He lied again

[RRDex]

My partner and I have been together 6 years. We are both divorced, both from abusive relationships and have been through a lot together.
he knows everything about me.
I have Complex PTSD, I am currently suffering from 2 of my 3 children being alienated from me by my ex, I suffer from a lot of trauma from the past and generally life is tough right now.
He has ADHD and I do most everything at home and take care of all of his life admin to try to make life easier for him etc.
We both used to smoke but quit together.
A few years ago he lied about starting again and when I found out, after him repeatedly lying o my face about it we had a massive blow up row about it and I threw him out. It was the fact of the lie and not being able to trust him.
I already have massive trust issues from my childhood, my mother betraying me and the issues with my ex.
He swore he would never lie again and said he realised what a mistake it was and how much it had hurt me and put our relationship in jeopardy.

Sometimes he comes home from work smelling slightly of smoke and when I have queried him he has denied smoking and saying making something up. I have given him the benefit the doubt and thought there is no way he would lie again and not about the same thing! I told him last time if he did start smoking again to just tell me cos it was the lie I had the issue with not the smoking.

Fast forward to now and it hit me that he only sometimes comes home smelling of smoke so it rang alarms bells all of a sudden so I went to his car and opened up the glove box and lo and behold there was a pack of fags.

I know life is tough right now with the alienation and my mental health but even today he said "I know how anti smoking you are." (my father died of lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking and my mother died of cancer I believe from passive smoking - both in their early 60)

I dont know what to do with his lie!
He has once again put our relationship at risk for something so stupid!
if he can lie about this and so convincingly what else can he lie about?

Trust is everything and he knows I feel that way.

what would you do?

We were just getting back on track since his last stupid comment/ fuck up!

what would you do?

I would look after myself first and foremost. I would see my GP and get some therapy for my CPTSD as it's very difficult to cope with. You might find the book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker helpful.

You seem to be infantalising your partner. He works so he's obviously highly functioning and doesn't need you to do everything for him.

You need to decide if smoking is a dealbreaker or not. You have evidence he's smoking and he's not currently prepared to stop. Accept that if you want to remain in the relationship.

Your relationship seems to only be one way. What does your partner do to make life easier for you?

I would not want to be with him as I do not tolerate any kind of deceitful behaviour.

I would rather he say, ' No, I'm not going to give up smoking, you'll have to accept it or finish with me!'

Going behind your back is just pathetic and weak.

I also think it smack of being petty getting one over you and that when he smokes he is smirking as he thinks how disgusted you would be!

If it's not sneakily smoking then it will something else just so he can feel he's got one over on you.

I don't see a future with this sneaky little man.

He is a person not a robot, he probably wouldn't need to lie if he was not treated like a 2 year old

Either accept him for who he is or not, the way you are coming across you will never find someone who matches what you want

Smoker here I done exactly the same as your partner I gave up then went back smoking I use to smoke at the end of the road when I came home from work .Perhaps he’s embarrassed like I was (no willpower) .I wasn’t lying about anything else to my family in the end I told them I hadn’t given up .All was fine what I’m saying is it’s bloody hard and you do sound abit OTT to be fair

Hmm I’m not sure. Obviously lying is never good. ever. But he’s seen what your reaction was last time you found out (throwing him out is quite extreme I think) so he’s stupidly lying to stop that happening again.

look I hate smoking but he’s an adult, you can’t really forbid him from doing it. That’s where the lies and associated Trauma kick in.

both of you need to have a calm chat about whether smoking is a dealbreaker for either of you, both of you, and go from there.

What’s he adding to your life and if you split up do things would be easier or harder? He doesn’t need you to do his admin, he managed before and would do again. The dynamic sounds a bit off between you. You’re trying to parent him and he’s kicking back against it.

Where’s the fun, joy, levity, companionship, mutual support, mutual respect, being a partnership?

I don't know what you should do but I know what he should do: leave this controlling, manipulative relationship and find a sane person to pair up with.

FGS, OP, much as I sympathise with you, smoking is not a crime and if your man does no smoke at home or around you, leave it alone.

Good for you giving up smoking, I did many years ago but I made the decision with no coercion and I had stopped enjoying it anyway, it had become a boring habit. Nobody thought I would give it up, I'd tried before and failed, but I did, because it was the right time for me. I never had to lie about smoking and I do not feel uncomfortable on the rare occasion I'm in the company of a smoker (that is rare nowadays but does happen sometimes).

Give the guy a break. It's his money and his health. He'll probably give up when he really wants to.

Nicotine is an addictive substance similar to heroin so I can understand why he's finding it difficult to quit. But if you have drawn your line firmly in the ground regarding smoking so you either have to accept your relationship is over or decide him smoking/hiding it is no longer a deal breaker. Yes it once was but is it still now? However I am a little concerned about this part

He has ADHD and I do most everything at home and take care of all of his life admin to try to make life easier for him etc.

Are you trying to say his only contribution to your joint life is him going out to work?