Finding the courage to leave your husband

[Anonymous90sKid]

I’ve been married for a while and there have been so many red flags. It’s clear to me I am in an unhealthy marriage and I have tried everything to make it work. The main the reason I’ve stayed is because of our child. Also, I do have worries about being a single mum (especially with all the challenges and lack of government support in the UK today). I have struggled a lot to find the courage to leave my marriage but I feel like something is holding me back. It would be good to hear if someone has gone through something similar.

Ive not left yet, but I found working out my finances really helped and empowered me. I know I can end it when the time is right.

Agree with above. Knowledge is power, and power gives courage.

Work out your finances. Check with a benefits calculator and see if you can get help with childcare or rent at least. Go on CMS to see how much he would have to pay if it wasn't 50/50 (is he likely to want that?).

Look on rightmove to get a rough estimation of your house, then deduct the mortgage owing to find your approximate equity. Find out both pensions. Since everything is online now at the very least find out how many he has and who with as that can help the solicitor. Start separating finances, take your share of any joint savings.

Based on an estimated 50/50 split of house, pensions, savings etc work out if you can afford to buy a smaller house or a rental. Keep adjusting expectations, locations and wants until you find something.

Finally get a one off consultation with a solicitor.

Once you have looked into everything and dreamed of what it could be like, eg no dirty clothes dumped on the floor, no Top Gear or football on the TV, a cleaner or tidier or quieter house, that is when you tell him the marriage is no longer working for you. Good luck.

Ive not left yet, but I found working out my finances really helped and empowered me. I know I can end it when the time is right.

This. And also a solicitor consultation.

Developing interests/social network. De-cluttering. There are things you can do to be proactive.

On another post a list of 3 potential main barriers to leaving came up, could any apply to you?

Finances
Impact on DC (do you have dc?)
Fear of being alone

You won't find you are alone with this op. There are a few threads already up and running along similar lines.

Perhaps this thread can inspire you to move forward

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?page=1

Yes, good thread Autumnfroglets. It's just getting to that point of making the move. It also depends on age/number of dc as well I think. I can understand why women wait until dc are secondary school age (especially those with little real life support).

Yes, many people stay in unhappy/unhealthy relationships for various reasons, but thing to member is, it is never too late to leave. I left my exh after 25 years of marriage. I had similar fears, kids, finance, shame, etc, but one day I asked myself if I could see myself living with him for the next twenty years. Well, the answer was obviously, no. That did it for me.

We separated over three years ago and have been divorce for over a year. Not once did I miss him or regretted my decision. Not once. Good luck op.