Dumped him and wonder if I should have

[Chocolatex]

I was dating a man for 3 months until yesterday, and I guess I am wondering if I did the right thing?

I thought he was a good guy and we liked the same things. It was our things in common which drew me to him originally so conversation was good. I didn't dislike being with him.

I am hoping to start a family asap, I'm already 35 years old. And I think I worry I have let him go for the wrong reasons and am jeopardising my chances of a family now. Before him I had been single since my late twenties and was fed up.

although I enjoyed being around him, I realised that I wasn't feeling attracted to him for his lack of ambition and his low self esteem. I didnt think he was bad looking, but he is quiet and most definitely introverted whilst I am extroverted. I'm attracted to confident and self assured (but not cocky) men. I took him to a family get together and he didn't say much due to him being so shy. So already, his quiet manner wasn't completely for me. But the fact he actually said a few times that he didn't have much confidence, that turned me off.

The ambition thing was that he has worked for 15 years in a very small office doing admin for a small company. Things like answering the phone and emails. And he was comfortable to be there and on minimum wage. He also house shared as he doesn't save and doesn't plan to (says he cant afford to). He had no plans to move from the house share, despite being the oldest by far there at 38.

I on the other hand, have my own property, am passionate about my work and want to do well and his attitude towards his life really started to grate on me a bit as I had hoped for someone in a similar situation to me. He did say he wanted a family as well but I pointed out I can't be the only one saving and providing for it

long story short, I thought he had a nice caring personally and he was lovely towards me, but I felt he lacked ambition and was happy to be stuck where he is in life and wasn't doing anything about it. He said he wanted to improve things when we would speak about it, but it became clear after a few months that he wasn't actually planning to change anything and it was all talk.

But was I being unfair and should I have given him more of a chance?

You had a gut feeling which has probably saved you - it wouldn’t have got any better over time

He sounds like he'll make a good partner for someone else.

You did the right thing for you.

Sounds like you absolutely did the right thing for you.

He’s not for you. Don’t settle to have a kid because it won’t work.

Dodged a bullet there, lovely. Sounds like a loser.

You did exactly the right thing. Don't panic!

It doesn't sound like you're compatible and have very different outlooks on life. You've done the right thing.

I didn't dislike being with him.

If that's your criteria for a relationship, your bar is very low.

I have no idea what's going on with you OP. He's not what you want at all and is unlikely to change so I don't understand why you're questioning yourself.

Move on. Look into having children by yourself.

There's a lot of pressure in your mid thirties if you want kids. But having them with the wrong guy is the worst decision. I would throw yourself into dating. Join hobbies, groups and give it two years to meet someone then if it doesn't work think about having a kid on your own.

I know both men and women who are just happy to plod along. They just get a job and stay there. They get comfortable and don't want to avail of more education or courses that could led to a better job or career. They are happy to be still living at home or renting.
A man of 38 with a min wage job that he has been in for 15 years with no savings and renting is not a good prospect. I know people who worked in min wage jobs but they used it as a stepping stone to something better.

Your 35, have a good job and have your own property. I know your 35 and want a child but you need to meet someone at a similar life stage of a decent job. savings ect. You were right to end things with him when you found out these details and with what you observed.
The worse thing you can do is marry or have have a child with the wrong man. It's not fair on you or the child.

You were right.
I've got friends who - if dating seriously - set out their standards clearly at the outset in terms of age, income, assets, prospects, etc.
I used to think it was a bit too clinical, but actually we all do it at some stage, so maybe it is best to do it sooner rather than later when your judgement may be emotionally clouded.
You might feel your biological clock ticking like mad, but at 35 you don't need to panic, just make sure you're fishing in the right pond.

You definitely made the right choice.

Sounds like you made the right decision, I'm a big believer in how partners should actually properly fancy (and respect) each other rather than just get along OK.

Having said that I have a female friend I've known for many years with a high powered job, own house, lots of money etc., who divorced in her early 30s, then later met a gentle, quiet man who didn't have much going for him career-wise. They have two children and he is a wonderful SAHD, does all the housework etc. It works for them, they're very happy.

You were right. If you have doubts at 3 months he was not the right person for you. At 3 months the right person will feel amazing, not disappointing.

Don’t settle. When someone is the right person you just know. They’re not perfect (who is?!), but they’re perfect for you.

I'm glad to read the replies. I wondered if I was being a bit rash by ending things when I did think he was a lovely man.

Good move. I think you would have despised him eventually.

Don’t be like most couples who just get together for the sake of it, have kids and then end up divorced in 10 years time.

We’re conditioned to believe ‘there are no good men out there’ and the feel pressure to settle for a guy simply because he isn’t an abusive prick.

you did the right thing.

I still have mixed thoughts today. Probably as I'm back on the OLD apps and not finding anyone. I think had a stayed though, it would of been purely due to wanting children, not because of him

If you’re not absolutely feeling excited after 3 months then he’s not the one for you.

I don’t agree with PP’s calling him a loser but you’re just not both in same page

You made the right choice then 😁
tbh I think it wouldn’t harm to take a short break before you dive back in?

You absolutely did the right thing and congratulations

Good luck with the next one

good decision.