Has anyone else had this issue with their partner?

[FTM44]

Hi. FTM here. I have a 6 month old and have been doing okay - some ups and downs - but now I cannot keep on top of things, especially the house. It's a mess and that stresses me out. I want a nice place for me and my baby. He doesn't sleep well right now, so I'm having to (try) and take a first nap when he does, then entertain him a lot as he's in a clingy stage. I get some stuff done but then another room ends up a mess and it's all a bit much and spirals. I've never been like this. The reason for posting is, I don't get any help from my partner. He works a lot and pays for the house and all the bills. I'm on self employed mat pay so I pay my car insurance, phone, baby classes etc stuff like that. I do all the night times which I don't mind because my partner works. But I get no help otherwise. No cleaning. I don't know the last time he changed a nappy or washed a dish. He gets frustrated when the baby crys. He's called him names. He says it doesn't matter because he can't understand but I hate it. I just need someone else's perspective and to ask what other people's partners do? Is this common? He will leave dishes etc and cans. Just does nothing at all to do with the house. It takes a melt down for me to get help. He thinks because he works I should do everything I think. Esp with baby. Says it isn't 50/50 if he's doing some of my job (I think he means getting up at night and stuff with baby). I'm grateful I can stay home with my wee one, and we aren't exactly super well off or anything but we make it work. I just don't know what to do. Am I just being an idiot or do other people's partners help them or expect them to do it all, and look after the wee one? I'm just really struggling right now, and could do with some help from people I don't know. I don't really like to admit when I'm struggling. Thank you

Unfortunately it is quite normal but it's not OK. Why don't you suggest that you're OK with having a 24hr a day job, but only if he gets a night job to make it fair. Maybe 2 night jobs so he has 8 hours in each work place. What could also work well is you having an absolute breakdown and leave for a week so he can have a go at the easy life of full time childcare of a clingy baby.

How many hours a week does he work, and how does that compare to your 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on duty looking after his child and doing all the night waking, housework, cleaning, cooking, laundry and everything else?

How much free time does he get? How much free time do you get?

You also work MORE THAN full time....your a mum.
He needs to help, although I agree this probably isn't that unusual it's just not right. He helped make your child and now he needs to help with life.
How did it work pre baby?

Nope not normal.

To put in context day DH has emptied the dishwasher (his morning job), emptied bin because he noticed it needed doing, put youngest to bed and put bedding on our bed. I’m a sahm to school aged children.

He's definitely not seeing what you do as work. But it is. And that means you don't get time off - he gets evenings and weekends. Maybe it shouldn't be a 50/50 split, but there should be a split with him pulling his weight.

My husband always struggled to do the wake ups - he would be sound asleep, so I'd have to wake him, then he'd take forever to get up, get the milk, etc - so I was wide awake too. In the end I said it wasn't working for me, so instead we agreed I would do all night wake ups, and at the weekend he would get up with the baby as soon as they woke, leaving me to have a few hours to sleep. I was more of a night owl and he was a morning person, so this definitely worked for us - and gave him some one on one time when the baby was generally happy to bond. Could you try something like this?

The nappies thing made me laugh. Our eldest is 19 now - my husband will still go on about how for the first 3 weeks I barely changed a nappy (it was more like the first week but I let that go)..,,,, he doesn't seem to realise he's essentially telling people that he stepped up for less than a month before leaving me to do the lot. I think he changed more nappies in the first 3 weeks of our eldest being born than he did across the total time in nappies across our 3 children.... If I had my time again, I wouldn't have let him get away with being so useless.

Sadly a lot of men seem to think that the house and baby are the woman's job once you have children - even if the woman works too, never mind if you are a SAHM! It doesn't make it right, but it's so widespread it's seen as normal.

What sort of names is he calling this child?. For this alone I would carefully consider whether this is a relationship you want to remain in. He has most of the power and control in this relationship and he knows it too. Being a SAHM and unmarried puts you in a poor legal position too. There is also a potential of you being economically abused in that you’re struggling on s/e maternity pay whilst he is earning a wage. The financial disparity is very apparent.

Why can’t he pay your bills or is he really the sort who thinks that his money is his and Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy?. Your current situation is untenable.

Ask him “When is my down time?” And watch VERY VERY carefully how he reacts and what he says.

No this is not normal at all. I took mat leave with my kids and whilst the majority of the household stuff was my responsibility my partner “helped” with night feeds ( Friday and Saturdays), emptied the dishwasher would do bath time feeding time and everything that was required during the weekend even though DP worked long hours. Parenting is not a 9/5 job is constant and add the managing of a household to that - him just going to work is not a 50/50 split you are doing the majority of the work.

Edit: also huge red flags that he’s calling a little baby names - I mean I don’t want to be unkind but that is not normal behaviour.

Not normal and doesnt sound like he’s much of a partner? Partners support each other. What support are you getting? He’s getting your support by looking after him
and home and doing his share of parenting.

Calling baby names is not ok either. I would think about whether this is a good relationship for you and baby.

He's calling his tiny baby names when the baby is expressing hunger/tiredness/frustration/distress or some other need in the only way it can? 🤨
I would have serious issue with this all by itself OP.

This is not OK and a huge red flag.

What kind of nasty prick calls a baby names? He's going to cause your poor child so much damage.

Things my husband did while I was home on maternity leave:

• Stayed home with me for the first few weeks
• Change all diapers at night so I only had to worry about feeding and burping (while I was breastfeeding) and after breastfeeding we would take turns getting up for bottles and diaper changes
• Stay up all night with me if needed when baby was colicky and I was feeling mentally overwhelmed
• Got up early with baby and let me get another hour of sleep before he headed to work
• Take baby one morning in the weekend and let me sleep however long I wanted. He got the other morning
• As soon as he had to go back to work, he scheduled household help for me so I'd not be home alone and things like cleaning and ironing would still get done and I could just enjoy new motherhood
• Merged all our finances so I wouldn't be the only one impacted financially from being home with baby.
• All grocery shopping and cooking in the newborn stage, making sure I had nice things to eat while home alone. Or keeping baby while I went to the shops, so I could browse in peace
• Feeding me snacks and bringing me drinks while breastfeeding or stuck walking around with crying baby
• Taking baby while I ate dinner so I could eat in peace
• Taking baby off my hands as soon as he got home in the evenings so I could shower or relax
• Checking in with me before making his own plans, to make sure free time was evenly divided between us both and I wasn't feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. Cancelling plans if baby or I was having a bad day and staying home with us.
• Encourage me to spend time away from the house and baby in the weekends. Never called this babysitting, just parenting.
• Went along with every strange request, whim or craving I had. "You had a rough day and want sushi? Okay, sushi it is. You want it from that good place a 30 minute drive away? Fine, where are my keys? You want to go pick it up yourself so you can be out of the house for an hour? Fine, hand over the baby and enjoy the drive! Take the scenic route even."

My husband will cook, clean, wash, iron, change diapers, dress children, do bedtime, wake up at night for bad dreams, take care of them when they are sick, clean vomit and wipe noses, comfort them when they cry, listen to their stories, take them to the playground, mow the lawn and chop wood, get on the roof to fix a leak. He will do these things (mostly) without being asked and will take over when I'm not feeling well. And I do these things for him. I feel very fortunate, but at the same time I feel like this should be the standard.

There is no such thing as 50/50 when you're a team and a family. You each give what you have to give. If you've done your 50 and the other is drowning, how do you stand by and watch them drown knowing you could have helped? That goes beyond me.

Yes, agree. Team work should be the standard.

He just doesn't get it. He doesn't see you as a team, working together in order to keep your famaliy unit going. I really feel for you, and hope he soon realises that he must be a responsible, caring, father and partner. That's his role now

Yes to all of this. I don’t say this to rub salt in the wound. You need a partner who does the dishes because the dishes need doing - and not just to “give you a hand”, he lives there too.
If he wants to do fuck all around the house, invoice him for childcare, cooking and cleaning costs - because if that’s “your job” then you should be paid accordingly.
Not having an equal partner breeds resentment and bitterness between the 2 of you and it festers.

Your partner is behaving rather immature. You should be working together as a team. Having a young baby is exhausting, and finding time to fit in chores is damn hard. Yes, your partner works full-time, most men do. However, at this stage, you need extra support and that means washing-up, making a meal, laundry etc. Babies cry, and it's frustrating, but considering he's at work all day, he should be able to deal with an unhappy baby for short periods of time. The fact he can't see you need help and are struggling, is ludicrous! He's a grown adult, not 15, common sense should tell him if the house is a mess, there's no food ready, the baby is crying, you're frazzled, that you are not coping. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him, and explain how you feel. My husband was amazing after our son was born, I struggled a lot and he went above and beyond to help - and he worked full-time too! That's how it should be.