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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you make of this?

19 replies

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 06/12/2024 19:11

Met this guy on OLD. Been talking for a few weeks now and have met up once, plan to meet up next week too. Prior to meeting the first time, i feel we got on really well via chats etc otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered meeting him if I didn’t feel we clicked. We both speak and understand Sarcasm fluently lol. I noticed his honesty early on which i like.

We chat and talk a few times a week. However during our last conversation, he mentioned being worried about me, another conversation led to this. He feels he might “corrupt” me. After asking him to explain what he meant, he said he felt as im religious he uses swear words, that i might find offensive. Fyi this is not him hurling abuses at someone, it’s more taking a jab at himself so far that ive seen which to me is fine and he hasn’t even used words like that a lot. He wants to be able to be himself and not be overly conscious of what he says and pick his word carefully. Then he said he secretly feels i might not see it as a problem, but just worried. I dont think I’ve given any vibe that it could be a problem, i mean i use swear words but occasionally and not in his presence yet.

He seems interested as he would still check up on me and we still talk but Im of two minds. Is he secretly trying to let me down gently, or not? I feel he might be trying to self sabotage as he’s made comments in the past that makes me think so. His last relationship was a LTR.

I like him but of course I still need to get to know him better. It would be a bit premature to “throw this one back, no?”.

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OldTinHat · 06/12/2024 19:22

This is up to you.

One of my friendship groups is just three of us. One is very religious and, tbh, I have to bite my tongue sometimes.

She gets very offended very easily (think retching at penis shaped straws at a small hen do between us), always mentions that 'in the bible...' but drinks like a fish and is always hungover.

I'm early 50s, they're late 60s. Religious friend is married, has adult children and grandchildren.

But, I enjoy her company, as does my other friend. I wouldn't cope 1-2-1, I don't think, but the three of us have fun.

You have to think about how your religion affects your daily life, would you get offended by his language and would he get offended or be on edge with you if you're very devout?

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 06/12/2024 19:40

OldTinHat · 06/12/2024 19:22

This is up to you.

One of my friendship groups is just three of us. One is very religious and, tbh, I have to bite my tongue sometimes.

She gets very offended very easily (think retching at penis shaped straws at a small hen do between us), always mentions that 'in the bible...' but drinks like a fish and is always hungover.

I'm early 50s, they're late 60s. Religious friend is married, has adult children and grandchildren.

But, I enjoy her company, as does my other friend. I wouldn't cope 1-2-1, I don't think, but the three of us have fun.

You have to think about how your religion affects your daily life, would you get offended by his language and would he get offended or be on edge with you if you're very devout?

Thank you @OldTinHat to be fair I am not a religious fanatic to get offended easily. Yes i do attend church regularly, i dont quote the bible to back up the littlest thing. Penis shaped straws, things like that won’t offend me lol. I actually use swear words especially when im a bit cross, like most people would🙈.
He knows not to use those words arounds kids, which he pointed out but wants to be free around the woman he’s with. I found this very sweet as i have kids, he doesn’t.

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OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 06/12/2024 22:45

Just commenting to bump this up

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itsnotalwaysthateasy · 06/12/2024 23:21

It all feels a bit weird, I'd dump.
I hope your find someone who doesn't make you question everything...which is how it should be.

winter8090 · 07/12/2024 09:38

It sounds like he's doing a lot of over thinking for the early stages of a relationship.

It's a red flag, but if you like him I would see how things progress.

Chocoholicnightmare · 07/12/2024 09:41

You've been talking for weeks, but met up once? It sounds a bit intense without being in real life. Do you think he's testing you out to see if you're not into sex before marriage?

Wolframandhart · 07/12/2024 09:43

Sounds like he is testing your boundaries.

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:02

winter8090 · 07/12/2024 09:38

It sounds like he's doing a lot of over thinking for the early stages of a relationship.

It's a red flag, but if you like him I would see how things progress.

To be honest i did think he was self sabotaging at one point, but then again will to see how it progresses as you’ve said.

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OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:09

Chocoholicnightmare · 07/12/2024 09:41

You've been talking for weeks, but met up once? It sounds a bit intense without being in real life. Do you think he's testing you out to see if you're not into sex before marriage?

Perhaps? Again not sure why he would assume that. I actually did ask if this was what he meant by “corrupt me” but he said no. It was more of the language.

I was at church on a weekday night for a program that happens quite rarely and he was shocked i was at church that late. Think around 11pm. He then said “wft is church doing at that time?” I actually did mention the use of wtf and church in the same sentence. Perhaps it’s part of why he has this assumption of me having a problem with his language.

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seven201 · 07/12/2024 10:09

I think it was just what popped into his mind as he was chatting. I think you're overthinking it. He was just thinking about if it will work long term. It sounds like you're pretty relaxed with your religion and aren't going to take offence if he swears. Just enjoy dating and see how it goes.

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:13

Wolframandhart · 07/12/2024 09:43

Sounds like he is testing your boundaries.

He's welcome to. I have strong boundaries which if he crosses i’m won’t be quiet about and will deal with it immediately. I’m not desperate so have no problem with calling him out if he ever does.

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Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 07/12/2024 10:16

Why not meet more often and see how you get on? Nothing you’ve said rings alarm bells, to me.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/12/2024 10:17

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:09

Perhaps? Again not sure why he would assume that. I actually did ask if this was what he meant by “corrupt me” but he said no. It was more of the language.

I was at church on a weekday night for a program that happens quite rarely and he was shocked i was at church that late. Think around 11pm. He then said “wft is church doing at that time?” I actually did mention the use of wtf and church in the same sentence. Perhaps it’s part of why he has this assumption of me having a problem with his language.

He might like you but he doesn’t like church.
Honestly though I got early control vibes from your last update .
This man has an issue with your church it takes up your time.
Sounds like he doesn’t/didnt believe you were at church.

Definitely throw this one back. .

Alibababandthe40sheets · 07/12/2024 10:18

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:13

He's welcome to. I have strong boundaries which if he crosses i’m won’t be quiet about and will deal with it immediately. I’m not desperate so have no problem with calling him out if he ever does.

I love this. It is great for a woman to be able to say that. ❤️❤️

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:19

seven201 · 07/12/2024 10:09

I think it was just what popped into his mind as he was chatting. I think you're overthinking it. He was just thinking about if it will work long term. It sounds like you're pretty relaxed with your religion and aren't going to take offence if he swears. Just enjoy dating and see how it goes.

Honestly i thought so. And yes, maybe im overthinking it. We get on really well otherwise and would like to see how it goes. Yes i’m pretty relaxed. He’s not religious which i dont mind as I believe religion is personal. At my age i think i care more about a person’s character more than their religious beliefs.

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OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 10:26

@Hairyesterdaygonetoday i agree, thank you.

@Imbusytodaysorry i dont think so. No controlling vibes at all. This is part of what im talking about re language. It’s similar to saying “wth is church still doing at this time?”. It was more of surprise. I explained and he didn’t bat an eye lid. He actually asked how it went later. Ive had family members also question times I've been at church.

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Lampan · 07/12/2024 10:32

It’s a red flag to me if a man who doesn’t know me well presumes to know how I think or feel about something.

OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 07/12/2024 17:15

@Lampan i did call him out once before on the language

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OnePotatoTwoPotatoThree · 16/12/2024 11:13

Thought only fair to update you guys. So we were having a conversation and i mentioned how I’d rather know what a guy is looking for than spend the time I could use with my kids on the date that wasn’t gonna go anywhere. We met up as planned, after the date I messaged him and asked what his deal breakers are rather than presume what i will or won’t accept. Hasn’t responded since then so I guess I dodged a bullet. Thanks to all those who responded.

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