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Original poster

How do I leave?

5 replies

Berosey54432 · 07/12/2024 02:08

I have been on/ off with my OH for the last 13 years. Last year we split up (3rd time) and he moved out but I always felt it was left unfinished and lo and behold like always he came back asking for another chance. He is a lovely person I just don’t feel like we are compatible anymore. We have gone from being teenagers to in our 30’s but nothing about him excites me anymore. We have two children (5&9) I‘m worried they’ll hate me for splitting up the family but I’m not happy. I am recovering from a knee replacement and our mortgage term expired 2 weeks ago. We renewed on a fix rate as couldn’t afford variable amount which was probably a mistake. As I am currently on sick leave I have plenty of time to think which I don’t usually have. He had a career change recently meaning he is at home more rather than working 50 hours per week. We hadn’t had the opportunity to do ‘normal’ family activities before and whilst he was keen to participate over the summer months it’s back to spending all morning on the Xbox and then work 3-10pm and I’m not saying children need to be constantly occupied with trips out but I feel like I have to nag for us to do something and it isn’t pleasant. I do not give up easily until I’ve given something my all, exhausted every possibility and am 100% sure. I feel it in my gut it’s the right thing to do I can’t continue this inevitable cycle. I just feel like he will make my life really difficult. I feel more fearful of staying than changing. It would be hard not seeing my children everyday, if I had to sell my house I love and start over, to date again with two children in tow… but I think I would be prepared to sacrifice that for my freedom. To work on loving myself and being the best version of myself I can possibly be. You are probably going to think I’m being selfish for dragging my heels to get Christmas out of the way and wait until the New Year when I’m back in my normal routine and fit and well as then for me it’s a true reflection of ‘normal’ life unlike now I’m sitting around down and depressed trying to figure out what will make things better.

OP posts:
Anon4500 · 07/12/2024 02:21

Berosey54432 · 07/12/2024 02:08

I have been on/ off with my OH for the last 13 years. Last year we split up (3rd time) and he moved out but I always felt it was left unfinished and lo and behold like always he came back asking for another chance. He is a lovely person I just don’t feel like we are compatible anymore. We have gone from being teenagers to in our 30’s but nothing about him excites me anymore. We have two children (5&9) I‘m worried they’ll hate me for splitting up the family but I’m not happy. I am recovering from a knee replacement and our mortgage term expired 2 weeks ago. We renewed on a fix rate as couldn’t afford variable amount which was probably a mistake. As I am currently on sick leave I have plenty of time to think which I don’t usually have. He had a career change recently meaning he is at home more rather than working 50 hours per week. We hadn’t had the opportunity to do ‘normal’ family activities before and whilst he was keen to participate over the summer months it’s back to spending all morning on the Xbox and then work 3-10pm and I’m not saying children need to be constantly occupied with trips out but I feel like I have to nag for us to do something and it isn’t pleasant. I do not give up easily until I’ve given something my all, exhausted every possibility and am 100% sure. I feel it in my gut it’s the right thing to do I can’t continue this inevitable cycle. I just feel like he will make my life really difficult. I feel more fearful of staying than changing. It would be hard not seeing my children everyday, if I had to sell my house I love and start over, to date again with two children in tow… but I think I would be prepared to sacrifice that for my freedom. To work on loving myself and being the best version of myself I can possibly be. You are probably going to think I’m being selfish for dragging my heels to get Christmas out of the way and wait until the New Year when I’m back in my normal routine and fit and well as then for me it’s a true reflection of ‘normal’ life unlike now I’m sitting around down and depressed trying to figure out what will make things better.

Firstly you can’t stay because of the kids. They need a normal environment not a hostile one and secondly you need to end this sooner rather than later x

Lurkingandlearning · 07/12/2024 02:34

I imagine it’s very common for couples who got together in their teens to no longer be compatible in their 30s, we change a lot during those years. Although in some ways it seems he hasn’t as gaming is a priority to him. He certainly seems disengaged from family life.

If you sure there is no way to make your marriage happy for you then end it. Don’t worry about your children hating you. They won’t. There are lots of similar threads to yours here and people often post saying they had been a child of unhappy parents and they wished their parents had actually divorced rather than staying together for them. Leaving your home and not having your children with you 100% are hard to imagine but in time life will be happier for all of you.

If you aren’t completely sure then couples counselling would probably be a great resource. By saying you need it maybe your OH will take your concerns more seriously than he has so far and that impartial third person might help the changes that need to be made, even if that means ending the relationship, easier.

KittenPause · 07/12/2024 03:23

Just remember you're not going to miss him

But you will miss being in a relationship

But if you don't leave him you'll never be truly happy

KittenPause · 07/12/2024 03:24

And the relief you'll feel will be amazing

KittenPause · 07/12/2024 03:45

The tricky bit is that you own a house together and you'll need it for you and your DC and he might not want to leave

However

Have the conversation you need to have and who knows it might be what he needs to become a bit more what you want after all

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