Should I leave alcoholic partner

[hanlou1990]

Hi just looking for some encouragement/opinions/support. I have 2 dc 4&2. My partner is an alcoholic, he drinks every day and even more on weekends. His behaviour i feel is completely unacceptable infront of our children. He’s not a nasty or violent drunk, that’s how it’s gone on for so long I think. He drinks all night falls asleep on the sofa and then when me and the boys get up he goes back to bed. He drinks walking the dog, he drinks at any opportunity! It affects us all so much and he’s doing nothing to stop. Gr tries for a week and leats ends up drinking again. It gives my so much anxiety and I absolutley dread the weekends and the depressing environment that we live in. My children are amazing, and far too precious for this. I’m worried I won’t manage financially on my own. I’m also worried that he’ll want the children over night and that is absolutley not happening! Any experience on what’s best to do would be so appreciated I really am so fed up and down m. Thank you for listening x

So you aren’t married? Does he work? What is your housing situation?

My mum stayed with my alcoholic father, he was a functioning alcoholic so could still provide. It was a nightmare for us children to be fair, I understood she stay with him for the very reason she wouldn't have wanted to leave me and my sister with him. She divorce him soon as we were both independent adults. I think unfortunately she did the right thing, although I could never understand at the time why she stayed with him.

If he goes to bed when you get up, is he not working? If not, I’m sure you’ll be fine financially without this burden round your neck.

You’re right in that your children are far too precious for this. You have a choice re this man and they do not, they have to follow your lead. They’re currently seeing a drunkard dad and a fed up and otherwise preoccupied mum whose headspace is mainly taken up by her alcoholic.

Make their home life as well as your own better without their dad in it day to day. Growing up with an alcoholic parent will do your kids no favours at all. This model
of a relationship is no legacy to leave them.

You will manage financially and I also doubt he would have the kids overnight if at all because they will interfere with his drinking time. This man’s always on a comedown from alcohol which itself is a depressant. His primary relationship is with drink, not you or them and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. It seems also you are not married to him because you refer to him as your partner, is this correct?. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will
only properly start when you and he are apart. Get support from Al-anon and at the very least read their literature. Also consider seeking legal advice re all aspects of separation from him.

Hoof the useless lump out and get on with enjoying your life without the troll snoring in the bedroom.

You'll have loads of extra money without funding him, his drink, his 'that food is shit, I want a takeaway <wanders off out and comes back four hours later without a takeaway>' alcoholic's palate, probably his fags/tobacco too, trying to get the kids out of the house away from him, washing his stench off the bed linen...

Been there, done that. Felt rich within a fortnight.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism . He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. Save your kids and yourself from day to day life with an alcoholic because it’s never anything other than chaos and firefighting.

Just the title of the post was a yes from me... The fact you have kids around him..girl do them a favour and get them away whilst they are young.

He won't choose you all over the drink at this point.

He works, this is regarding the weekends- he’ll function when he has to x

Not married- he works- he owns the house,did before I met him. X

Oh dear.

OK, well it sounds like he’s an alcoholic so nothing you can do or say is likely to change that.

I would leave. Do you have any savings? Family who would support you while you get straight?

I think it’s reasonable to say he cannot drive with DC in the car (if he drives) and to limit contact so it isn’t overnight.

Yes I have enough savings to hopefully put a deposit down on a small mortgage, I’m not currently in work though as I gave up my job to bring up my children so my plan is to get back into work first and then after a few months apply for a mortgage: thank you for your response I know it’s best I leave but somethines you just need someone to say it aswell

Has he ever acknowledged he has a problem or in complete denial?
But yes you need to leave and remove your children from this environment.

Yes, despite all the complications you need to remove yourself and children from this.

Do you have any proof of his drinking or is it all at home behind closed doors?

I left my alcoholic ex and once I was out he denied drinking! It was all at home, sitting up late into the night so hard to prove. If you can now start taking photos of the empty bottles/cans
Photos of receipts when alcohol is purchased. You may need them later to keep your kids safe from over night visitations.

He has a job, for now and until
he does not. If he is indeed drinking every day as you stated in your initial post
it is likely that his employers have noticed.

You need to work and sooner rather than later. Your own legal position too is very poor.

OP I really feel for you. Does he realise he has a problem and is he willing to take steps to address it? GP, AA, counselling etc?

I suggest you connect with Al Anon. You will meet others who are/ have been in similar situations and it will provide you with lots of knowledge, information, support.

Talk to him and see if he will seek help. Explain if he doesn’t he will lose you and you will take the children and if he fights you for the children the courts will decide what access/ care he is capable of giving.

If I were you I would start planning an exit and life as a single mum - this is a progressive disease which will not get better on its own it will only get worse (weekend behaviour seeping into weekdays, sacked, hospitalized). You’ll need to change the situation that leaves you financially dependent on him - especially since you are not married. Can you get back into work? Work out what child maintenance you will get based on his earnings - but don’t rely on to forever incase eventually he won’t be able to work and you’ll need to support your children largely yourself. Work out what benefits you’ll be entitled to. Do you have family you can live with whilst you find feet? What’s rent like in your area? Take your time, this might take months to put into place, but take control.

I don’t know much about your legal rights wrt house etc, I have been in a similar situation but I was married to my ex.

Yes this is a sensible idea- thank you so much

He does acknowledge he has a problem - he tried but always ends up back on the drink - I am definitely going back to work in the new year as my youngest is starting school when he turns 3 in February - thank you for your reply

Has he ever tried to address it, contacted AA or another alcohol services?