How can I rewrite abusive past

[Melanie1986]

Im not sure why I’m writing this post really but I guess it’s because I feel kind of broken, I feel like I need some sort of help but not sure if counselling would work for me?

Im so bad at seeing what’s real love and what’s not, how do you see the signs? I find myself in a relationship now where I’m sure my partner loves me, but I don’t think it’s healthy and I’m so upset with myself for not seeing it in the beginning. It started off amazingly, gave me all the attention and care I could need, cooked for me, made me feel great about myself. This then took a turn when he was drunk, he got drunk most weeks and it ended in punched walls, threats, I’ve been spat at, pushed, threatened, called a skank, retard etc. Used my past against me when I’ve told him what I went though growing up. I did try to leave when the police were called but I went back because I felt I had no choice and now I feel numb. I’m a cold person and don’t recognise myself,,I feel I’ve shut down. He’s changed so much, stopped drinking, cooks again, does housework, he’s stopped going out, but as he says, nothing he does is good enough for me because I don’t feel happy anymore.

I think it’s because I thought I was clever enough to see the signs but I didn’t and I’m here again, I’ve wasted my life and let myself and my family down.

My mum was an alcoholic and I was hit by my stepdad growing up, I woke up one night when I was 12 to my mum stood at the bottom of my bed caked in blood, she’d been battered and slashed across her face, she’d been unconscious for hours. He went to jail. 2 years later when he got out she got back with him and moved away then drank herself to death. My brothers been to jail for dv against his partner.

I said I’d never end up in these situations and here I am. My first partner self harmed everytime i wanted to leave the relationship when I tried to leave. The second was emotionally abusive.

I guess what I wanted to ask was, will I always be so blind to the signs because of my past and what I was brought up around and because I’m so ‘damaged’, how can I see the signs and not keep ending up in this situation? I just want to be happy.

You’ve recognised there’s a pattern, and the childhood trauma that caused it, which is a really good starting point.

Theres nothing to lose by trying counselling- if you don’t like it, you don’t have to go back. And if you don’t like it or it doesn’t help you, you haven’t lost anything.

It might also be worth looking for a course to help you better understand the signs of domestic abuse and the dynamics around them. I don’t know what they’re called/who does them but I did one in my teens at a women’s centre after I left an abusive relationship and it was really helpful. A charity like Women’s Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline might be able to help you find one.

Good luck and don’t be hard on yourself - your childhood provides your blueprint for relationships as an adult and you didn’t have a choice in what you saw or learnt.

Thank you so much for the reply.

Yes this is true that it wasn’t my fault, but I honestly didn’t see any red flags in my current relationship, as feel I’ve let myself down.

Once I’d moved in with him, about a year in, got settled and thought that was me for life, it all changed and he turned on me. I do believe people deserve second chances and he’s made so much effort to change but I don’t think I can ever trust him fully now I know that he can turn on me at any point.

I’ll look into the courses, thank you.

I’ve been to my gp and they referred me for bereavement counselling for my mums death even though that was a long time ago. I don’t think that’s what I need. Does anyone know where I’d need to go for general counselling where I can talk about everything affecting me, not just one particular thing? Would I need to go private for that? Thanks in advance x

If you can afford it I would personally from having suffered an abusive childhood and severely abusive marriage psychotherapy rather than counselling. Ideally with a speciality in attachment. There are some psychotherapist who offer a limited number of low fee sessions and there are organisations out there that can offer free sessions. I am now in a much better place than I had previously been.

I also completed a healthy relationships course to look at the effect of the abuse and to recognise that I didn’t know any better back then- I was only using what I had known and I needed yp
stop feeling guilty.

its also okay to end a relationship for ANY reason. He still sounds emotionally manipulative- look at all this I’ve done for you and you still aren’t happy- he isn’t taking responsibility for his actions and the lasting impact it has had on you. Of course you don’t feel safe- he has proven he isn’t safe to be around and on some level you know he is still being abusive.

Don't try to rewrite your past. Learn from it.

It's not about seeing signs.

Its about how any given situation makes you feel. If you feel anything other than safe, secure and happy then it's not the right situation for you and the best thing you can do is distance yourself from it.

(I'm specifically using the word 'situation' as horrid pasts don't just affect romantic connections)

Thanks for much - I’ll look into the things you’ve suggested, psychotherapy I’ve never heard of but would be willing to give that a go, sounds more intense than counselling.

And yes true, I don’t feel happy. He’s changed the calling me a retard to saying ‘I act like one’ as though that’s much better. And he lost his temper 2 weeks ago and swung a pillow so it smacked me in the face but because it was obviously a pillow it sounds silly me saying it hurt, ‘it was only a pillow though’ but still very much walking on eggshells and get told to shut up regularly. So although things have improved a lot and he’s making a lot of effort it’s still far from me safe.

So he’s still abusive then. He may be controlling himself better when he doesn’t drink, but his underlying impulse is to belittle and abuse you. When he’s sober he’s better at treading the line of what you’ll tolerate. That’s all.

The Freedom Programme, the book by Lindy Bancroft, why does he do that?… these will help you work out what healthy relationships look like.

Are you able to get out? Women’s Aid may be able to help with advice and support. Don’t tell him. Gather your support and your resources, make a plan, before he gets wind of what you are up to.

Please understand - you can't change him.

You can let him know when he does this, that and the other it hurts or upsets you. Then it's out of your hands. He can say words that sound like he's sorry and won't do it again/will change but if he carries on then nothing's changed and he's still abusive.

In that scenario, the only way to stop it happening again, is to leave.

You don't need any further evidence than how his behaviour makes you feel to leave. You don't even have to tell him the real reasons (because he probably won't care or would get a sick kick out of knowing he's 'got to you'). Just tell him it's not working for you. And leave him.

Don't beat yourself up for not spotting the signs earlier - it's what you do now you've spotted them that matters.