Playing with my emotions

[458a]

So, been speaking to a girl at work everyday for about 3 months. I wasn't initially interested and she kept inviting me back to hotel to chill as she travels alot with work and stays in them frequently. I declined the offers twice but she kept coming back saying how disappointed she was. So, i caved in and we had a pleasant night , bit of cuddle nothing more.

Things have begun to escalate and ive stayed with her about 6 times. The last two were very close cuddling, massages , stuff like that but no sex or kissing.

She is muslim and im white non muslim. She is adamant that we cannot do anything intimate due to her religion. Fine i say and move on with my life, but she keeps coming back, inviting me round and doing things with me that you wouldn't do with a friend - close cuddles, massages etc etc.

So, the problem is ive caught feelings for her and trying to get her to commit to anything is impossible, Shes flaky, wont admit there is anything between us and wont allow anything more. Ive sent several messages stating this isnt going anywhere but she ropes me in, i end up staying the night and enjoy the closeness but then leaving feeling absolutely gutted.

I dont know her intentions and i cant walk away. Is she using me for abit of company or is it genuinely because she is muslim?

I feel i need out of this but its like a drug and i keep going back and am getting further down the rabbit hole!

Thoughts?

Probably because she’s a Muslim, in Islam a Muslim woman is only permitted to marry a Muslim man, a Muslim man may marry a Muslim woman, or a Jewish or Christian woman on the understanding that children are raised Muslim. The reason for the difference is that in Islam a woman is worth half a man, so if a woman were to marry a non Muslim man, it would disrupt the order and he would have more control over how children are raised, what religion they follow. A lot of Muslims do follow these rules, the majority that are religious have this expectation, and it’s likely that her family do- or even that she does. It could be that she likes you but only wants to marry a Muslim man, or she’s scared of the fallout/knows you won’t fit into her family and can’t see a future. Alternatively she might not be being truthful and it could be something else entirely. Really you need to talk to her properly as you are dancing around the topic while continuing to have these cuddle sessions. She travels a lot- are you sure she’s not already married or engaged ? Maybe an arranged marriage or someone she’s not that into into but doesn’t want to break her marriage vows?

Would you convert for her? Because if you wouldn't consider it, the whole thing has an expiration date. It might not be viable otherwise but it definitely isn't if you wouldn't.

I know a Muslim woman married to a man who converted. They are very happy. But she would never have considered him otherwise.

Thanks for the reply. I never even considered that she might already be potentially engaged as i know her family are trying to source a partner for her. Appreciate the explanation as well, this has made things much clearer. i have tried to address the topic with her and i think she does want to marry first , as with the muslim tradition. i can accept this but surely keeping this going , changing her mind all the time is only going to leas to heartache. She must understand thst it cant go anywhere.

Do i just cut ties and save myself?

Thanks, i think i would at this point due to how i feel about her. She is concerned though that her parents will not accept me, even if i was muslim...

They may well not.

Which, from what i can gather is very important and without the fathers \family approval its a non starter?

Do not convert, I speak as an ex Muslim. To convert for marriage is foolhardy, as you know nothing about the religion. It’s early days and I honestly think the best thing you can do for both of you is to let her go. At the moment she is not actually treating you very nicely, either because she is getting what she wants out of the situation, or because she is dealing with a whole host of conflicting emotions and cannot face reality. You are way too invested in a short time and I can almost guarantee this situation will bring you heartache.

It sounds to me that she is dating you and your only issue is there's no sex. Which she's already told you won't be happening. So if you're not ok woth that then why are you hanging around?

I suspect if you were clear of your intentions being along the lines of 'if we work out a few months from now, I will propose to you'. Things would progress from there. Still no sex before marriage of course. But if you loved her, that's something you would respect.

You also either have to tell her you will convert or, that you will protect her from her family if she chooses to marry you even though you aren't Muslim. If she is to leave her world for you, you need to make her world with you, safe.

She wants you to be the man and lead. To spend time with her and if you fall in love - step up.

She's courting you.

IF you don't want marriage or, to see if it's viable or, don't want a relationship where sex before marriage isn't done - end it. Not in a way that implies she owes you anything. Because she doesn't. Just state you aren't compatible and don't want to waste your or her time.

It may be that she however, simply wants male company without sex. Everyone gets lonely sometimes afterall. But if this isn't something you want, again, leave.

She isn't mucking you around mate. You just want different things.

You are the booty call. You were uninterested before...be uninterested now, Please question where your boundaries are...because it seems that currently, any woman who shows a slight interest makes everything work for you.

How are you getting that from the post. He said “Shes flaky, wont admit there is anything between us and wont allow anything more”, it seems she’s using him as a cuddle buddy but not taking him seriously in terms of a relationship, whether that be emotional or more?

OP, respectfully, have you done any research on how your day to day life would look like if you converted? It's a very big commitment to convert to any religion and you will have religious responsibilities.

See my last paragraph where I addressed that that might simply be the case yes.

But as for her being flakey and not wanting to admit anything. I think she is actually being guarded, playing her cards close to her chest until she knows he is solid. She is already taking a huge risk on meeting him in hotels. Hiding this relationship from her family. Letting him touch her, even if it is just a massage.

Think of it from her perspective there. She likes him but knows she aught not to. She wants to spend time with him and craves intimacy but is also wary that this could cause a massive shit storm for her.

Any guy can say he likes you, can chase you, can want sex with you, but it doesn't mean anything if that's all he wants and, it's short lived. I don't think shes being flakey, I think she's being cautious. Due to family and religion.

Now, the question is, is she worth investing the time into? Into making her feel secure. Would she ultimately be able to be vulnerable with him? Or does she only want to keep it 'just company' ? Perhaps she has already decided that it's just for some light company. But I suspect it could be that she is afraid and is protecting herself. Which is smart.

Why woulld she risk more with someone who doesn't love her? Who isn't fully prepared to fight for her.

Not saying that dating should be a struggle. But she is risking it despite obstacles. So she needs him to prove he's all in if it's to become a relationship. That'll take time and consistency of actions and proving he's got her back.

If you want a traditional sex and dating UK style relationship, this isn't it.

Thanks for the advice. I do feel like she isnt treating me nicely and your correct im way to invested and carrying this on is only going to lead to heartache. Just so hard to let go...

Thanks mate, she does frequently say to me actions speak louder than words! Sounds like i need to figure out what i want

Thank you, i havent tbh and others have said this. Naively i thought i could do it..

This actually hits the nail on the head and has given me alot to think about and consider, especially with regards to her feelings and the potential risks she is taking which, i have never even considered.

Correct. Even if you converted to Islam, the parents may well not accept you.

Goodness, changing your religion is a huge undertaking.

I know a young man who converted to Islam, but it was a choice he freely made.

It was after his conversion that he met and married a Muslim lady. They're very happy.

OP you need to really, really think about this. Changing your religion isn't just about signing a bit of paper.