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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps saying I am bullying him. Am I?

13 replies

ilikeallforests · 08/12/2024 22:33

I'd really appreciate some honest opinions on this please.

We are not married but we've been together nearly 20 years and have 2 teens.

In the past few years I've struggled with my health, needing a surgery which the NHS keep putting off because it may not last, chronic pain which is currently ok but the fear of it coming back, sex is difficult for me due to said condition so it's much reduced from what it used to be, but we do it sometimes when I can deal with the flare up it causes, and do non PIV things at least weekly, so I wouldn't say we are 'sexless'. At first this was difficult for him and he didn't understand and went in a huff often which really wounded me and the relationship was in jeopardy, but then something seemed to click with him and he is much more understanding now, as long as we are still intimate, which I also want. Although maybe he is just not saying how he really feels, I guess I couldn't know.

Also due to first raising DC and then my health, my earning power is much less than his, and I have went back to part time, although I've retrained in something not as physically demanding work so in future I can hopefully do full time. I try to make up for this by doing everything at home.

He never makes me feel bad about any of this (apart from at the very start of reduced sex life), that's not the problem.

The problem is, that I see myself as lacking as a partner. We've been together pretty much our whole adult lives, and I've always lacked confidence, but now it's ten times worse. Especially when I am hormonal or have a lot going on, I feel not good enough and like he would be happier with someone else. It's depressing and sometimes I think to myself it's inevitable he will leave so as self protection I withdraw.

Sometimes I try to avoid these feelings by withdrawing from him, for eg I will visit family rather than be here on his day off, because I just feel a disappointment. Our teen DS can do sports with him when I can't and I'd just stand around at the sides anyway. Also DP might ask for sex which causes me days of pain. I really try, but at times I get depressed and will say things to him like I don't feel good enough.

He says this is me bullying him and weaponising my health against him.

I don't agree, to me, it's just stating how I genuinely feel.

It doesn't help that he works 60 hour weeks in a demanding job, and that takes precedence, so nothing ever gets discussed or resolved. I don't feel heard.

Is he correct that I am bullying him?

OP posts:
AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 08/12/2024 22:36

Ugh no you are not bullying him. What a nasty person he is.

I'm sorry about your health issues. 💐

jinglemybells85 · 08/12/2024 23:01

You ate not bullying him but @AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras why is he a nasty person?

Bluebellyhedge · 08/12/2024 23:04

Not bullying. You sound like there are other issues but o wouldn't describe them as bullying.

Tiswa · 08/12/2024 23:06

You sound like you need to have some counselling as your relationship on both sides sounds toxic - you are having sex you don’t want and he says you are using it as a weapon and doesn’t properly understand or respect your health issues which is nastu

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 08/12/2024 23:17

jinglemybells85 · 08/12/2024 23:01

You ate not bullying him but @AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras why is he a nasty person?

Because it's nasty to claim that OP, for whom sex causes days of pain, is bullying and weaponising her health against him. That's seriously messed up.

Original poster
ilikeallforests · 08/12/2024 23:31

It's difficult to explain, it's not sex I don't want. I do want to, it's that it's overshadowed by the consideration that I will have days of pain and anxiety afterwards and having to take antibiotic (my condition means I am prone to UTI). After a shaky start since he couldn't seem to understand that I can't just do it like we used to, he seems to have accepted it now. I think it's more my anxiety of that if it's been x amount of time since the last time, if the teens are out, he might ask, and I feel like such a disappointment saying no yet again, if that makes sense? So I avoid being alone with him, and I think this is making him feel rejected.

I fight my physical and mental health every day, which he doesn't see, and he is working such long hours, that we can never just talk, or resolve any issues between us.

It might sound weird, but we had a period of a year where he was made redundant and I was part time due to my health, and we were so poor financially then, living on savings and relying on family, but we got on so much better, because we had time to go on long walks together, and unravel things. Also, before my health issues, even if both busy, we used to 'make up' a lot with sex, but now that's difficult. It just seems like we are growing apart.

There's no way he'd consider counselling.

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 08/12/2024 23:39

I think whether it's bullying or not is almost a red herring. The point is he's communicating to you that he's unhappy and feels distant from you so I'd focus on that rather than whether or not it fits the definition of bullying.

It sounds like you'd benefit from counselling for your self esteem. I suspect you'll struggle to bridge the gap until you can understand why you have these feelings and why you're leaning away from your partner than towards when things are difficult.

Tiswa · 08/12/2024 23:42

For you OP I think you could do with some counselling

Original poster
ilikeallforests · 09/12/2024 00:18

I'm already in individual counselling in various forms for 11 years now.

I understand why I am the way I am, I just cannot seem to 'fix' it. Realistically though, I have changed, I am not a great partner, sex wise, or financially, and now our children are moving towards independence, I keep thinking, why would he stay with me?

Doesn't help that he won't communicate and he sees my issues as 'bullying'. The more he says that, the more I think it's hopeless and pointless.

I'm just not sure who is right or wrong, or if it even matters anymore. It's good to know that others do not think I am a bully though.

The kids know something is up.

OP posts:
Katej82 · 09/12/2024 00:41

ilikeallforests · 08/12/2024 22:33

I'd really appreciate some honest opinions on this please.

We are not married but we've been together nearly 20 years and have 2 teens.

In the past few years I've struggled with my health, needing a surgery which the NHS keep putting off because it may not last, chronic pain which is currently ok but the fear of it coming back, sex is difficult for me due to said condition so it's much reduced from what it used to be, but we do it sometimes when I can deal with the flare up it causes, and do non PIV things at least weekly, so I wouldn't say we are 'sexless'. At first this was difficult for him and he didn't understand and went in a huff often which really wounded me and the relationship was in jeopardy, but then something seemed to click with him and he is much more understanding now, as long as we are still intimate, which I also want. Although maybe he is just not saying how he really feels, I guess I couldn't know.

Also due to first raising DC and then my health, my earning power is much less than his, and I have went back to part time, although I've retrained in something not as physically demanding work so in future I can hopefully do full time. I try to make up for this by doing everything at home.

He never makes me feel bad about any of this (apart from at the very start of reduced sex life), that's not the problem.

The problem is, that I see myself as lacking as a partner. We've been together pretty much our whole adult lives, and I've always lacked confidence, but now it's ten times worse. Especially when I am hormonal or have a lot going on, I feel not good enough and like he would be happier with someone else. It's depressing and sometimes I think to myself it's inevitable he will leave so as self protection I withdraw.

Sometimes I try to avoid these feelings by withdrawing from him, for eg I will visit family rather than be here on his day off, because I just feel a disappointment. Our teen DS can do sports with him when I can't and I'd just stand around at the sides anyway. Also DP might ask for sex which causes me days of pain. I really try, but at times I get depressed and will say things to him like I don't feel good enough.

He says this is me bullying him and weaponising my health against him.

I don't agree, to me, it's just stating how I genuinely feel.

It doesn't help that he works 60 hour weeks in a demanding job, and that takes precedence, so nothing ever gets discussed or resolved. I don't feel heard.

Is he correct that I am bullying him?

No I don't think you are bullying him at all, in fact it's nonsense. If anything I'd say he's the one bullying pressuring etc. Instead of trying to have intercourse and go through days of pain there are other things you can do for/ with him you get my drift, I know it's not the same but an idea. My brother has a serious injury leading to spinal nerve damage which has affected his personal relationship pain and frustration etc sleep issues it all creates a difficult dynamic. I believe my brother and his wife sought the help of a sex therapist who specialised in people with medical conditions. Have you discussed seeing a therapist/ sex therapist? Hope your ok op.

IdylicDay · 09/12/2024 00:58

ilikeallforests · 08/12/2024 23:31

It's difficult to explain, it's not sex I don't want. I do want to, it's that it's overshadowed by the consideration that I will have days of pain and anxiety afterwards and having to take antibiotic (my condition means I am prone to UTI). After a shaky start since he couldn't seem to understand that I can't just do it like we used to, he seems to have accepted it now. I think it's more my anxiety of that if it's been x amount of time since the last time, if the teens are out, he might ask, and I feel like such a disappointment saying no yet again, if that makes sense? So I avoid being alone with him, and I think this is making him feel rejected.

I fight my physical and mental health every day, which he doesn't see, and he is working such long hours, that we can never just talk, or resolve any issues between us.

It might sound weird, but we had a period of a year where he was made redundant and I was part time due to my health, and we were so poor financially then, living on savings and relying on family, but we got on so much better, because we had time to go on long walks together, and unravel things. Also, before my health issues, even if both busy, we used to 'make up' a lot with sex, but now that's difficult. It just seems like we are growing apart.

There's no way he'd consider counselling.

So after 20 years he doesn't love you enough to marry you and you haven't thought to have the self respect to demand it and if he leaves you basically you are financially fucked because you don't have the legal security or protection of marriage. Why haven't you said marry me or our relationship is over? Why haven't you prioritised your and your child's stability and security? 20 years and no marriage is really sad. He could could leave you (as many men leave sick partners) and you are absolutely fucked financially and security wise.

Itiswhysofew · 09/12/2024 01:33

That's not bullying. He needs to actually listen to you. Your health is suffering and all he can think of is his own gratification.

Tell him he needs to be realistic about how things are now and be more supportive instead of expecting something from you that you can't manage.

AngelicKaty · 09/12/2024 02:41

So telling him how you feel about yourself and the state of your health is bullying? Absolute BS. If anyone is being a bully it's him - over sex - and to such an extent that you avoid being home alone with him.

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