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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constantly arguing

7 replies

Workingmum89 · 06/12/2024 00:10

Every now and again my husband and I have a huge argument which gets heated and divorce is mentioned. We both say things that are not nice but it's so hard to come back from them. He is aggressive, swears at me and says absolutely awful things to me. He wants me to quit my job and be at home with our children which we can't afford for me to do. He wants me to change jobs to pick up the children from school. I'm sick or arguing about the same things. He says I choose my job over my family but I need to work to pay the bills. He works too and does school pick ups then works around the children as he works at home. I just don't know what to do. Do I change jobs despite just taking a promotion? Do I just try to put the family first more enen though I think I already do? Do I leave? Help

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 06/12/2024 00:15

Do NOT leave your job. This man is verbally abusive to you. He wants you to leave your job so you become financially dependent on him. Because then you will be trapped and he will be better able to ramp up his abuse of you. Do NOT give him that power. Keep your job and leave your husband.

TipsyJoker · 06/12/2024 00:16

Also, your kids are learning this is appropriate behaviour. Don’t let them grow up around an aggressive, verbally abusive, controlling man or they will become one or be one a victim of one.

Workingthroughit · 06/12/2024 00:17

Stay at home and be his domestic slave??? He can jog on.
Keep the job. Ditch the misogynistic man.

username299 · 06/12/2024 02:06

For some reason he thinks he's your manager and he gets to allocate you jobs. He hasn't worked out that you're his equal and have agency over your life.In addition, he's irrationally insisting that you do something you can't afford to do.

He's trying to bully you into doing something you don't want to do because he's controlling.

Cornflakes44 · 06/12/2024 02:37

Sounds like he doesn't want to parent and pull his weight. I think you need to keep your job and maybe suggest he quits his to help the family out. Bet he won't like that.

VenusOfTheKitchen · 06/12/2024 02:48

It's awful when you feel trapped in nasty arguments that are never resolved, and it's not good for anyone in the family. I have found for me it only got nastier on divorce.
Is there any scope for looking at getting a childminder to do pickup or a babysitter to cover while your husband finishes work in the evening? Could also look into couples counselling if verbal abuse is mutual not one sided to help you both manage disagreements better? Neither is cheap, but nor is divorce. If it's the one issue causing the arguments then solving that might stop the downward spiral? Fingers crossed for you.

beetr00 · 06/12/2024 03:05

You said "He works too and does school pick ups then works around the children as he works at home"

As you know, the vicious arguing is not acceptable @Workingmum89.

Can you unpick what is actually the underlying problem?

Is it "just" because he hates having to interrupt work to collect the children and then work around them? Or is there much more to it?

Arguing and trading insults is soul destroying. I hope you find a solution that's good for you all, don't give up your job though 💐

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