I have been with my husband for 15 years. We shared two young children and this in itself has put a strain on our relationship (changing priorities, less time together etc).
More recently though I feel that another factor in the distance that seems to be developing between us is a change in perspective. With time and age I find myself becoming more ‘liberal’ whereas I feel my husband is becoming more conservative. I’m not sure these are exactly the right words but there is a definite change in perspective.
A few examples:
- my husband and I both grew up in families that valued academic and professional achievements. I have come to slightly resent this and to impose the same precious on our children. I hope they reach their potential and ultimately find professions that pay the bills but also give them a sense of fulfilment and a good work life balance. My husband however is very pushy academically with them and has made it clear that he only considers certain professions and acceptable choice (law, medicine, engineering, finance etc). He applies the same principles to himself and is currently looking for a new job. When he tells me about opportunities that come up, the salary is always the first thing that he mentions followed by the general benefits package. I find this rather sad and it also leaves me wondering whether he judges me. I have a much lower pain job but one I adore.
- I have struggled with mental health problems for most of my adult life. Probably as a result of this experience I have a lot of compassion for others experiencing similar or different challenges in life. I avoid judging others because I know only too well that you never really know what someone is going through. To be fair, my husband has always been at least on the face of it very supportive of my mental health problems. I had years of therapy and medical treatment and he never appeared to judge me. However, in recent times he has made very cut and cutting comments about other people struggling with mental health (along the lines of them just needing to pull themselves together etc). Again, this leaves me wondering what he really thinks of me. But it also just generally leaves me feeling a bit shocked. I thought he was a lot more open-minded, compassionate and understanding. I don’t know if his perspective has changed or if he has only recently felt able to really speak his mind.
- Women’s rights/issues is another controversial topic. Especially in recent times the Me too movement. To put it simply I tend to empathise and feel that a lot more societal change is required but my husband seems to think many women speaking out as publicity seeking, need to ‘get over it’ or ‘learn to take a joke’ - statements I find rather infuriating.
Maybe these sound like some pretty small issues, but actually, I feel they reflect pretty significant differences in our values and priorities in life and I’m getting to the point where I am questioning our compatibility long term. When I do raise objections to what he says we can get into some pretty fiery discussions about it but in the end neither of us change our positions.
I also want to say that my husband does have many fantastic qualities. He is in other ways a wonderful father and has never been anything else then supportive towards me but just wondering how best to navigate this issue.