When to call time…..metal health, unhappy home

[positivemama3]

Hi everyone. I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible. 3 children, a dog and a very busy life of clubs, work and running a home. I work 2-3 days a week in a stressful role and my husband is a full time tradesmen, often working long days. Life is busy, some would say stressful, but it’s also wonderful. From my point of view anyway!

We’ve had a challenging few years, particularly for my husband. He parents had a difficult split and he lost his younger sister to suddenly. I’ve been worried about his mental health all year. He’s always had a temper but over the last year he’s been particularly short fused, unkind with his words (including name calling and swearing) and very self-serving. This is most notably with me, but the children have witnessed this. I have tried to be supportive and to see that he’s struggling, but when I have said I think he’s unwell, he has said I’m gaslighting him and looking for ways to continually blame him for issues.

Recently he had a mental breakdown and finally admitted that he wasn’t ok. He saw the doctor and went on some medication. I hoped this was the start of things improving. I have tried to support him emotionally and practically, doing everything in the home and letting him sleep plenty. Early on, he actually said what a great support I am and thanked me for standing by him and for understanding. I try to talk openly but he is not from an open family and finds it difficult to talk about feelings, or to rely on anyone really. There has been little change in his mood since beginning the medication at the start of Nov: less anxious but just as low.

I guess I’m looking for some pearls of wisdom. I really don’t know what to do. I know his treatment of me is not ok. I am constantly walking on eggshells waiting for him to be annoyed. I am happier when we are apart and I feel anxious when he comes home. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make small decisions like what to make for tea, because I’m worried I will make the wrong choice and make he cross. For the most part the children are safe and shielded, and to all others our home probably seems happy and settled. I am aware he is unwell, and not just nasty, but he’s very different to who he has always been. The caring side has gone. The side where we connect as friends has gone. He has no drive and no desire for anything, not just our marriage and our family life. I’m so lonely. I would not walk away from him if he broke his back, and depression is an illness, but I’m losing myself. I’m becoming drained. I’m constantly glossing over everything in the home to keep stability. I dread getting up to face the day. I’m staying because I love him and I hope for change. I hope that one day soon he’ll remember that he wants this life, that he loves me and is grateful for our children. Right now it’s like he wants out…but he won’t engage in any conversation about this because he says it’s all “mither” and more problems when he needs peace.

I love my life. I am grateful for all I have and I am happy with my work, my friends, my emotional support network, our amazing children…all but my husband. How long would you stay like this? What would you put up with? What else would you do to support?

I would tell him he is still unwell, the meds aren't working, and you cannot subject yourself and the kids to this indefinately- he needs to go back to the doc and get them revised. I'm sorry he's ill but if he wants a family he has a duty to try and help himself.

When you say a breakdown was it really? Do you know exactly how it was classified? I ask because he should perhaps see a psychiatrist not the GP for meds tweaks. He may also need group support or counselling - can you go with him and see what the doc suggests?

I hate to say this but there is no way your kids aren't picking up all this, whether they articulate it or not. Your first duty is to yourself and then them - you don't deserve to be unhappy and they don't deserve an unhappy broken mother and an aggressive detached father.

Give it a last shot if he'll engage with the doc and with helping himself, but in the meantime have a plan in place for if it doesn't work. Don't torture yourself with 'oh well if it was a physical illness I'd stick it' , it is not the same thing. You can still give him a degree of support (with boundaries) should you separate, but your priority has to be you and your children's health.

I am in v similar situation. Been like it for years. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. So I don’t know what to say. I have a few friends but he has none. It’s hard work maintaining the ecosystem. I met some of our child’s rugby parents and they even made a joke about how angry my other half is on touch line. I just think, well, some people are depressive, some are alcoholics and gamblers, some are womanisers…very few are probably happy. You say you love life, this is important. I focus on this too. This isn’t much help I know but wanted to say I understand. And no answers are easy.

Thank you for your reply.

He went to the doctors alone, when in a state, and either did not digest what the dr said, or not much was really said in terms of diagnosis or an ongoing plan. He was told it was anxiety, and that the tablets would help him to sleep and to settled the anxiety. He was put on a waiting list for therapy. There has been no call back or follow up appointment. When I say break down I mean he completely stopped functioning. Could not eat or drink. Could not sleep for days. Hours of panic attack and difficulty breathing. Vomiting. He has improved from this, gradually becoming less anxious and being able to sleep and eat again. He’s now back at work and performing everyday tasks, of his own, or where directed. Still very down and very listless. Says he has no motivation for anything.

I am going to broach paying for private therapy, and also suggest that he makes another drs appointment to discuss his mood now.

I am very aware that our children probably do pick up on some of this. I am also very aware that my husband did not have a stable upbringing and that some of his difficulties are likely linked to this, and what a responsibility it is to get this right for them. Leaving will be financially difficult, but my main worry is that I don’t think he’s up to looking after them alone and parenting them well alone. I worry about negotiating fair, stable and supportive co-parenting with a man that is far from fair or stable right now, and the impact on children who do love him very much and would suffer if I questioned how safe he might be right now, or could suffer further if not shielded by me being there.

I also worry that his mental health could spiral alone - that is not on me but it does really concern me. He has friends but they are not emotionally close, and he has poor family relationships. I do not want my children to lose him further, or even totally, if you know what I mean.

At the end of the day I love him. I want him to be the best that he can be, for him and for us. I don’t want to walk out after all of these years, but I know I can’t stay like this.

Thank you for your reply,

I’m sorry you live this life. I read what you’ve written and wondered why you choose to stay where you are unfulfilled, and I felt really sad for you that this is your life….and yet I live this way and I can’t find it in me to take that jump.

The grass might not be greener, but also, it MIGHT be a dam sight greener. Why can’t I take my own advice?! I do still believe in true love and great people, great potential other partners.

My thoughts now are to start living separate lives in the same home. Make my own plans at weekends with the kids, unless he initiates something. Make my own joy and soak up their little lives. Is this how you get through it?

I'm so sorry OP, this is a very difficult situation to be in.
You mentioned the possibility of private therapy, hopefully someone can suggest something. I wonder if it would be a good idea to make some rough plans re how long you feel able to tolerate this state of affairs?

That’s what I’m trying to do to retain some control over what feels like a very chaotic situation. My issue is how long is too long, or not long enough?! December is very busy and I don’t think it’s the best time to expect my husband to be able to take time and make progress on himself, but I can’t bare the thought of living like this ongoing.

Thank you for your compassion.

I think the problem is there is no clear good option, whichever path you take it will be difficult and stressful; the choice between guilt or resentment etc. What I want to say is ultimately you can't let him take you & the children down with him. You can't sacrifice you and the children for him.

I think you need to go back to the doctor with your H . Things are not well and it maybe his medication needs changing.

You need to take back some control , being on egg shells worried if he won’t like tea etc is not sustainable and the kids will be tuning into the uneasy atmosphere.

No easy answers here OP

You hit the nail on the head here! There is no good outcome, not unless there is a lightening bolt moment where he seeks more professional help and that it actually has a long-term impact.

When there is no good option OP then generally the next step is to determine which option is the least worst option.

Just feel so low after another weekend of doing everything I can to limit ‘extra load’ (by that I mean doing 80% of his share of household/family jobs like cooking and childcare), waiting for the next sigh/eye roll/negative outburst, and feeling uneasy in my own home. It’s so draining. I’ve purposely made no plans for our family this weekend to fit in with what might be best for him right now. I’ve had no break or time for myself again. His own words are “can’t be bothered with anything.” He’s offered his help with things but it’s not worth it for his huffing and puffing. He’s here but he isn’t here. Every ask of him, including just simple conversation, is a hassle to him.

Is he just taking the meds OP? As that alone won’t fix the issue, just provide him some clarity to tackle the underlying cause. I would definitely recommend he has some private therapy. Maybe even some couples counselling alongside - it sounds like he might not realise how much this is all impacting you.

I’m not unfulfilled. And actually, he has a disability also we learned after his breakdown. ADHD/ASD. But like one poster said, what is least worst option. This is how life is. My main priority is raising the kids and I don’t think I’d manage that on my own and dealing with him. So this is best option.

I think all you can do is wait and see. Plan things on your own away from him. Pack him off to his family or a friend for the day. Anything to give you some space. Especially over Xmas period.

Hi OP, if you can afford it I would recommend him seeing a private psychiatrist who would be able to provide a diagnosis, review medication and refer for the appropriate therapy.
He might not be keen but I think you need to try to explain how you are struggling and that something major needs to change.
Also, look at getting some counselling for yourself so you will have someone impartial
to offload to and to support you in moving forward.
Good luck, you deserve a better life than you are getting atm xx

Hello OP. I tried to do this. But in reality the children can pick up on the vibe because you can't 100% avoid each other. So they can see that there is an atmosphere, or one parent is in a mood or not engaging etc. Older children can also compare with their friends' lives and see how many people are true families (together or apart) and this halfway house is neither.

One week my husband had been away Monday to Thursday night. Did zero parenting, cooking etc as had all meals made for him whilst away. Had every night to himself and went to cinema, football, pub. Work wasn't particularly stressful. On the Friday night I asked him to bath the children and he huffed and puffed, if I have to kind of attitude, was obviously moody about it. Then went to bed early. I started to think ..what is the point of you?

The next night he was in bed at 9pm for an early night as he was exhausted. I had taken the children out all day to give him time to himself. But his parting shot before bed was how could I expect him to be less miserable when he was so lonely... Absolutely no insight whatsoever into how he was contributing to this.

Negative and angry outbursts don't sound like depression to me.

I don't think you should have to tolerate anger and aggression in your home OP.

I guess OP you have to decide if there is any likelihood that he will improve. His lack of engagement seems to suggest not?
You cant let him take you all down with him.

@positivemama3 This isn’t a person struggling with depression, this is a selfish, toxic person who doesn’t care how he affects others around him and is refusing to contribute.

You don’t have to tolerate it. I hope you manage to leave him.

Actually him doing nothing, drifting about and sulking isn't doing him any good at all. The best treatment for anxiety and depression is actually exercise, fresh air and creativity - what used to be called occupational therapy. If you're intent on putting him with him (and he's got no business snapping at you and huffing IMO) then push him into some exercise as as starting point.