Terrible men

[HelenInHeels]

I can't believe there are so many dreadful men around that I keep reading about that women have dated, married, lived with ... When do they show their true colours? Honestly, I've met a few myself and I'd rather go out with Mr Napkin Head.

Mr Napkin head 😁

I've been single for 6 years. If I didn't want children I'd happily never speak to one again

In general, people tend to show their true colours pretty early on. You have to know what to look for and be prepared to walk away.

I can!!

@HelenInHeels unfortunately you do see the worst flagged on mumsnet as people are having tough times and need advice/help.

I think they often do show red flags but depending on your background (and self esteem), sometimes you ignore these and then you're stuck.

I had low self esteem due to family loss, was an educated professional none the less, with lots of friends. Walked into an abusive relationship when said man absolutely doted on me so I ignored the elements of anger he showed early on. Obviously got worse but I was lucky enough to get out years later.

I have friends with much better self esteem levels and family support, who I doubt would have stuck in there/walked earlier

That's very true. Problem is many women have been raised to have poor boundaries by neglectful/abusive/intrusive parents and fail to see the red flags. Also I hadn't even heard of a red flag when I was young let alone known how to spot one. I fell for many - lovebombing, sob story of sad childhood, overly focused on mates and hobbies, workaholic, switching between being lovely and horrid.

I wouldn't be sucked in now but you only know what you know!

It’s not that there are loads of bad men, it’s just that some women with crappy childhoods tend to attract them and then break up with them so they circulate a bit. If you’re well into adulthood and haven’t dated an abusive man you probably won’t. Abusers know how to pick their victims.

Yep, I didn't see red flags. Like others say I didn't understand them or boundaries and when they got cross with me for whatever thought it was because I'd not known how to behave properly, just like my parents used to tell me. They were very strict.

If you believe that you're attracting the wrong kind of man then I suggest you have some guidance on how to be aware of your subconscious mind because it is that, that is directing your choices.
The subconscious mind is the programmed and conditioned part of you that was inflicted upon you when you were a child and was also created by you in order to survive childhood.

I'm sorry to hear your parents were strict.

Signs to look out for:

Rude to people
Has a crazy ex, problem with women
Selfish
Has a temper
Doesn't take responsibility
Can't apologise
Doesn't listen
Late/flaky
Sexist
Has no empathy
Lazy
Tight

I'm sure others have more but the trick is to run at the first sign of trouble. I learnt the hard way that you can't make people change.

I believe that the way we socialise girls vs boys means that often red flag behavior is there, it's just not recognised by the woman. Or, possibly worse, it IS recognised but when she talks to friends/family they tell her that she should "give him a chance" or "she's too picky". Or both happen simultaneously.

Women are also also expected to be responsible for the relationship and the emotions involved - if a man gets upset, her first instinct is, too often, to think about what she did wrong or how she can manage it better, rather than saying, "No, that's not ok." DH often talks about how apparently he got a bit snippy with me once, early in our relationship, because I was chatting away to a (single) man, who I'd greeted enthusiasticalyl with a big hug and a kiss as I hadn't seen him for a while. I don't even remember this event really but apparently I told him he was being ridiculous and if he had an issue with me chatting to an old friend that was on him! He said it really made him stop and think and he ackowledges that he behaved similarly stupidly with his previous girlfriends but that they accepted it and so he never had to stop and consider whether his behaviour was a problem (which it was!).

When SIL has huge panic attacks because her ex threatens suicide and it makes her accept all sorts of shit, it's interesting to me because my mother (who had some narcissistic tendencies) once threatened suicide when I was a teenager and I remember turning around and spitting at her that if she wants to do that, that's on her, I'm not going to be manipulated. Even as a teenager I instinctively knew that wasn't on.... but as we know from MN (and from my SIL in real life) it's a common common control tactic and women unfortunately get sucked in a lot because we feel responsible.

I'd add :

Relationships with parents/mothers - sometimes justified, but when they despise their mothers, that's a flag
If they snap at you/swear at you

My ex used to say he's just being a man, and that's what men did (swear/be argumentative). It really isn't.

I'd say there's a difference between swearing normally and swearing abusively/angrily at your partner.

Swearing doesn't bother me but name calling does.