No sex

[LucyL93]

I’ve been seeing someone for over 3 months.
he has slept over twice and couldn’t get hard but he didn’t say anything to explain it.
I invited him back the other day and he just ignored the offer and went to his own place.
more recently he spent the evening in my area and was supposed to stay over. As we were getting ready for bed he said he felt really ill and ended up leaving.
i had been planning on asking him what was wrong if he couldn’t perform a third time, but we haven't got close enough to it happening.
I’m at a loss, I’m not sure whether it’s nerves, he has a medical problem or he just isn’t into me.
it’s not like we even do other stuff when he hasn’t been able to get it up. We are early 30s.
he has made plans for me to meet his friends. I had really felt that he liked me but just wanted to take sex slow. That would have been okay if he had communicated that.
he is not communicating with me what the issue is. I’m feeling so rejected and the lack of communication and excuses he is making is starting to put me off him.

Having a conversation about erectile dysfunction is best done before bed. If you want to carry on seeing him I would bring up the issue and explore it.

If he's always had ED then you need to decide if that works for you. If it's because he's nervous, then you can both work on alleviating that. If he doesn't know why it's happening, then it could have any number of reasons and he should see his GP to investigate.

If he refuses to discuss it then that does not bode well for your relationship and I would end it.

I suppose my question is what should I do?
im also concerned that he is not seeing it from my point of view (that I may feel confused and insecure about this), which is a bit of a red flag.
however I’m yet to see a heterosexual relationship where the man is particularly considerate of the woman’s feelings…

I already answered your question:

If you want to carry on seeing him I would bring up the issue and explore it.

The beginning of a relationship is where you should be very wary of potential negative patterns of behaviour.

If he refuses to discuss it, refuses to do anything about it or ignores your feelings then move on.

Sorry our posts crossed over, I hadn’t seen it when I posted the second part.
Thanks for the response.

ED, low testosterone (if he uses steroids for the gym for example) and asexuality could be the problem here.
Or simply- because it didn’t work once, it’s happening every time and now he’s in his head and avoiding it.
you could either act like you’re not bothered and haven’t noticed the lack of action between the sheets- maybe helping him get over the first blip, or, be direct and ask him about it. Good luck

3 things I guess - first, you should expect men to be considerate of your feelings! And he doesn’t want or feel the need to please you on other ways?? These are not unusual things, you should expect them.
Then - if a man in his 30s wakes up in the morning with a woman he feels affectionate towards, and isn’t stiff as a poker - then he has a medical problem, it’s not just performance anxiety.
And lastly - he needs to be able to communicate about it ffs!
So what should you do? Think you should tell him he needs to address all the above for you to have any chance at all. Maybe the fact that he doesn’t seem to see this, means it’s not worth the bother.

Erectile Dysfunction is hardly ever about the woman. It's largely psychological and the cause resides within his own head. That's why it's so difficult to shake off once it starts. However, if it's happened a lot, it might be worth getting a blood test done as it can be a sign of other conditions.

ED is a massive deal for men. Especially with him being so young.

So the reactions men may have:

• not wanting to talk about it
• avoiding sexual situations
• avoiding sex
• avoiding their partner
• feeling very low and fragile

So no wonder he is avoiding you and avoiding staying over. It’s not the ideal mature reaction, but this is how many men might react.

I’ll be totally honest, if you’re in a new relationship and your sex life has gotten off to a bad start, it’s really difficult to come back from. And it doesn’t sound like you’re close enough to tackle this together - usually it’s established couples that overcome it together.

I think it’ll be tricky for you to continue a sexual relationship unless he chooses to open up to you and address the underlying causes. It’s not something you can fix for him.

And off topic but heterosexual relationships where men are considerate of a woman’s feelings very much exist 😊 It’s maybe rarer in your 20s when men are very sexually driven/ men want to sleep with young insecure women.

Generally as men get older, 30+, they tend to grow up, look back and go ‘god, I was a total dick when I was younger, women shouldn’t be treated like that’.

Not all men of course. But I’ve seen and heard this countless times.

If he has ED you need to stop making it about you. It will make it worse. It’s a huge deal for men, and if they get in their own head about it, then not even viagra will help.
This needs a conversation, and you also need to think how much you like this man. ED can absolutely be overcome, but it needs understanding and patience from the partner. But if you’re not all in, then you can’t help him

Personally, I'd end it.

I'm a man who has almost always suffered with periodic ED with a new partner. It's a nerves thing, I get in my own head and what I worry about inevitably happens.

It's embarrassing as hell, but I learnt by the age of 20 that best ways to deal with the situation was a.) be open about it when it happened and explain that it's down to nerves, and b.) make sure that my partner was already having a very good time before it became an issue.

There's a lot more to sex that just penetration, and while it's a lot of fun, there's also a lot of enjoyment to be had in causing someone else pleasure.

So as I said, I'd end it. Not necessarily due to the ED, but because he's not willing to work around it.

I had a boyfriend like this once years ago and in 6 months we never had sex and he never explained what was going on. It turned out to be anxiety related but I decided it just wasn't for me and we separated. Conversations about it might have helped.

The lack of communication and care for your feelings would be the biggest deal breaker for me. He needs to grow up and talk about his issues or accept he's not ready for a relationship. You could try raising the topical see if he's willing to engage, but currently he's being selfish, ED or no ED.

It's a very new relationship.
ED is quite a big issue.
If he can't communicate with you sensibly about it, it's probably not a great sign of things to come.
I would cut your losses or at least tone the relationship down. Keep yourself available to others who might be a better match for you.

It depends on what you went in a relationship. I would move on

If Otherwise the relationship is going well then bring it up and see if you can talk about it.

i hear what you’re saying about him not considering how it’s making you feel - but just to add in there that in my experience with men who aren’t very confident (well one in particular), they can sometimes be caught up in that and it might not occur to them that you’re feeling insecure or might start to think it’s something to do with you.

on the other hand it’s only been 3 months so it might all just be a bit too much angst at the stage when it’s meant to be easy and fun.

After three months you're scratching your head, questioning yourself, self esteem getting affected, self confidence getting affected. Do you really want a project? Because that's what it's looking like.

Thanks for all of the responses and advice.

I agree we need to discuss it. If we can’t, it will have to end. I want to have children at some point so no sex is going to be a deal breaker for me.

Is it concerning though that it’s his problem and yet I’m the one having to make effort address it? I want to support him. However I am a bit concerned that he is burying his head in the sand and avoiding the problem. I do begrudge how most men seem to want their female partner to take on the heavy lifting when it comes to being proactive in trying to solve problems. Am I overthinking this?

@LucyL93

"Is it concerning though that it’s his problem and yet I’m the one having to make effort address it? I want to support him. However I am a bit concerned that he is burying his head in the sand and avoiding the problem. I do begrudge how most men seem to want their female partner to take on the heavy lifting when it comes to being proactive in trying to solve problems. Am I overthinking this?"

This is precisely why you should end it.

Firstly, this absolutely is not about you, it’s about HIM.

As far as I can tell you’ve only actually tried to have sex once? And the other two times he’s made excuses not to stay over? If that’s the case then it’s very presumptuous to accuse him of not wanting to talk about it when it may well be just a one-off.

A man will rarely talk about ED, they will brush it under the carpet and hope it cures itself. If it’s first time nerves or due to excessive alco consumption then it is likely it will get better.

If it has happened to him before and/or you make it about you, that will only exasperate the situation and turn it into a psychological problem which can be really difficult to overcome.

If it’s a physical issue, which is less likely for a
man in his 30’s but becoming more common due to lifestyle choices, then he will need to get medical help. His GP will need to refer him to a urologist for a Doppler and other tests.

PDE5’s may work, but even they aren’t a sure fire guarantee of an erection if it’s psychological.

I found that taking PIV off the table and focussing on each others body really helped. Massages are great and a great way for both of you to feel relaxed. You can then introduce subtle touching and if he gets hard ( because he’s not nervous about sex ) then you know it’s not a physical issue.

Thanks for your message.
just to clarify, we’ve tried twice and it didn’t work.
since then he has avoided staying over

How much are you invested in this relationship after three months?

My points still stand.

What did you say when he couldn’t perform? Saying nothing and ignoring the issue isn’t the way to play this, you need to reassure him that it’s ok, and for him not to worry. He should then relax and feel more comfortable, at least if it’s psychological

No you're not overthinking it - you're 100% right.

I recently ended a very low sex relationship. There were a whole list of issues, but the lack of sex was a big one.

To me it wasn't so much the lack of physical sex, it was the fact that he's never open up and talk about it. He didn't seem to consider the impact on me and my self esteem. If he'd said "im really attracted to you but I suffer from xyz medical issue", I'd have been fully supportive. Instead I was left in the dark with no clue as to the reason and left wondering if he was even attracted to me.

I 100% agree that the man should proactively be bringing it up, reassuring, and explaining what he's willing to do to resolve. Not stick their head in the sand hoping the woman will bumble along not making a fuss for fear of embarrassing him.
It's not fair and actually very rude. I lasted 2.5 years but had extreme resentment towards the end (you might have picked up on that 😂)

however I’m yet to see a heterosexual relationship where the man is particularly considerate of the woman’s feelings

This is an argument in favour of keeping looking, they absolutely exist.

It is his problem and there is absolutely nothing that says it's up to you to find and facilitate a solution. In the contrary, if he can't dcdnvtslmcsbougvigcyovuoh, why would you want to continue your relationship. Throw this one overboard.