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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is an eternal pessimist - can pessimists ever change?

8 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/04/2008 10:21

Because it's draining the very life out of me. No matter what happy event happens in our lives, he always finds a negative spin to put on it. He withdraws away into himself as he analyses and re-analyses. During this time I will be doing everything to be positive and explain why something is great and good and to look at the whole picture and after a period of doom and gloom, he brightens up and realises that I was right. He honestly does not have a clue how lucky he is when it comes to health, job, affluence, loving family.

But now I'm tired of it as I have our two kids to look after (3+4) and that is draining enough in itself.

The latest being, for a while now we have wanted to move to a different area. Amazingly a great job offer has come up. Initially he was delighted as he felt that he'd been at his current workplace too long and it wasn't going anywhere. But now the analysis has started and he goes all introspective. I feel that everytime something good and lucky happens to us, instead of riding the crest of the wave and enjoying the experience, we sink beneath the waves unnecessarily so. He thinks about how all the wee things affect his life but not how they will or will not affect me or the kids.

Now I am miserable about everything because I'm thinking is this what he is going to be like for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
Sherbert37 · 30/04/2008 10:34

My DH has always been like this. He had CBT for problems and was told he 'catastrophises'. It is a recognised condition. He too cannot see the good in things and his mother is the same. It is very draining for him and us. He thinks I go overboard praising the DCs but someone has to. I'm afraid I see it getting worse not better with age.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 30/04/2008 10:48

Interesting because I think DH's father is the same. He'll always say something negative or nasty before he'd say something positive. His mother just looks weary of it.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 30/04/2008 11:36

I'm pretty sure eternal pessimists can't change

Swedes · 30/04/2008 11:37

I'm pessimistic about him changing.

GrapefruitMoon · 30/04/2008 11:40

Dh isn't as bad but is what I would call a drama queen - if the fence rattles in the wind it's about to fall down, if the roof leaks a teeny bit (old house) we need a new roof, etc, etc. If we are going anywhere, "something" might happen to delay us so we have to leave hours before it is necessary....

castlesintheair · 30/04/2008 11:46

My father is like this and sadly (aged 65) it hasn't changed. People just get fed up eventually, including a long list of ex-wives, children and siblings.
I really sympathise. I know how draining it is.

more · 30/04/2008 15:03

lol Swedes .

Negative people can change. I did I was brought up to only see the negative in every single situation. My parents would be able to see the negative in a lottery win.
It is really hard work changing though, and he would need to want to change.

If you love him and want to stay with him could you tell him that he has a choice, try his hardest to change, even if it means popping some pills or going to a psychiatrist, in order to save your marriage or pack his bags!!??

Swedes · 30/04/2008 15:15

More - I think you make a very good point. The desire to change has to come from within.

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