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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage advice needed - nowhere to turn

20 replies

belle1416 · 11/12/2024 11:04

I don’t even know where to start with you this as I could write a book. Been married 10 years and have two children (with my ex husband, not husband). He has a lot of MH issues going back to his childhood which he has had, and continues to have, counselling for. Any arguments over the years have resulted in him ignoring me for days until I initiate sorting the situation out. He says this is caused by his childhood.

Countless problems over the year, far too many to list. 2 years ago my daughter attempted suicide. I rang her Dad and my husband didn’t talk to me for 5 weeks because of this. He said I should have discussed it with him first rather than ‘running’ to her Dad. Throughout all of this I asked him not to discuss it with anyone as my daughter didn’t want anyone to know. I reiterated this to him many times and the importance of it. I found out that he’d been telling his friend all along and also my parents which I had specifically asked him not to as my daughter didn’t want her grandparents to know. Anyway, long story short, we sorted things out after that but they have never quite been the same.

He is very moody and I feel on edge whenever he is in the house, which is a lot as he works from home. Whenever he is out of the house, I feel like a weight has been lifted. He was in a bad mood last week and I repeatedly asked why, eventually he told me it was because we are like ships that pass in the night. He went out 3 nights like last week, I had only been to work. But we had a talk about it, I said we needed to make more of an effort to out something in our diaries so that definitely spent time together, going for a meal etc. Fast forward to yesterday. I was at work, he texted asking what I’d like for dinner. I said pasta and that I would do when I got in. Got in and he’d made it and I said ‘oh I to thought was making it’ and then he’s in a mood. P*sed off that my immediate reaction wasn’t to be grateful that he’d made dinner, he was cross. I said I was grateful but just thought I was making it. That was it. Barely spoke to me since. This is one of hundreds of examples.

I am at the end of my tether and don’t know how much more I can take. The moods are about anything and everything. We’ve had sex twice this year and I find myself not being attracted to him and doubting if I even like him. We’ve had counselling 3 times over the years and things improve for a few weeks and then back to square one. I just don’t know what to make of it.

posted this on netmums too as I’m from the UK but not sure anyone really posts on there.

OP posts:
Sorteed · 11/12/2024 11:14

So what’s keeping you there?

belle1416 · 11/12/2024 11:16

Sorteed · 11/12/2024 11:14

So what’s keeping you there?

I love him. Which sounds pathetic I know but I do.

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:18

My same question. Usually, finances binds us to a marriage, which I would never ever get on anyone's case about because it happens to so many of us.
But! What would a nice one or two bed flat/cottage/space that is yours feel like? Because I bet the only thing that keeps you is 'the house'. Honestly, don't let the walls you call home become your prison.
What are you afraid of? Change? Imagine being able to live in a space where you can exhale ALL of the time!

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:19

I love him. Which sounds pathetic I know but I do.

Does he love you?

belle1416 · 11/12/2024 11:30

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:18

My same question. Usually, finances binds us to a marriage, which I would never ever get on anyone's case about because it happens to so many of us.
But! What would a nice one or two bed flat/cottage/space that is yours feel like? Because I bet the only thing that keeps you is 'the house'. Honestly, don't let the walls you call home become your prison.
What are you afraid of? Change? Imagine being able to live in a space where you can exhale ALL of the time!

Yes, a lot of this. We have a LOT of debt together. I’m not bothered about living in a big house and know I would happier living with just my children.

OP posts:
belle1416 · 11/12/2024 11:31

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:19

I love him. Which sounds pathetic I know but I do.

Does he love you?

He says he does.

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:38

Ok so remove language and what he says for a minute. Does it feel like he loves you?
Because the language we use to tell ourselves our own story is often different than how we actually feel.
Walking on eggshells, anxiety in the presence of someone we're sharing everything with (space, beds, food, debt), and that heartsinking sensation when you hear his key in the lock when he's back home is not love. That latter one was a huge realisation for me after he'd gone... the peace, the silence that came with not hearing the sound of his key in the lock was music to my ears.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:39

Shared debt- shared big debt- is a real shadow for you both. Of all things, you both need to talk about how you're going to tackle this. That's the elephant in the room. Debt is a marriage killer. Sorry to be so blunt.

Menopants · 11/12/2024 11:40

You don’t love him you love the version of him that you invented when you met him. It sounds horrendous and you would be 100% happier without him

user1471600850 · 11/12/2024 11:45

What exactly do you love Op?

belle1416 · 11/12/2024 12:22

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:38

Ok so remove language and what he says for a minute. Does it feel like he loves you?
Because the language we use to tell ourselves our own story is often different than how we actually feel.
Walking on eggshells, anxiety in the presence of someone we're sharing everything with (space, beds, food, debt), and that heartsinking sensation when you hear his key in the lock when he's back home is not love. That latter one was a huge realisation for me after he'd gone... the peace, the silence that came with not hearing the sound of his key in the lock was music to my ears.

Sometimes it feels like he loves me, when he’s not in a mood. That’s the problem.

OP posts:
belle1416 · 11/12/2024 12:22

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 11:39

Shared debt- shared big debt- is a real shadow for you both. Of all things, you both need to talk about how you're going to tackle this. That's the elephant in the room. Debt is a marriage killer. Sorry to be so blunt.

We have a plan in place that is affordable to us and have money left over.

OP posts:
belle1416 · 11/12/2024 12:23

user1471600850 · 11/12/2024 11:45

What exactly do you love Op?

When he’s nice and in a good mood

OP posts:
Foxblue · 11/12/2024 12:26

I'm so sorry to hear this. I think you need to face up to the fact that this will be impacting your children, no matter how much you might think you are hiding this.

orangewasp · 11/12/2024 12:38

I think you're flogging a dead horse and should call it a day.
But the example you've given isn't great - he asked what they wanted for dinner and then made it and your mmediate response was to question it. It sounds like a very negative environment

TeenLifeMum · 11/12/2024 12:44

Protect your dc. This isn’t healthy op and if they were in your situation when older, what would you advise them?

Bittenonce · 11/12/2024 12:51

You say you love him. But also that you don’t really like him, or want him. You don’t have a sex life. You like it when his mood takes an upswing, but you know these are temporary. PP was right about your meal example- think if I’d cooked what you wanted to save you the bother, I’d have expected a little gratitude. But I’d guess the state of your relationship has altered both your mindsets now.
Really, have you just run out of love ??

belle1416 · 11/12/2024 14:53

Thank you for the advice everyone, I am taking it all on board. Whoever said the love has gone, I think you’re right.

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 21:36

Bad relationships have lots of nice bits and lovely moments. It’s not all bad all of the time. Just like abusers don’t abuse all of the time. They too can be nice sometimes.
That doesn’t mean we should stay. Not at all. But it’s the nice parts, the crumbs of love, that keep us invested and believing we have something worth fighting for.

belle1416 · 12/12/2024 15:17

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/12/2024 21:36

Bad relationships have lots of nice bits and lovely moments. It’s not all bad all of the time. Just like abusers don’t abuse all of the time. They too can be nice sometimes.
That doesn’t mean we should stay. Not at all. But it’s the nice parts, the crumbs of love, that keep us invested and believing we have something worth fighting for.

This is so true. Thank you.

OP posts:
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