Question about attachment style - anyone know about this?

[ThatFastHedgehog]

Hi!

So I was seeing a guy and everything was perfect for the first few months, he told me that I was his dream girl and we had amazing chemistry (or so I thought) and spoke about having a future together and what life would be like, I was completely enthralled by this amazing man - however a few months down the line he then started to pull away and act cold towards me which was a shock to the system. I then started to ask what was wrong, and stated that Ideally if this was to work I’d need more from the relationship - he agreed and said we’d work on it but nothing changed. So I then realised I wasn’t having my needs met and after a month of him acting this way I decided to break up with him and told him I would ideally need more affection, intimacy etc and that I don’t think this was for me. He responded with a message saying he has pulled back recently and thinks he may not be ready for a relationship (he is mid to late 40s, no kids no previous marriage). It took me breaking up with him for him to say this - why wouldn’t he say it before? For anyone that knows, is typical avoidant behaviour? Or was he just not that into me despite him telling me that he sees a future with me, told me he wants to have kids and marry me one day, took me on amazing dates, spoke about everything under the sun and made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I feel completely blindsided and stupid for believing him. A friend mentioned attachment theories and I am fascinated as haven’t heard of this before? So if anyone knows or could shed any light on attachment theories based on this I would appreciate it

Google is your friend.

Theories aside, he just sounds like a dickhead.

Sounds like love bombing and future faking. They promise the earth very quickly then pull away - unfortunately seems pretty common these days.

Id say be very wary that anyone being so full on at the early stages is potentially a huge red flag.

Dump him. He was love bombing and is now messing with your head.

FWIW DH and I thought we'd get married on our first date but both of us had the sense not to mention it to each other for a year.

Being too intense too soon is a big red flag.

Sounds like an avoidant. Love bombing then pulling away - a pattern that he's probably repeated over and over - hence the 'mid to late 40s, no kids, no previous marriage'. There are many articles online and books on attachment styles.

Could be an avoidant, could later turn out to be abusive...Love bombing and future faking, then going distant (hot and cold behaviour, becomes intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked) it's all pretty textbook.
Given the history I myself have and the lessons I've learnt, I would be running from any man now who made those kinds of claims within only the first few months.

He's waving a red banner for me personally so whatever attachment style he may or may not have is irrelevant really - it's probably best to keep it as is. So well done for breaking up with him. Try to move forward and try not to waste any further time analysing him.

Thankyou so much for this. It’s super helpful x