Cohabiting with kids - am I losing out?

[Beesus]

Hi, I wanted some advice, I’m cohabiting with my partner, we’ve been together 15 years and have two kids (10 and 8) and a lovely life, sort of. When we met we both had our own houses and jobs etc and were very pragmatic (we’re not romantics at all!) and bought a place together but everything is split 1/3 mine 2/3 his, as it represented our wages.
After my first kid I stayed full time but the usual happened and I ended up doing the majority of the childcare and house management etc and it all got too much so when we had our second I went part time. We’ve been trundling along nicely but recently I’ve suddenly twigged that I’ve maybe been a bit naive. His career has gone from strength to strength supported by me as I’m always there to care for and manage the kids, whereas Ive still been on the same wage or near enough for 15 years, 7 of that part time, as I’ve carved myself out a timetable which works with childcare and it’s not easy to move jobs when you have that. He’s generous, when I was part time he put extra money into my account to bring me up to full time wages, and he bought the car etc, and he’s put some chunks of money into the mortgage. But I’ve recently decided to go full time and it’s back to the 1/3 2/3 split and he must be on x 4 my wage now, and just got a bonus of more than my annual salary.
He argues that his career has also been hampered so I can’t compare mine to his (I.e he could’ve been on x 6 my salary if he’d taken a job he was offered years ago). And he says he’s generous in that he pays for the car, and puts extra money into the house, which is fair. But I’m just getting pissed off as however much work I do, a full time job then a pretty full time housewife on top of it whilst he works late, I’m never going to get a bonus and my pension isn’t going to reflect all the childcare and housework I do. But on the other hand I couldn’t afford the lifestyle we have right now without him.

Just wanting to gather thoughts from anyone in a similar situation?

If you split the only thing you would be entitled to would be your share of the house and any savings/pension in your name.

If he earns 4x you that’s how bills should be split

And if you both work FT housework/childcare should be split more evenly

I should also mention that he doesn’t want to get married - I didn’t either until I fully realised the consequences of not being!

Obvious why he doesn’t want to get married

Indeed! It’s making me really angry but because he bought the car and does contribute more than the 2/3 he doesn’t think it’s a problem. Just sort of reassuring to hear other people thinking the same as me. Thank you!

You're not married even though you have children, share assets and co-habit. That's a mistake OP, because you've denied yourself an equal share of everything built up over the last 15 years. If the relationship between you and your partner was to break down, the decision not to marry might affect negatively the financial futures of your children too.

The other stuff - well of course he's paying more into the house - it's mostly his. I wouldn't call that generous. Same goes for the car if he bought it and it's in his name - it's his car he's paying for.

If you're not happy with the setup/proportion of contributions then you have to have a serious conversation and come to some sort of agreement. I don't expect he will want to change anything though!

Get him to pay generously for gardening laundry and house cleaning and any extras.

Oh and rewrite the ownership of your family home so that it's equal.

thank you all, I think I knew all this, just wanted to know other people thought the same! I can’t talk about it with my friends or family as I think they’d just be horrified so I need to sort this one out myself.

I think you need to have a conversation about getting married or having a CP. I’d also jointly see a financial advisor. It sounds like you’d potentially have issues with IHT in the event of his death (unless you own the house as tenants in common and he’s bypassing you in favour of the kids).

Yes, the difference in income multiples should be reflected in contributions to outgoings.

I'd also present him with a bill for how much he would have had to contribute towards the pay of a cleaner and nanny had you also been at work full time.

I'm not able to give advice on anything else, we're married so I know I have all the legal protection I need.

I agree with all of the above.

And this bit "He argues that his career has also been hampered so I can’t compare mine to his" is at the heart of the problem. He's got a strong upper hand here and he's denying reality to maintain his advantage. Why not do your homework and present him with a restorative solution that makes things much fairer? If he refuses this, you need to start planning your exit and saving and planning for being single. He will shaft you, if you separate and absolutely wants to maintain this option. Not very nice, is it, quite apart from the fact that he doesn't pull his weight at all.

Sorry but I've never understood the whole "me not working / working part time has furthered his career" as It denigrates how hard he has worked / how good he is a his job. If you were that desperate to maintain a career you would have stayed working full time and used childcare like lots of parents do. You benefited in non financial ways by not having to work full time or be the main bill payer.

If you were never going to have a career that pays what his does you just sound a bit bitter and jealous that he has a bigger pension.

Sounds like you have a pretty cushy lifestyle...which he pays for largely so I'd let it go and enjoy the fact that you aren't the one having to work late

I'm sure with a big salary comes big stress and big responsibility

Yes this is massively unfair to you as you are essentially the families unpaid maid. The question is, what are you prepared to do about it?

When you asked him about the ‘fairness’ of the unpaid labour what did he say?

If you are essentially paying your own ways, then all Unpaid work should be 50:50. He needs to do 50% cooking, cleaning, and childcare. So he’ll only be able to work late 2 nights one week and 3 the following - I’m sure that won’t hamper his ability to earn money at all’

You need to start topping up your pension.

@Autumndayz77 Unpaid maid? OP’s partner is funding her lifestyle, I think she’s doing quite well.

It's not just about assets when you split up, even if you were married and got divorced, he would take the majority his income (and bonus ) with him, you'd get CMS while the DC qualify, but that's it. If he went in to live with someone else with DC he could reduce CMS, he could refuse to pay for any extras like school uniforms.

I'm assuming you have a fairly comfortable lifestyle now, what would you be able to afford on half (assuming it's owned 50/50) the equity in your home plus CMS and your own income? Funding childcare, holiday clubs etc.

You would probably get a decent share of his pension, but that won't help until you get to retirement age.

That's the kicker when you forfeit your own career and income for someone else. Anyone who thinks it couldn't possibly happen to them is just naive.

I honestly think it's outrageous that a man can blithely use a woman like that. It's not fair, no. I can't respect him; and it doesn't sound like he truly respects you. He should have married you when you were first expecting his child, not had this petty split of finances. He could not do his job and have the family life he currently enjoys without your domestic contributions (and your pay doesn't hurt either). He's having his cake and eating it. Can he look you in the eye and defend it?

Till he dies, or leaves her. She's not a prostitute, she's meant to be a partner for life.

Buying the car, was that a generous gift for you- a gorgeous sports car? Or was it a safe and practical car for you to drive around his 2 kids?
Of course he buys the car when he's on that salary.

Are you expected to pay 1/3 of all bills or just the mortgage?

I could imagine having kids and living with someone so long term who expects us to have such vastly different spending money. He must be left with loads after bills and you not. That's outrageous, even if he doesn't want to marry, I can't see why salary isn't seen as family money.

Who spends more on kids day to day? Please say there's a joint account you have access to?

Why is it a 1/3 2/3 split? Is that based on historic wages?

Are you still working around childcare? I'd cut that out and go to him with his 50% of childcare duties see if he still undervalues it then.

Let’s assume he is a decent man who loves you, @Beesus . Does he know the legal position? I didn’t, I was SO naive when I had my baby and I have really done myself down financially- not just now but wrt pension. Urban myths and just not thinking it through.
Anyway, if you can discuss this as a ‘taking care of me should you die unexpectedly’ thing, rather than arguing about the fairness of the bill split, would that land better with him? Point out the vulnerability of your position.

of course if you know, or discover, that he won’t care then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Well, owning a third of the house at least puts you in a better position than a lot of the women who've danced this dance.

How's your pension? What does DP think would happen if he dropped dead tomorrow, who would his share of the house and the assets go to? It can be more tricky than you'd think if it's the kids and they're minors. Do you both have wills? This is important, even though they can be changed without the beneficiaries knowing.

You say the house was 1/3 yours and 2/3 his to reflect salary (therefore presumably mortgage contribution) but what about equity? How much cash did you each put in relatively as deposit/stamp duty/legal fees?

Sorry but I've never understood the whole "me not working / working part time has furthered his career" as It denigrates how hard he has worked / how good he is a his job.

No it doesn't. Both things can be true. But he definitely wouldn't have been able to do everything he's done working had he not been confident that OP would be there to pick up the slack at home. Doesn't mean he's not good at his job too/hardworking but it's not enough by itself.