Should I send my mum a Christmas card?

[Spaghetti127]

Sorry this is so long but I'm really stuck with what to do. I've had a challenging relationship with my mum for years but this year things got to a point where I decided to go no contact.

It was her birthday in March and I'd sent her some flowers, I rang her that day and she didn't mention them so asked if they'd been delivered. She said yes and asked if I'd ment to send her those ones as she didn't like the colour and surely I knew that, no other comments, no thank you from her. This is classic mum behaviour. Anyway, got through the call and thought I needed some time away but would have probably called her again in 6 weeks or so (we don't live in the same city).

Instead, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy a month later, nearly died, massive blood loss, tube removed. Not my first pregnancy loss and she knew this. I was an emotional state so text her to say what had happened because I thought If I'd rang I wouldn't have been able to get the words out for crying.
She replied by text so say sorry and she hoped I'd feel better soon. She checked in by text again about 2 weeks later and that was it, no call, no visit (2 hours by train), no flowers or get well soon card. If my son so much as had his tonsils out as an adult I'd probably still be there with soup.
When she text me again about 6 weeks later I didn't reply at first, then followed up with another text a week later and I said I was hurt by her response and needed space. I've never said anything like that to her before.

Since then she sent me a card, (I think prompted by my sister, though she's mostly staying out of it) saying she hopes I'm doing well and could I send her some photos of my son as she has no new ones. She's met my son about 4 times since he was born, he's 3 now. I thought it was nice, so printed some pictures off, but before I sent them it was his 3rd birthday which she missed. I just thought why am I sending photos of him to someone who doesn't care to send a 3 year old a birthday card?

So now it's coming up to Christmas and I don't know what to do. Do I send her a card? Do I continue no contact until she apologises? Or just continue no contact? I don't think it's likely she'll send me one. I feel like it I don't send one it says something big about our relationship? I keep going back and forth, it would be great to get people's thoughts.

I’d stop flogging this particular dead horse and draw a line. Go properly NC. She’s not going to change op.

Have a look at this thread, including the first post, and you will find people in similar situations.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5178966-october-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

My dad could be the same way at times. I decided to meet him halfway and accept the sort of relationship he wanted to offer. You can't really change people but you can appreciate the good parts and lower your expectations.

I now speak to him maybe every 3 months and it's a very surface level chat, the sort of conversation you'd have with someone waiting at the bus stop. Is it the relationship I wanted? No. But I personally couldn't live with never seeing him again. He is getting older and I've had some unexpected losses this year that really put things in perspective.

I would continue with NC. There is a pattern where your relationship improves for a very short time but then her old patterns of upsetting behaviour towards you and your child return, and you feel upset all over again. Don't put yourself through this again.

I'm very sorry for your losses, and for your difficult relationship with your mother.
I agree the stately homes threads are good, and the out of the fog forum
My thoughts, for what they are worth, are that unless she is very dangerous for you, then low contact is less confrontational and leaves room, potentially, for a way back. Once you are fully NC, bridges are burnt, and ime it had a knock on effect for the whole family.
I would, in your shoes, send a bog standard card I think. Jokes in out of the fog refer to the words in the card saying 'I hope you have the Christmas you deserve' . But seriously nothing like to the best mum ever, have a great Christmas. Just a bland one.
As pp above, maintain a low level connection, and remain grey rock. Don't expect anything, don't offer anything.
There's still the opportunity to be fully NC but that's really best used for the controlling sorts who won't leave you alone, rather than the absent type like yours.
I do feel your pain, and I hope you can find a way to navigate this with the least detriment to you.

Thank you for the link, I'd never heard of the Stately homes thread before, it looks really useful

Thank you for sharing this.

I find there's so much grief in that kind of relationship, like people at a bus stop, I end up mourning what I think a normal relationship should be.

But you've raised a really good point. If something happened to her how would I feel. Would it be better to have had that surface relationship? I really don't know but it's something I need to focus on.

Thank you for your kind post.
I've just been looking at the out of the fog forum and as sad as it is, it's good to have people who understand.

I think I'll go with the card, but as you say very plain.

I'm not sure what I'd do after that but I guess that's something to get my head around at a later point