Is this it? | Mumsnet

howdoyousurvive · 2024-12-06T21:37:02+00:00

Suppose I’m looking for reassurance that these feelings and difficulties are a tough phase given circumstances. back ground: been with partner 10 years we have a nearly 3 year old and a recently turned 1 year old (20month apart). I had ppd after my daughter last Christmas up until around April. We got engaged in Feb (think he knew I was struggling and it felt more like this will make things better) Things in general seemed to improve from then. However, in June my dad was put in a coma suddenly and died early July. I have really struggled with his death and have found it difficult to accept. Started back at work this week (after maternity and time off for bereavement) and I thought my partner had been good in sharing the household duties now. But earlier he made a comment about a hoodie of his I’d worn and washed and left on the bed and I just feel fed up. i just feel so angry and disinterested in my partner right now. I love him and feel that, especially when I see him with our kids. I have barely any sex drive and just feel like I want to get through each day alive (being touched out by kids, staying on top of everything and now trying to be a full time working mum) But is this what the next year, 5, 10 or forever holds? I didn’t sign up for this

WomenInConstruction · 06/12/2024 21:43

You're really in the trenches right now.

Even without a bereavement your feelings would be very understandable.

Be patient, don't assume your feelings are permanent or am accurate indication of the state of your relationship or how likely it is to survive.

Your feelings are valid, but, keep communicating in together in a mutually respectful way and you'll come through... It might not be quick but you'll be ok, you're just in the wrist stages of parenthood and your having a particularly difficult time of it for additional reasons than the norm.

Hold on in there, it will get better.

Original poster

howdoyousurvive · 06/12/2024 21:44

Thank you x

OP posts:

Autumnblackberries · 06/12/2024 21:48

It will get better if you keep the communication open.
Try and get time without the kids so that you can enjoy each others company.
Invest in what you have, and don't let it slip out of reach.
There is no alternative great love out there.
Only a lonely struggle as a single parent, especially if you're older

tarheelbaby · 06/12/2024 21:58

These are tough times for you but you are working hard to come through them. Your DP sounds like a good person. The days when the DC are small are so hard but they really do pass.
If you have not seen your GP, please do. Depression is caused by chemicals in the brain so medication (antidote chemicals) is a very effective treatment.
It really does get better.

WomenInConstruction · 06/12/2024 22:28

When my kids were that age I was in a similar head space.
So little bounce in me that the slightest extra difficulty felt enormous (like a small perceived criticism,).
I had lost all my sparkle by pouring from an empty cup for far far too long.

Every step I took felt leaden, every smile on my face was pinned on with an act of will... And I didn't like feeling that way, it often sucked all the joy out of those little fun moments kids give you

In my case it was the natural demands of parenting children of that age + very little practical support or help (for various unavoidable reasons) so I was doing almost everything domestic night and day + doing a degree... So compared to you - different but similar iyswim.

One effect on me was that I entirely lost my sense of humour, zero humour, but that was the glue of my relationship with DH, so who was I without it, and what were we as a couple!?

I dragged my sorry carcass through one day after another. But luckily, like you, I had a good DH who didn't fade out stage left when the going got tough. He stuck by us, and battled along with me, going through the same things just from a different perspective.

Two things helped.

We didn't get into a toxic one up manship of who had it worst. It is really tempting when trying to elicit sympathy or support to emphasise the rough time you're having and claim the status of most knackered and fed up... We talked and made a pact to not do that. Instead we asked if the other was ok and did they need anything... It was a conscious discussed choice to do this.

The result was that we both felt we had each others backs, so the urge to complain was minimised, instead it encouraged us to put our best foot forward because we saw each other making the effort for the other. The slog was not going unnoticed.

The second was we kept talking about what we valued in life 'before' and how it would be again, and made tweaks in that direction where we could if possible... I.e. at one point we were so under siege that we were barely making eye contact, ships in the night X 100... We realised and started making the effort to make eye contact and be pleased to see each other...

You know you're doing real in the trenches work, when you're fighting to maintain basic connection never mind sex life!!

But we did, and it slowly improved and we slowly got better.
I had CBT which helped me reverse the utterly flat dead inside feeling which the relentless slog has created.
We even managed to get the sex spark back, which was a pure act of love as it has been so far on the back burner it had become weird to flirt with each other... But we did.

Now we're ten years on, the kids are fantastic and we are still going strong... Wasn't easy but so worth it, we're a team.

Autumnblackberries · 06/12/2024 22:32

WomenInConstruction · 06/12/2024 22:28

When my kids were that age I was in a similar head space.
So little bounce in me that the slightest extra difficulty felt enormous (like a small perceived criticism,).
I had lost all my sparkle by pouring from an empty cup for far far too long.

Every step I took felt leaden, every smile on my face was pinned on with an act of will... And I didn't like feeling that way, it often sucked all the joy out of those little fun moments kids give you

In my case it was the natural demands of parenting children of that age + very little practical support or help (for various unavoidable reasons) so I was doing almost everything domestic night and day + doing a degree... So compared to you - different but similar iyswim.

One effect on me was that I entirely lost my sense of humour, zero humour, but that was the glue of my relationship with DH, so who was I without it, and what were we as a couple!?

I dragged my sorry carcass through one day after another. But luckily, like you, I had a good DH who didn't fade out stage left when the going got tough. He stuck by us, and battled along with me, going through the same things just from a different perspective.

Two things helped.

We didn't get into a toxic one up manship of who had it worst. It is really tempting when trying to elicit sympathy or support to emphasise the rough time you're having and claim the status of most knackered and fed up... We talked and made a pact to not do that. Instead we asked if the other was ok and did they need anything... It was a conscious discussed choice to do this.

The result was that we both felt we had each others backs, so the urge to complain was minimised, instead it encouraged us to put our best foot forward because we saw each other making the effort for the other. The slog was not going unnoticed.

The second was we kept talking about what we valued in life 'before' and how it would be again, and made tweaks in that direction where we could if possible... I.e. at one point we were so under siege that we were barely making eye contact, ships in the night X 100... We realised and started making the effort to make eye contact and be pleased to see each other...

You know you're doing real in the trenches work, when you're fighting to maintain basic connection never mind sex life!!

But we did, and it slowly improved and we slowly got better.
I had CBT which helped me reverse the utterly flat dead inside feeling which the relentless slog has created.
We even managed to get the sex spark back, which was a pure act of love as it has been so far on the back burner it had become weird to flirt with each other... But we did.

Now we're ten years on, the kids are fantastic and we are still going strong... Wasn't easy but so worth it, we're a team.

Edited

This is so lovely.
I wish all middle aged men were like yours.

WomenInConstruction · 06/12/2024 22:39

@Autumnblackberries awww thanks. He's a keeper. ☺️

WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet · 07/12/2024 07:31

WomenInConstruction · 06/12/2024 22:28

When my kids were that age I was in a similar head space.
So little bounce in me that the slightest extra difficulty felt enormous (like a small perceived criticism,).
I had lost all my sparkle by pouring from an empty cup for far far too long.

Every step I took felt leaden, every smile on my face was pinned on with an act of will... And I didn't like feeling that way, it often sucked all the joy out of those little fun moments kids give you

In my case it was the natural demands of parenting children of that age + very little practical support or help (for various unavoidable reasons) so I was doing almost everything domestic night and day + doing a degree... So compared to you - different but similar iyswim.

One effect on me was that I entirely lost my sense of humour, zero humour, but that was the glue of my relationship with DH, so who was I without it, and what were we as a couple!?

I dragged my sorry carcass through one day after another. But luckily, like you, I had a good DH who didn't fade out stage left when the going got tough. He stuck by us, and battled along with me, going through the same things just from a different perspective.

Two things helped.

We didn't get into a toxic one up manship of who had it worst. It is really tempting when trying to elicit sympathy or support to emphasise the rough time you're having and claim the status of most knackered and fed up... We talked and made a pact to not do that. Instead we asked if the other was ok and did they need anything... It was a conscious discussed choice to do this.

The result was that we both felt we had each others backs, so the urge to complain was minimised, instead it encouraged us to put our best foot forward because we saw each other making the effort for the other. The slog was not going unnoticed.

The second was we kept talking about what we valued in life 'before' and how it would be again, and made tweaks in that direction where we could if possible... I.e. at one point we were so under siege that we were barely making eye contact, ships in the night X 100... We realised and started making the effort to make eye contact and be pleased to see each other...

You know you're doing real in the trenches work, when you're fighting to maintain basic connection never mind sex life!!

But we did, and it slowly improved and we slowly got better.
I had CBT which helped me reverse the utterly flat dead inside feeling which the relentless slog has created.
We even managed to get the sex spark back, which was a pure act of love as it has been so far on the back burner it had become weird to flirt with each other... But we did.

Now we're ten years on, the kids are fantastic and we are still going strong... Wasn't easy but so worth it, we're a team.

Edited

Beautiful 🙏

Hang in there @howdoyousurvive 💐

unsync · 07/12/2024 08:06

@howdoyousurvive Hang in there. The death of a parent is hard. There's no getting over it, but you do learn to live with it. It has only been a few months, it took me a couple of years before I felt anywhere near normal. Such a big thing does make you look at your own life, so what you are feeling and questioning is perfectly normal.

You survive it day by day. Just make it through today, and the next day, and the next day. One day you will wake up and feel less sad. It will ease and you will feel better.