Confused

[Nora19]

Have been married 38 years together 43. For about the last 6 years we had become more like house mates go for days with out speaking sleeping in separate rooms.
My husband took up a hobby and met a small group who he become close to after a while one of the women in the group started to flirt with him and to cut a long story short he had his head turned. He asked her out for a coffee and she said yes but they never actually went he said they just realised they wanted to be friends they share the same sence of humor and had a laugh together (we didn’t do any of that) they just carried on as friends for about 1.5 years sharing lifts the odd text but I believe still flirty.
Something happened in our life that brought us closer together and we decided we wanted to get back to a proper marriage. He told me about this women that nothing happened no kisses no cuddles just friend's ship.
i love him a lot but the problem is i can forgive him for it he still sees her at the club but i asked him not to have anything to do with her and he hasn’t they havant spoken in 6 mouths but i cant help thinking that when he sees he every week he wonders what might have been and im second best.
I’m the one know that is destroying the married as I have become obsessed with this women and can’t seem to let it go.

I’m not surprised you can’t let it go, he had an emotional affair.
If you want to move on from it and make your future life together, maybe going to talk to someone about it might help. But maybe you feel this way because deep down you dont want to be with him.

It's quite a complex situation that needs some reflection. Why didn't either of you choose to work on the marriage over those years where you drifted apart?

Do you really want to stay in the relationship or is it because of this other woman?

Do you think he would have had an affair if she'd given him the green light?

How are you both working on the relationship now?

I'm quite worried by the last line of your post- you're blaming yourself when he is the one who's had an emotional affair, and potentially destroyed the marriage. And who knows, maybe it was more than just emotional. If he's going to regain your trust and save the relationship then he has a lot more work to do. I wonder how he would feel if it was the other way around?

You were both destroying your marriage though. Six years of separate bedrooms and ignoring each other is a sure way to end a marriage.
If you both want to sort it out I’d say leave this flirtation in the past and start over. Nothing really happened.

To be fair, the marriage sounded broken before he had his head turned.
OP why did it take some event for you two to see that you needed to work on your relationship. If a relationship has descended to a place of disconnected housemates then without effort, of course someone is going to have their head turned or just leave. The failure of your marriage was down to both of you. Your DH was simply the one who was distracted first.
You are bit sending best because of you were he wouldn't have decided with you to make an effort.

People need to realise that likes plant, relationships need to be fed and nurtured. Not allowed to wither or rot abs then throw blame on the first person to break.

If you want this to work you both need to understand your contribution to the failure and move forward. Not persist in thinking things were fine and the. He did this awful thing. The awful thing or in this case emotional affair, happened at the end of a long time of both people lacking care and putting in effort

You are bit sending best because of you were he wouldn't have decided with you to make an effort.
No idea what I was saying here 😬