Don’t know how to get rid of feeling anxious and depressed

[Anxious2024]

I’ve been divorced from someone who was emotionally abusive for 6.5 years, and in that time have mainly worked. I have dc who are all now adults.

Exh is my only relationship - and since he moved out there has been no one, aside for some platonic dates with someone in 2020 just before the pandemic started.

In any case I am shy and feel like I might be needy and insecure due to being generally lonely I suppose so not sure that I am relationship material. I have a couple of people I occasionally meet up with, a parent, sibling and Aunt who live far away and whom I see sometimes, and my dc.

The rest of my time is all about work - and it is normally fine - except when I meet someone I find attractive - at which point I guess all the issues which I bury come to the fore and it is always painful.

What has happened recently is that the house we live in needs a lot of maintenance and attention which I don’t have the money or energy to deal with - and we also have an issue with clutter. We have had a rodent infestation which was very distressing and the fridge has not been working for weeks (soon to be replaced).

It is as if all the fantasies which normally keep me going have come crashing down and the reality is that I am on my own, and have no idea what I will do when my dc move out.

There is a colleague with a lovely smile and it is a long time since anyone has smiled at me like that - but what it has done is brought all this pain to the surface - a kind of grief because my relationship with my exh was really bad for years - and the reality is that I may never meet anyone.

Rationally I know that attractions are fantasies or projections, but it has made me feel anxious and sad with an anxious pain in my stomach.

I am trying not to numb the pain in the ways that I usually do (endless series watching / Instagram - empty stuff like that) - but that has made it worse.

I am wondering what the point of me is, but my dc, sister and Dad would be upset if I wasn’t here so there is that to hold on to.

Work has been very busy and I am arriving very early and not sleeping much - last week I cried at work three times. I have been feeling kind of unstable or not regulated.

I have contacted some counsellors and will try and make an appointment with one of them - I hope this helps but I wanted to ask other people how you might have felt better after feeling anxious and down. Or what you might have done to feel better which worked.

My youngest dc did not finish school due to health issues which have got better but not completely - however since last academic year they have done very little and this is also a worry (though they meet up with friends which I am glad about).

I feel that I have been battling with things on my own for years and that I can’t do it any more.

Hi there.
You sound so down and fed up - I’m so sorry. Things will get better, honestly, but it does take time.
Can you ask your children or sister, or your Dad to help you with the house? Seeing a counsellor will definitely help, as will your Doctor I hope.

I did all of the above, when in a similar position of feeling down and anxious (although I was married, and got a little bit of help from the husband). Antidepressants helped a bit too, and I spent a lot of time reading, and walking in the countryside. And writing my thoughts down.
I also got addicted to puzzles (sudoku, etc!), watching quiz shows, learning random things like all the Capitals of countries, etc.
Also, joining clubs - like the WI - going on courses (writing) and singles holidays.

I listened to music a lot, and got really into Leonard Cohen. He is (was) brilliant, and just listening to the wise words of his songs helped me massively.
Clutter! It’s horrid - I had loads. Only thing to do is be ruthless!! (Sorry, not much help!)
Keep going. You will come out the other side.
All the best x

Sorry to hear this OP. I’m no doctor but it sounds like you might be depressed maybe. Please please see a counsellor, it’ll take time but will make all the difference.

Thank you for your kind messages.

What do you think was at the root of your feeling down @FarFarFarAwayOneDay (if you don’t mind saying)?

What do you think helped the most or was it a combination of things?

I've had a lot of ups and downs and a fair bit of trauma and honestly the most helpful thing has been finding a good counsellor. Some more recent stuff I don't think I would have handled half as well had I not already been in therapy. Don't compromise, find someone you really connect with because most of the deeper work will happen within that relationship and it needs to be strong enough to remain stable when you aren't.

Thank you @Balloonhearts - yes I have emailed three and will see what comes of that - they don’t all have a free consultation but I guess I could make it clear to the others that I want to see how it goes.

My Aunt was saying I should try EMDR but I am not sure it that isn’t for very specific events?

Quite embarrassing that an unknowing colleague has in part been a catalyst for this, but it could have been anyone and I guess it is good if I try to deal with this - how I feel generally.

Op I've had these feelings. The pain in your stomach. That got me. It's the worst feeling and is deep depression and anxiety. For me it was loneliness and only stopped when I met someone - around 6 years- I had tried several counsellors and the only one who worked was an NHS one. You just need for click and I was lucky.

For you right now here what I suggest

1. Have a shower everyday and do your hair however but make sure it's styled. Put on body cream too. Make up of you wear it. Buy a small new treat. I usually buy supermarket things but intending some kerastase hair oil.

1. Clean clothes - declutter and put all your clothes away and have some nice things to wear

1. Spend time in nature - 20 minutes out side per day like it's on prescription!

1. Exercise - build up to 30 minutes of movement every of that is some stretches or a you tube video at home there are millions of. A walk if you like that - I hate it- I've started swimming at age 44 and I'm so glad I have that skill now. I know after 40'lengths I feel better but I'm not suggesting that.

5 Declutter - 10 items from each rooms each day! Go round with a bag.

1. Do something around other people. For me it was slimming world. Just being surrounded by other totally uninvested people helped. I heard there are 2 types of socialising one with friends and the other just being anonymous around other people with a purpose.

You need to sort the mice out but you know that.

I's also recommend some antidepressants.

Hello, I relate to every word you have written so thank you for being braver than I am and sharing.

You have had some good advice already but I wanted to say that when I went through this a few years ago, counselling helped me. The counsellor also introduced me to mindfulness, which helped more than I could imagine (I was a sceptic!). The grounding in the moment and the self-compassion it instills were what was needed. The counsellor also helped me release a lot of pent-up, repressed emotion from past experiences.

That was around five years ago and I am finding those negative thoughts patterns are now returning, which is a sign I also need to do something to help myself. So your post has inspired me, thank you.

Sorry for late reply - I’ve been out all day.

I think the root of my problems was being stuck in a second failing marriage. It is so disheartening, and I too was (am) disappointed by not having the life I thought I would have. I do have children, but the youngest is about to leave home. Also, when I gave up work I had more time to think about my past and childhood, and lots of things came to the fore that I had been burying.

The most useful thing was probably the counselling. It taught me self-belief and gave me confidence to keep facing the world. Writing the diary was therapeutic too, as was having a daily routine, making sure I got up, took exercise, and kept my mind busy. I try to look to the future and plan holidays. They may not happen, but on the other hand, they might! xx

I feel very similar to you OP. I have found mindfulness and CBT have helped in the past. I find it hard to keep going too and wish I didn't exist. Thank you for starting this thread as it's given me suggestions for what might help. Off to dust off my mindfulness book. Search Jon Kabat Zinn for some excellent mindfulness books and YouTube resources.

Thanks so much for all your replies.

I have a free phone consultation with a counsellor this afternoon so will see how that goes.

I am really sorry you feel like this too @MsGoodenough 😞, it isn’t easy.

@FarFarFarAwayOneDay - planning possible holidays is a good idea - and your other suggestions. I agree that life not being how in some way you (general you) thought it was going to be is not easy. Kids becoming independent is also a big milestone.

Thanks so much for your lovely list @helpmyback - I will definitely be doing some or all of those things.

@Clarabella77 thanks also for your kind message. I hope you feel better soon.

I feel a bit better in that I realised that the current person I was thinking about is just another person - and I can feel myself becoming self-contained again - but everything that I was thinking over the past few days and that was so painful is worth exploring because I don’t want to be in this kind of place mentally.

I also don’t want to live off fantasies any more - in a general sense. I day dream a lot.

Lord knows what would happen if I actually met someone to have an actual relationship with - I can’t imagine how much anxiety that would unleash.