family rant - just blowing off some steam really...

[otter1980]

right long story

my family are estranged to say the least, i havent spoken to my mum for well over a third of my life (im 28). I am currently expecting my 1st baby (which we're all excited about) and know that I do not want that woman anywhere near my daughter. ever.

this should be fine, however her friend used to get on same train as me to work (but never said anything to mother) as I never discussed the pregnancy with her (despite the bump). on my last day I told her about it (well she came up to me and said hi and stared at bump) and did ask her to please be discreet.

at the same time my little sister had been trying to re-establish a relationship with me (we had stopped speaking, in some part to do with my mum - as well as a number of other things) and I had sort of being giving that a chance, had a bit of an email relationship, but I was very wary and didnt mention pregnancy (i have had my fingers seriously burnt by them both in the past). Told sister re pregnancy 2 weeks after mums friend. specifically said that although i understood she may feel the need to tell mum, i did not want a relationship with her. 3 days later i get an email from my mum. (the only person who she could have got my email from is my sister) this annoys me to say the least. This does answer my doubts about my sister. So basically I dont answer this email and have not responded to 1 email from sister since.

Today I get back from meeting friend for lunch to find mother has sent me a postcard thing. basically says "Otter, delighted to hear of your news and hope all goes well for you, your partner and your baby. i wish you all well for the future and shall be delighted to hear from you when you feel the time is right, love mum" then her contact details.

basic point of this long winded rant - cheeky b*h, i haven spoken to her for many years. I have made it VERY clear that I dont want to speak to her.
secondly - how has she got my address? postcode on the letter was just the first bit so dont think its electoral roll. is she now stalking me FFS???? what do i do if she turns up on the doorstep?? she knows where we live. this woman is not psychologically very well. oh crap bollocks im now imagining worst case scenarios...

having read that through I also would like to mention I do have some sane family that I talk to, and really quite like... also that i have been to counselling and discussed this messy relationship for hours and its generally been established that it would be healthier for me to drink bleach that talk to this woman...

phew! what a long story!

Sounds like you have a very toxic relationship with your Mum and that it is right that you dont have contact with her.

I hope she has just sent you an email and postcard to wish you well and that if you want to get in contact with her then there are her details.

Try not contacting her at all (if you dont want to) and see what happens. If she is stalking you then you could contact the police and get an injunction out against her.

Or you could write to her and tell her you do not want contact with her at all.

So sad though to have that sort of relationship with your Mum. She must be very messed up.

You know that you should either ignore her or write to her telling her to leave you alone.
Personally, If I wanted no contact with someone then I would ignore them as writing to them would open a line of contact iswim. The decision has to be yours though. Good luck for the baby.

thanks for listening, feel a bit daft really - i know that I dont want any contact and that if i respond than she'll never go away but then i started to panic and wind myself up... collision, it is sad that I dont have a mum but I do have a lovely step-mum and DP's mum is also very lovely so we'll not be short of doting grannys

otter1980

Would suggest you not contact your Mum under any circumstances.

Would also suggest you also post on the "well we took you to stately homes thread part 3" of these pages. It may well help you as well to read and put your writings on there too. There will be others who know exactly what this toxic situation is like.

Oh that sort of postcard...like the one I got last week from my mother who I have not spoken to since I was 8mth pg... and the fact she hand delivers mail to my house despite it being a bus ride and 4.5 mile walk from the bus stop ...yes....that sort of behaviour is freaky isn't it...take deep breaths and realise that you are an adult now...not a small child. You don't have to let her into your house...you have a front door and a lock, right? Think of it from her point of view...she has your email address (which you can change), she has your address (which you can't ), but...you have access to your house she can turn up, but you or dh has to let her in...she can mill around outside for hours/days...would make no difference...she'll just get cold/bored/feel an idjit... frustrated is the word.

And you can choose how to respond to the email/postcard...do you invest time and emotion and worry in it? Or do you just think...well if she turns up I don't let her in. I'll change my email addy...and as for her sending stuff in post...nothing I can do about her sending it...but I can not read it and burn/bin it straight away.

You have choices you never had as a child...use all of them

And yes...go on to the stately homes thread...just post anything at anytime...just an ongoing support thread...and if you want to read it first...you may be some time

(hi attila! )

Dont contact her at all as she will think she has got through to you in some way.