Feel really sad after dates

[Sunnydaze22]

Im feel really sad after a series of dates and honestly don't know what to do.

I met someone a few months ago and we got on well. Chatted on and off and eventually went on a date. It went really well, chatted for 6 hours and had a great time. Arranged to meet up again pretty much straight away and messaged non stop for weeks.

Second date went well, and she asked me out straight away. Continued chatting and again great, some communication over flirting - both said we wanted to kiss and she said their was sexual chemistry there.

Third date. Started well, but felt a bit more awkward than previous. Talked about her ex a lot, and first kiss was also awkward. We did kiss again and was much better.

She then said that we are very different and there isn't a spark for her.

Since then she has messaged saying how much she thinks of me, and wants to stay friends. I am more than happy with with this as I just like her company and loved chatting and getting to know her over the last few weeks. I agree that no problem in not dating but just meeting as friends would be great.

The next day she felt a bit cold towards me. She said she wants to be friends but it really felt off. I honestly don't know what to do as i have really bonded with her and feel like I've sort of lost what we had.

I think the best thing you can do is cut her off.

You’re not dating to find friends. The hot and cold behaviour is a red flag and it sounds like you’re emotionally invested in this after only three dates. She already has the power to make you feel sad and confused, this is not a good person to have in your life.

I wouldn’t give her another thought. Direct your energies into finding someone who is enthusiastic about dating you.

Stop trying to friends, it's often said out of politeness but they don't actually mean it.

I would normally agree. But it's her that keeps pushing that friends thing. I did say look I'll just leave it be and she said she didn't want that.

This is the reality of dating tbh

Also people are often dating multiple people, the majority of chats and dates etc aren’t going to lead anywhere.

Whilst she does sound very hot and cold, you’re coming over very intense after only 3 dates - it’s possible she’s picked up on this.

Talking about an ex on a date is never a good sign either.

Why is what she wants more important than what you want?

Exactly. You barely know her, OP. She doesn’t get to pressure you into a friendship you don’t want because she feels guilty she dumped you as a romantic prospect.

I want to be friends. I am happy to chat and meet up as that. We have spoke every day for 4 months which is why I feel a bit sad that I have lost that.

Four months speaking every day but only three actual dates, the third of which involved discovering there was no spark? Honestly, OP, your takeaway from this should be not to chat for months with someone you’ve never met — it’s a complete waste of two people’s time when you then discover there’s no attraction.

Maybe she's realised that she isn't ready for another relationship at the moment.

Well you don’t want to be friends with someone who blows hot and cold, so she can’t have what she wants. Tough luck if she doesn’t like it, she should have treated you better

"I'd rather be friends' is most often a polite way of letting someone down. It means 'i'd be happy to have a chat if we cross paths' rather than I'd like us to really make an effort to stay in touch as I feel we've made an unusually close connection as pals. That does happen, I've got a small number of good male friends met through dating, but there's not usually awkwardness or an announcement. I'd mentally let her go from your end. No need to block. If she makes the effort or suggests a drink as friends, no harm in seeing how it goes but I would leave it from here.

Thanks that's some really good advice

So an update - signed up to a dating site and she came up straight away. Some photos on it were from the last week when she was telling me she wanted to try with me.

Those that said she's a red flag, you are right. Dunno why people can't just be honest.

The best advice I can give to anyone dating is not to waste so much time just talking.

Meet up within the first week (ideally within a few days), then once a week after that. If it's getting to two weeks and they've not made time to see you again, they're just not that interested in the vast majority of cases. Doesn't matter how much they're texting - a text requires bare minimum effort.

Also don't let anyone put you on the back burner of 'let's be friends' OP

But she may well have wanted to ‘try with you’, while also exploring other options in case, as happened, she felt no spark on your date. If she’d decided you were exclusive over a four-month period of chatting, it would have been a complete waste of two people’s time.

Well you both went weeks between dates and hadn't agreed exclusivity. Respectfully, would you have been expecting her not to meet or speak to others? In future, I would suggest meeting quickly and not building up any expectations between, keep the pace up of actually meeting.

Leave it where it is and don't respond when she is blowing hot and cold ... don't be an option .
Say leave it here and mean it she is showing you who she is.

Just let it go.
It was three dates.
She didn't owe you anything.
Stop looking at her profile.
Move on.