Am I wrong here ….

[OneGreyPombear]

I’ve posted before about partner being pretty shitty when he’s had a bit much to drink … we spoke about it and he’s tried to cut back a bit and things were looking better …. Queue typical Saturday night syndrome and he’s had too much again . Nothing major but he’s falling asleep on the sofa , so I’ve suggested going up to bed - before anyone says leave him on the sofa , it’s not really an option as the house is open plan , he disturbs the dogs who then disturb the rest of the house and no one can settle .

Anyway , then starts the I’m not tired , there’s nothing wrong with me , nodding off again almost spilling the wine he’s got in his hand . When I’ve tried again to chivvy him along to bed , I’m all the names again . In this moment I can roll my eyes and shrug it off BUT what I can’t get my head around is , we were meant to be going to see my Grandad tomorrow , recently moved into a nursing home , and now he’s decided because he’s in a mood , we’re not going and I’m expected to let Grandad down . Also our trip away next week he “thinks we should cancel” I can’t get my head around using someone’s family or things they’re looking forward to , as leverage In an argument .

It’s happened before when we’ve planned days or meals out and something had happened or been said he doesn’t like - even the most tiny thing in jest .

Am I wrong to be hurt by this sort of behaviour, is this actually me being unreasonable?

sorry for the long one !

Sounds like there’s an abusive dynamic here. I read Should I Stay or Should I Go? By Lundy Bancroft before ending my relationship with my ex 3.5 years ago and I feel like every young woman should be given this book! It gives you a step by step process to get him to remedy his unacceptable behaviour. The premise is how to save your relationship if it deserves to be saved.

My biggest regret is not ending my relationship sooner. No-one deserves to feel like shit when they’re not doing anything wrong, nor to be punished for calling shitty behaviour out. Life’s too short and you sound fab, OP. Xx

@JoyousPoet thank you , that’s so very kind .

I’m absolutely not perfect , but I try and wouldn’t ever do anything deliberately to hurt someone else or use someone’s family or things they enjoy as leverage .

I will look up the book now , thank you for the recommendation .

sometimes we just need our feelings validated because I do question if it’s me being sensitive or unreasonable !

There are a number of chapters in the book to help you work out what’s going on. For example, is it addiction, is it MH issues and there’s one called Is it me? Which would put your mind at rest there.

His behaviour towards you is unacceptable. You are trying to help him and manage the rest of the household’s needs too. There’s no excuse for calling you names and punishing you by taking nice things away as a result! Xx

He's an alcoholic and he doesn't want to go to bed because he'd prefer to carry on drinking. Reality is that his relationship with alcohol is more important to him than his relationship with you.

Leave him on the sofa, shut your bedroom door and let him deal with the disturbance. Go and visit your grandad by yourself. I'd even do the trip away by yourself, but I'm very independent, can understand if you didn't want to do that alone.

Why is it up to him if whether you see your grandad or not? Are you reliant on him driving you?

Stop playing the game of convincing the pissed man to go to bed. Because it is a game and it’s boring. Let him spill his wine, disturb the dogs, whatever. Not your problem. Leave him to it.

Leave him to be a drunken embarrassment and go to bed. Tomorrow go visit without him.

He says that about not visiting your grandad specifically because he knows it hurts you. Only you can say why he wants to hurt you. Clue: he doesn’t care about you. Clue 2: he’s an arsehole.

go and see Your grandad without him praying you’re not going to say you need a lift from him

Update - so we went on our trip and did have a nice time - a few drinks , nothing too excessive . But when we get home , things change again , one huge thing I’ve noticed is Stella .he drinks Stella at home , and that’s when we have the issues . We went away and no Stella was consumed and there were no issues. It sounds stereotypical “Stella makes them angry” and when I’ve brought it up he laughs it off - but genuinely it doesn’t agree with him ! Again tonight the Stella’s been out and I’m all the names . He needs help , but I can’t do it - how do you get someone who desperately needs help to get it ? He’s got a good job and doesn’t drinks all day every day but does heavily rely on it at night , every night .

@BitOutOfPractice I did indeed need a lift as I’ve injured my back and can’t drive at the minute . We did go , but it took some cajoling but I wasn’t letting my grandad down at 91 years old . Public transport wouldn’t have got me there on a Sunday either .

You can't make an addict seek help. If he refuses to do anything about his alcoholism, your relationship will not survive. Living with an addict long term will also ruin your mental health. Being drunk is no excuse to be verbally abusive either. It's not the Stella, it's him. All drinking does is lower inhibitions. It doesn't change his personality. The drunk version of him is who he is inside, so who he is inside is an abusive prick.
It's time to cut your losses with this loser.

@XChrome he just is in absolute denial about his dependency on it. When he’s not been drinking he’s absolutely fine , like any other normal person , but as soon as he’s home from work or has free time , he’s opening a can. So much so the noise makes me cringe now , it actually makes me wnxious hearing that crack . Sounds dramatic doesn’t it? but it’s true .

It’s so difficult to cut ties , apart from the emotional side of things , I’m actually very financially dependent on him currently due to being off work poorly . We have a few expensive joint assets” which are financed , but which are actually solely in my name as he had other things in his . I haven’t any savings to tide me over as they’ve all been used up and literally have nothing to sell to keep me going . I’m at the end of my tether , worn out physically, mentally and emotionally and can’t see how to climb out of a hole . I look back sometimes and think, how has it got to this point? I had a good job with good prospects, now I have nothing really but dependency on someone who seems to care very little for me and no way out currently .

I am so sorry. That is a terrible position to be in and I'm not sure what you can do right now if your finances are that bad. That really sucks.
I totally get why you cringe at the sound of a can opening and it's not overly dramatic. As I was saying, life with an addict is very stressful and affects your mental health, so your reaction is entirely normal.

Thank you. it’s nice to feel those feelings are valid .

I’ve actually recently been told by a doctor I’ve got quite severe depression and anxiety and do honestly feel this plays a huge part in it . It’s scary for me because I’ve always been quite strong and self dependant but I feel I’ve lost that now .

currently it is really hard , it’s not a good place to be , but I’m working on coming out the other side, I suppose for now I keep a thick skin and roll my eyes as best I can . It’s probably my own stupid fault for taking on such assets when we were “good” but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it !

thank you for reading and offering some insight and a bit of validation for my feelings . It’s hard to know whether it’s me being unreasonable sometimes because I feel I’ve lost myself and understanding of what’s normal .