Please help - abusive relationship and 31 weeks pregnant

[whycantileavehim]

Please I don't need flaming I need some support and a good talking to. Had to name change for this as I don't want it linking back to any other threads I've made or commented on.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and my DH is abusive. We only got married a month ago and now I'm kicking myself because that means he will automatically get parental responsibility for the baby and I'm frightened for what this means. Why did I marry him? I already have a young DC from a previous (abusive) relationship and was sold this dream of us all being a proper family and now it's fallen to pieces. Things haven't been right for a while there has been a couple of occasions of physical violence but it's mostly verbal/emotional/gaslighting etc and it's worn me down so much I don't even feel like a real person anymore and I have no idea how I'm going to cope with the newborn stage etc with another young child after a c section. My ELCS is booked for just under 7 weeks time. I have no family to support me, no friends, nothing.

He left last night (house is rented and in my name only luckily as I hadn't got round to putting him on the tenancy due to a lot of other things going on) and I said to him I don't think I can do this anymore for my sake, for my children's sakes. Some of the messages he's sent me have been horrific. He goes from one extreme to the other - wanting contact with baby and then saying he wants nothing to do with any of us and he's glad we are out of his life etc. He's previously mentioned going for full custody when they are born and he's discussed this with his own mother so now I'm terrified they are going to try and take the baby when they're born.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm spiralling and trying not to stress or be upset but I feel like I'm breaking into a million pieces. I don't understand why he would do this and how it could all come to this, I was such a fool to believe the things he said and now I'm in a mess and I feel like my life is destroyed and I have let my DC down. I know I should contact the police but I'm frightened how he will try and spin things with the support of his family and I'll end up worse off because it's only me and I don't have anyone to back me up or support me. I don't know what I'm looking for here but I just needed somewhere to get it all out as I have no one to talk to in real life about any of this. Why couldn't I leave him before? Why do I feel so bad I feel like I'm grieving and I feel completely lost and alone I have no idea where to go from here

Please ring the police and women's aid ASAP! Go to family that you trust xxx

You aren't alone in your experiences and sorry to hear what is going on for you. This isn't your fault. Sometimes, fear of the unknown keeps us stuck, fear of the future, financial worries etc. Even in the face of abuse, staying can feel more comfortable than leaving.

I think support is really important for you right now, please do reach out if you need someone to talk to. I am not qualified to help but just a concerned stranger who empathises with your situation.

It is very overwhelming right now, a lot is going on around you and lots of questions are probably in your mind. Is there anywhere you can go for some respite?

Hi there,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page: Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

You need to get him out.
His violence will escalate once a newborn is in the mix.

Often women go from one abusive relationship to another- you need to get help as to understand why this is.

Often there is no “ fairytale ending “ but far better to be a single parent to two children than trapped in an abusive relationship.

Good luck , @whycantileavehim Free yourself and your children from this violent man.

If you are a capable mum there’s no way he and his mother will get full custody.
He is a violent man, so that isn’t going to happen.

Get some help from Women’s aid .

Hi Op very sorry this has happened to you. Please speak to the police and women’s aid also speak to your midwife asap. There are specialist midwives who work in small teams who can help you navigate all of this and give you extra support.
Remember none of this is your fault and well done on acting quickly and not hoping it goes away because it won’t xxxx

@whycantileavehim

1. Change the locks and drop his stuff off at his Mums.
2. Call Woman's Aid for help/advice
3. Report the messages and violence to 101 Police

You need to lay a paper trail now so that he can't come back and terrorise you all when you are at your most vulnerable.

Social Work will want to see you being proactive in keeping the kids safe as well.

DO NOT hide what he is. Tell Police and your health visitor. Get help. Keep him away.

Fight for yourself and your babies now.

Look into doing the Freedom Programme and read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' as well so that you understand how you are attracting abusers and can break that cycle.

Remember, NEVER take legal advice from your enemy. NO court will give sole custody of a newborn to a father who has a record of abuse. You make sure there is a record by telling everyone what he's been doing.

You’ve escaped from one man, you can escape from this one too.

Change the locks
Report his messages and tell the police you’re worried about your safety
Call womens aid
Get a wellness check from your dr (this is important if he tries to claim you have mental health issues)

Get everything logged, don’t delete any messages and definitely do not reply.

Also, he can crow all he likes about full custody, but honestly the likelihood of that happening to a person who can show they’re a pro social member of society and a good mum is 0. He won’t even be allowed over nights for a very long time either. At most he’ll get an hour a day supervised and that will only change when baby turns into a toddler and is no longer breastfeeding.