Promising to change

[Weimlove]

Hi I've been in a terrible place with my relationship. We went through a spell with a new puppy where he was controlling and emotionally abusive. I have eventually got to the point where I was ready to leave and being firm in that decision. I felt everytime we discussed issues he wouldn't take responsibility.

The last time I told him it's done, the following day he got really upset, cried a lot and admitted he's been depressed and suicidal. Says he can't believe he has ruined things so badly and he doesn't want to lose me. Said he will go to therapy and promising to sort the 2 other big issues I have with our relationship. I feel I want to give another chance as I do feel he was being sincere and it was hard to see him so broken but the other hand I'm worried nothing will change. What do I do?

He’s blackmailing you with talk of suicide. If he’s saying he’s depressed has he been to the GP to make the change?

Stick by your decision and leave - he's being manipulative and emotionally controlling.

If it helps - tell yourself (not him) that you'll leave, and if he gets therapy maybe you'll get back with him in the future. When he can really explain that he understands how he behaved and why it was wrong. But...he won't xx

Abusive men never change in the same relationship they’ve been abusive in.

Just took in that aside from being abusive you also have '2 other big issues' - go, please go! You don't need this man in your life!

And I’ve had two serious sit down conversations with my DH, on both occasions he said he’d change, and he knew the problems without me saying them. First time he changed for 5 days, second time he didn’t make any effort. So they don’t change as they know you’ll stay, so they don’t have to.

Yeah, he has had over a year of me wanting to leave to change and he hasn't and has never accepted responsibility. So a big part of me thinks it is a last ditch attempt to keep me. It's sad as I wish things were the way they are when he is trying hard but it never lasts

What do you do? Accept the fact that this is who he is and walk away. He's a prize manipulator and he's doing everything he can to emotionally strongarm you into staying.

If he threatens suicide, call an ambulance.

Controlling abusive behaviour on top of 2 other issues?
Run!!!!

As a man, sometimes it can feel like too often on here the advice quickly jumps to LTB, without giving him a chance. But....
You have been unhappy and have had multiple issues with the relationship - for a long time.
Either he's controlling or manipulative, or
He's sincere - but insensitive to your needs unless you threaten to leave, and mentally unstable enough to seriously consider suicide.
I think sometimes people need to be apart to see things more clearly.
And if / when you go - 2 rules:
No contact! Because if he is manipulative, he'll say or do anything to get you back under his control. If not, he needs that time alone too, to get his shit together.
And don't mistake being lonely, for thinking things weren't so bad. Lonely doesn't last as long or feel as bad as being with the wrong person. Lonely gets better, wrong person only gets worse.

I think I need to be in a position to leave as soon as I bring it up again as other wise I just get manipulated and reeled back in. I feel very anxious as I know I am going against my gut by giving him another chance and he needs to change for himself. It shouldn't take me leaving to be the thing that finally makes him realise how bad things are

From experience, people don't change for someone else. I would say at least walk away for a period of time and see if he works on himself, then you can reconsider giving it a chance but I'll bet you won't want to once you have some space from him