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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to tell a Autistic/Adhd man I like him

49 replies

CherryPizza · 06/12/2024 23:02

Hello,
Several months ago I met a man who I instantly liked, and it was mutual. I met him socially not dating. We’ve since met up several times, but just to do social things nothing physical, but we clearly really like each other. We’ve had deep chats and he’s told me he has Autism and Adhd, and a bit about what it means. In recent weeks he’s obviously had a bit of an energy crash and hasn’t been able to respond to messages much etc. but I hope we’ll meet again soon. The thing I’m wondering is, how could I best let him know I like him like that. Should I tell him when me meet up? Or not tell him but just leave it to him? I can’t work it out. He comes across when you meet him as quite different. I know he spends most of his time alone, and likes it that way. I just can’t work out what would be the best way to take things forward. He seems very fragile and I don’t want to upset him.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 07/12/2024 10:37

"I really like you, would you like to go on a date?" ought to cover it.

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 10:50

I’ve considered this @DreadPirateRobots but I am not sure how different a date would be to the things we’ve been doing. Meeting up just us two, making it nice, meeting to do nice things. It feels like we have been dating while calling it friends, almost naturally.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 07/12/2024 11:19

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 10:50

I’ve considered this @DreadPirateRobots but I am not sure how different a date would be to the things we’ve been doing. Meeting up just us two, making it nice, meeting to do nice things. It feels like we have been dating while calling it friends, almost naturally.

Then what is there to be afraid of? AT some point you have to confirm "this is a romantic thing", so your choices are to grab him in person and lay one on him, or use your words. I know which one I'd recommend.

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 11:24

Hehe, it is kind of exciting. Last time we met up it was really lovely. But then there’s been a few weeks of him laying lower and he did explain that he was ill and then feeling low. I have noticed he gets very tired and sleeps a lot. And that he can be shy and non immediate to me on messages. I just want to get it right. It feels like he would retreat if he felt pressured

OP posts:
Circumferences · 07/12/2024 12:14

Look, he's a bloke, you're a single female, he'll be thinking of you in "that way" whether you're aware of it or not.
Just go for it! He'll be delighted.

bosqueverde · 07/12/2024 12:18

Go for it op.
That's what us men are told to do every time: do not dig yourself in the friendzone unless that's where you want to be. Be a complete person, one that can take risks and especially that of baring your emotions when you don't know how they'll be received.
He probably won't know how to navigate it any more than you do but once you're both in the same mud patch you can help each other out.
The alternative is, stay alone in your own little mud patch.

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 12:29

That is great advice @bosqueverde

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2024 12:29

Stichintime · 06/12/2024 23:28

You're already feeling responsible for him.

Yes, he may not read signals etc like a NT man but you do still deserve to be treated well and if things move forward never accept any "bad" behaviour because he is ND.

WarmFrogPond · 07/12/2024 12:35

Tealeavesinthecup · 06/12/2024 23:34

That’s not a reason to turn her back on someone she likes and whose company might be very important to him. Just because someone is in a bad place is not a reason to cut them off, causing further hurt.

It would be for me. I wouldn’t even be contemplating a relationship with someone where I’m already feeling at this early stage that I have to do the emotional work of the friendship.

The OP is already pussyfooting around his fragility and how she ‘doesn’t want to upset him’, and deciding his ‘energy crash’ is responsible for him not replying to her texts, rather than that he’s not that bothered, or is happy to see her if they meet, but isn’t giving her a lot of headspace otherwise.

OP, I’d back away now. Don’t fall into a ‘He’s different when he’s with me’ situation.

LaidBackLettice · 07/12/2024 12:52

Be direct and honest. He won’t read it any other way with autism & ADHD. He may be holding back too as he might be self conscious about the situation and getting it wrong. My husband has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum and actually that’s what attracted me to him. No games, no lies, just bluntly honest about who they are. Can sometimes be frustrating in other ways but overall, it’s a positive for me. Nearly 30 years of marriage and he’s my best friend and we’re very close. I also have a couple of autistic female friends and generally find them less complicated to deal with as you always know how they feel.

TheMotherShipAhoy · 07/12/2024 13:16

This is a good time to assess whether you are ready to 'believe him when he tells you who he is'.

He is telling you ‐in words and actions- that he is a person who requires considerable downtime during which communication might slow, needs to recuperate a lot through sleep and isolation, experiences low moods and shyness.

This is eliciting a response in you; you want to 'get it right' and you believe your actions might cause him to feel 'pressured' and like he needs to retreat.

Pause and ponder. He is the expert on his needs. This is how he ensures they are met. Good for him.

Only proceed if you are 100% at ease with how this feels to you now. As in 'very comfortable indeed', and that it will not cause you to second-guess your spontaneity or gut-feeling or emotions. That it will not cause you to compromise on your own feeling of comfort and ease as you try to make things right for your friend to avoid unsettling him. Because any feelings of insecurity and uncertainty now are likely to linger and remain as your connection deepens ‐not diminish.

What are you like? If any part of you enjoys carefree expression and spontaneity, or honest addressing of differences of opinion or expectation as issues arise without needing to cautiously curate the delivery, really think about whether to take this further. If you too have times when centering your own needs feels important, or your expectation is one of mutually doing any 'heavy lifting' as far as relating and communication is concerned, proceed with caution. Because what nourishes you is also important.

Our loving relationship should feel like calm havens, spaces of mutual understanding and relaxation. They shouldn't be hard work as a baseline, with rewards of goodness and respite as a result of 'getting it right'.

Whether a romantic partner has social and communication differences, as with ASC, or just communicates and engages with the world in ways which are different to yours ‐and especially if the stakes are raised by high-impact consequences such as overwhelm and withdrawal‐ the course of a relationship can be very challenging (for both parties). It's rarely a case of 'it was tough but we got there in the end' as the differences are hard-wired; you can't rely on 'learning your way out of them' or hoping to make sufficient adaptations, or in the case of the ND partner, de-sensitising sufficiently -the differences are built-in and although we can learn strategies to cope better, they won't go away.

Nobody's love is special enough, nobody's attention to detail, or commitment to meeting a partner's needs is fine-tuned enough to guarantee an easy ride with challenges to the baseline of communication and interaction like this.

WarmFrogPond · 07/12/2024 13:19

Good post from @TheMotherShipAhoy.

SereneCapybara · 07/12/2024 13:25

Tough one. No two autistic men are alike any more than two neurotypical men are.

DS is autistic. I think he likes it if someone is clear about their interest in him but not too overwhelming. Something like: I really like your company. Would you be interested in coming on a date with me sometime?

Then maybe suggest a couple of options for the date - although DS in his younger years was known to not spot overtures of friendship/romance because people invited him for coffee or a drink and he said no as he didn't like coffee or alcohol and didn't spot what was behind the offers, bless him! Grin So if you do suggest something, choose an event or activity you know he likes.

p1l1l · 07/12/2024 13:26

I would put it on a text, personally. An invitation to a date. No humiliation for either party if feelings aren’t reciprocated, make sure you give him an “out” so that if he wants to take it, you’ve made it easy. You can put that you are shy or whatever.

Kerkyra2024 · 07/12/2024 13:26

I am on the spectrum (dyspraxia and ADHD) and the biggest thing I appreciate is when I'm treated as a normal person not as my disability. I'm very willing to talk about it but just want to be seen as who I am as a person

TheMotherShipAhoy · 07/12/2024 13:50

@WarmFrogPond I just read yours (I kept coming and going from my post), and think you said it all already, just more succinctly.

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 13:52

Good points. I am very much in the habit of decentring my needs— I won’t bore you with my history but it’s in every ring of the tree.

OP posts:
Confuzzledbeans · 07/12/2024 14:21

How old is he? Do you know how much experience he has had with relationships? It may go better/easier than you think. But perhaps a good idea to wait to say something until he is feeling a bit better?

TheMotherShipAhoy · 07/12/2024 14:42

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 13:52

Good points. I am very much in the habit of decentring my needs— I won’t bore you with my history but it’s in every ring of the tree.

This is such a critical piece of self-awareness.
Go lightly, OP. Take care of yourself.

Yours,
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 18:16

Confuzzledbeans · 07/12/2024 14:21

How old is he? Do you know how much experience he has had with relationships? It may go better/easier than you think. But perhaps a good idea to wait to say something until he is feeling a bit better?

He is 40s and has had a long relationship (no kids)

OP posts:
CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 19:05

Well, I texted him earlier asking if he’d like to meet up and saying I’d like to, and no reply. 🫠

OP posts:
WarmFrogPond · 07/12/2024 19:53

CherryPizza · 07/12/2024 19:05

Well, I texted him earlier asking if he’d like to meet up and saying I’d like to, and no reply. 🫠

Well, centre your needs, recognise that he can’t be who you want him to be, and draw a line under it.

SeamsLegit · 08/12/2024 22:06

So disappointing, but he might reply yet 🤞

CatNoon · 08/12/2024 22:14

He’s probably sleeping, or playing video games.

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