going abroad around New Year's. His dad lives quite a long drive away.

For context he has only just got back from staying at his dad's for a week.

I was a bit hurt/rejected by this but didn't say anything until last night because I want to firm up my plans. If I'm not seeing him, I'll see my brother or a friend. I hardly ever have a week free of childcare obligations, and had hoped we would spend it together. He said he had put off his dad til the 29th. I said that I still felt a bit sad that his first thought was to only see me for a day and a half, less time than we normally get of a weekend. He was angry. Said 'I put off seeing him specifically to make time for you, if that was me it would make me feel special'.

That made me feel a bit .. am I ungrateful?

He told me nothing he does is ever enough for me, I'm argumentative, I don't think about how it was sad for him too. In the end he told me to fuck off so I said okay then and hung up the phone. I don't like people swearing at me.

It may have been my fault because he has been struggling with things lately, he said he had a panic attack Monday night and I didn't even check on him on Tuesday (I sent strategies on dealing with it at the time), I didn't ask how his MH was after (I was in work meetings all day). I shouldn't have brought up that I was sad when he had enough going on.

This is getting stupidly long now so I'm sorry about that. I don't want to drip feed though. It's been a while of him struggling with MH. I get it because I've struggled too but it means for the last 18mos if I'm upset with anything he does, even mildly or say it gently, he flips out crying or getting cross with me. I mentioned some cultural stuff I was missing about a month ago and he got so upset that I was implying he was racist (I wasn't), he said some things that maybe I'm overreacting but I just can't get them out of my head now. He might not be racist but he basically compared learning about my culture to learning about mentally ill people, and he has enough to stress about without delving into our history (describing it in a really negative/patronising way). Maybe it is MH making him act out but some of the things he said really hurt me, and then he said he feels like he can't say anything to me any more and he has to walk on eggshells. Is it just me, am I being oversensitive or am I continually shitty at choosing men and eventually it always escalates? lol.

OP posts:
Discombobble · 11/12/2024 13:25

You are not compatible- put the relationship out of its misery

OriginalUsername2 · 11/12/2024 13:32

Discombobble · 11/12/2024 13:25

You are not compatible- put the relationship out of its misery

Yep, basically this. Your personalities are clashing.

Find someone who gets what you mean when you say it. You don’t want to be constantly misunderstood in a relationship.

goody2shooz · 11/12/2024 13:36

@Chattycathydoll what are you getting from this relationship? Does he make you feel good, happy, cheerful at the prospect of being with him? Your post doesn’t suggest that. More that you’re walking on eggshells in case you upset him. It seems all about him and his mh/or whatever. What about you? From what you’re saying, I think I’d leave him to his own devices and concentrate on yourself. If you think you’re still making poor choices re men, how about doing the ‘Freedom Programme’ and thinking what a ‘good’ relationship looks like to you, because this doesn’t sound like it is. At all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 13:39

Your boundaries here, already skewed by abuse, are being further got at by this man now. Give him the boot and be on your own with your daughter. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Consider contacting NAPAC re the abuse you suffered in childhood as the effects from that are far reaching into your present day. Also enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as part of your recovery from being abused by this current man. MH issues do not make a person become abusive, he is angry because he is abusive.

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 11/12/2024 13:40

He doesn't sound nice. Well done for leaving an abusive relationship, don't stay in one that isn't good for you and making you feel amazing.

Original poster
Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 13:41

It's really sad because we never used to clash like this, we have so so much in common. I don't want to throw it away if it's a MH issue and he could recover and we could get along again but it's been over a year and swearing at me, telling me my people are like the mentally ill in asylums, that doesn't feel like getting better. But I also appreciate it's hard to respond well if you have depression.

I'll definitely look into the freedom programme, that actually sounds really great. Luckily I've always known I don't want to risk exposing DD to my potential bad decisions lol. She has met him about 3-5 times in 5 years, last time was at a dinner in July I think, he is not part of her life. She knows that I have other friendships & relationships but that is 'adult time' and does not influence our life at home.

OP posts:
WhatTheKey · 11/12/2024 13:47

He's a bastard for swearing at you. I would dump a man for that.
I kind of get why he's a bit frustrated that you don't seem to appreciate that he changed plans in order to have time with him over Christmas. After all, you yourself have said that it's not a big deal to you. So I do get why he's a bit put out by the fact that your first reaction to him changing his plans in order to spend more time with you is that you're "a bit sad."

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2024 13:52

Abusers can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

All this about throwing it away, what would you be throwing away here?. Such thinking is the sunken costs fallacy and that helps good people make poor relationship decisions. This five year relationship has really gone nowhere and it’s over anyway or should be because he is abusive. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

His insulting comments are not depression related either, that is what he really thinks of you. There is no justification or excuse for such comments. His MH is not your responsibility.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/12/2024 13:56

it's been over a year and swearing at me, telling me my people are like the mentally ill in asylums

That's enough of him. He doesn't deserve you. End the relationship and you'll feel so much better.

Bittenonce · 11/12/2024 13:59

I’m going to generalise - People with MH issues, history of anxiety, abuse, poor relationships- can gravitate towards others in a similar position. It’s natural. But it means you often won’t be able to be there for each other, really you both need someone solid, reliable, understanding, high eq and patience. Two fragiles don’t necessarily make a strong couple.

Original poster
Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 13:59

WhatTheKey · 11/12/2024 13:47

He's a bastard for swearing at you. I would dump a man for that.
I kind of get why he's a bit frustrated that you don't seem to appreciate that he changed plans in order to have time with him over Christmas. After all, you yourself have said that it's not a big deal to you. So I do get why he's a bit put out by the fact that your first reaction to him changing his plans in order to spend more time with you is that you're "a bit sad."

that's true. It was more that because she always stays with her dad's family for that time we had been saying since November 'oh, we could do this over the break, we could do that over the break' and then he said he was going to his dad's on boxing day. All the things I was excited to do over the break were then not possible, which is why I was sad. But I hadn't thought of it that way. He isn't Christian either for context and he said 'Christmas is just a day' but he also said 'it is a meaningful time of year' so I guess it's still a cultural christian thing? I'll apologise for that because that is a fair point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 14:09

Bittenonce · 11/12/2024 13:59

I’m going to generalise - People with MH issues, history of anxiety, abuse, poor relationships- can gravitate towards others in a similar position. It’s natural. But it means you often won’t be able to be there for each other, really you both need someone solid, reliable, understanding, high eq and patience. Two fragiles don’t necessarily make a strong couple.

When we first met he came across as someone who had his stuff together. He had a good job, seemed stable MH, seemed to have a good previous relationship. It is only the last 18 months everything fell apart which is why I was hoping this is something that is only temporary. I tried to look out for green flags of being a stable person & took 2 years no dating with personal therapy to work on myself before we were involved, but I think I need to try this freedom programme to see where my blind spots are because I still realistically don't know where the line is drawn between 'normal relationship on a bad day' vs 'unhealthy relationship'.

OP posts:
altmember · 11/12/2024 14:24

Your relationship is almost at the end of the road (unless your both prepared to take a significant diversion). When people are falling out they start getting shitty with each other. It's not necessarily abuse, just unpleasant.

Reality is that it's very difficult to sustain a relationship long term when you're both committed to not living together for at least 13 years. Spending time together in this situation starts of as fun and exciting, then becomes a chore, and then you become an option (which TBF isn't unreasonable as your kids are your priority).

Interlaken · 11/12/2024 14:36

Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 13:22

I'm an idiot so I'll preface with that. I grew up with pretty bad abuse so I thought anyone who didn't actually beat me was lovely and wonderful. I was with my ex for ages, had a daughter, she is lovely, he is not. I excused abuse til she was 3. Separated 7ish years ago. I've been with my OH for 5 years now. He knows we are not going to move in together while DD is a minor, and has always been okay with that as he has caring responsibilities of his own so we were operating on the same timeline.

We were discussing xmas plans last week. I am not christian so it's not a big deal to me, but my daughter goes to stay with her dad's family for just under a week. I assumed I was going to stay with my OH for this break, but he said he might be going to his dad's on Boxing Day because his dad will be going abroad around New Year's. His dad lives quite a long drive away.

For context he has only just got back from staying at his dad's for a week.

I was a bit hurt/rejected by this but didn't say anything until last night because I want to firm up my plans. If I'm not seeing him, I'll see my brother or a friend. I hardly ever have a week free of childcare obligations, and had hoped we would spend it together. He said he had put off his dad til the 29th. I said that I still felt a bit sad that his first thought was to only see me for a day and a half, less time than we normally get of a weekend. He was angry. Said 'I put off seeing him specifically to make time for you, if that was me it would make me feel special'.

That made me feel a bit .. am I ungrateful?

He told me nothing he does is ever enough for me, I'm argumentative, I don't think about how it was sad for him too. In the end he told me to fuck off so I said okay then and hung up the phone. I don't like people swearing at me.

It may have been my fault because he has been struggling with things lately, he said he had a panic attack Monday night and I didn't even check on him on Tuesday (I sent strategies on dealing with it at the time), I didn't ask how his MH was after (I was in work meetings all day). I shouldn't have brought up that I was sad when he had enough going on.

This is getting stupidly long now so I'm sorry about that. I don't want to drip feed though. It's been a while of him struggling with MH. I get it because I've struggled too but it means for the last 18mos if I'm upset with anything he does, even mildly or say it gently, he flips out crying or getting cross with me. I mentioned some cultural stuff I was missing about a month ago and he got so upset that I was implying he was racist (I wasn't), he said some things that maybe I'm overreacting but I just can't get them out of my head now. He might not be racist but he basically compared learning about my culture to learning about mentally ill people, and he has enough to stress about without delving into our history (describing it in a really negative/patronising way). Maybe it is MH making him act out but some of the things he said really hurt me, and then he said he feels like he can't say anything to me any more and he has to walk on eggshells. Is it just me, am I being oversensitive or am I continually shitty at choosing men and eventually it always escalates? lol.

To me this is really really simple. If you tell me to fuck off the answer will only ever be “sure, have a nice life.”

He told you to fuck off, so the answer is yes. You’re only an emotional punch bag to him. All his “… but but my MH…” just means “accept being my emotional punch bag.”
It is sickening that nearly a third of people think this is good enough for you, or anyone.

gannett · 11/12/2024 14:42

It doesn't need to be abusive to be an unhealthy relationship. I think you've had a decent innings - 4-5 years of a good relationship isn't insignificant - but you've hit turbulence and you're no longer bringing the best out of each other. I don't think there's one big reason but a combination of the pressures of living apart indefinitely, cultural differences which don't sound like they were ever fully addressed or resolved, and his own mental health issues are going to test any relationship. Under those pressures he's certainly behaved shittily.

It may be the end of the road for this relationship. Don't get caught in the sunk cost fallacy: you had a good time for a while and if it's over now, that doesn't negate it. Don't see it as a referendum on yourself or your relationship choices.

It may also be something you get through, but you both need to be really committed to do the work on that front, and I've no idea what he feels about it. If he's not prepared to do that there's no point "fighting" for this - the worst relationship choice of all would be to beat a dead horse.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 11/12/2024 14:42

You don't need him to be very bad or abusive to see this relationship is still not working right for you him or your daughter. He's not getting the type of support he needs (probably as he sounds overwhelmed and angry and needs more professional input for that) and you aren't getting the nicer times either, which makes the whole thing a bit pointless. Swearing at you, saying 'f off' and so on is not on. The only excuse I would find acceptable is if he fell on his sword, said he felt bad about how he's behaving lately, went and got medication and therapy and changed his actual behaviour to be non-sweary and non-angry. This is very unlikely to happen, even if he was 'nice' in the past, that was in the earlier days, and it isn't working right now with no prospect of change from him. Up to you, but this doesn't sound enjoyable or mutually supportive any more, and you aren't bound together by marriage or children so you don't have to stay.

icelolly12 · 11/12/2024 21:57

It is only the last 18 months everything fell apart

Only?!

Original poster
Chattycathydoll · 11/12/2024 22:45

icelolly12 · 11/12/2024 21:57

It is only the last 18 months everything fell apart

Only?!

Lol, I guess I put everything in the context of LTRs. Previously I was with my ex for 10 years, I have been with OH for 5 years, pretty much all of my relatives were married in their teens and never divorced. 18months doesn't seem that long but maybe it is! I just think if we are together for many, many years then 18months of struggle with MH is just one of those rough patches we'll look back on.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 12/12/2024 00:08

@Chattycathydoll so ‘only the last 18 months’. That’s a long time, almost a quarter of this relationship has not been working for you because of his mental health issues that he isn’t dealing with. It’s up to you if you want to accept this, being told to F off etc etc on the off chance that he sorts himself out. Sunk costs? Yep, another dodgy relationship. You really should expect more than this. You really do deserve a lot MORE than a man who doesn’t tell you to fuck off and doesn’t hit you. A man who makes time for you, makes you happy and doesn’t make you post on the internet for advice. Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page