He doesn't care

[Conflictedelf]

After nearly 20 years, we don't get on any more. I'm not happy and have said I want to split and leave. We've discussed and came up with a plan for how I can leave - money and housing arrangements. It hurts though that he doesn't care. No question but if you can give me any words of strength please do 😌

Theres always pain before a birth. This is the beginning of your new, happier life. You will have a period of mourning your old life but ultimately, this is your time now. This is your new start where you’re in charge and all possibilities are open to you. Grab it with both hands and build the life you truly want for yourself. I’m excited for you.

OP it hurts because although you're not happy, splitting isn't the solution you really want.

He's checked out of your relationship and sadly he's not likely to get back in it. You need to come to terms with that and it's hard when you think of the good times you had.

It's not going to feel better overnight but bit by bit you'll start to find a new freedom. You'll find new things that make you happy.

You've already shown massive strength by saying you won't live like this anymore, rather than putting up with it because it feels easier or safer. Keep hold of that strength. Look to the future where you're not being unvalued or made to feel less than, but can be whoever you want to be. You can value yourself.

Good luck💐

Maybe he is pretending that he doesn't care? Was he taken by surprise or has he been feeling this way too?

After 20 years, you're going to feel some hurt, and I'm sure he will too - although he might not show it (now, anyway).
But you don't get on - you need more - so try to think about your future not your past.

Thanks everyone. Whenever we discussed in the past he has begged me to stay, so this is different and seems final. I'm awake at night upset and he's sleeping like a baby. We've hung on so long I think I am I'm disbelief, even though I know it is 100% the right thing.

Maybe he’s heard it all before so thinks you’ll be staying anyway in a calling your bluff way.

This is a lovely post and I would urge you to try and take the advice.

You have a plan- that’s great. Begin to populate it with images of how your room/s will look; what food you’ll make for yourself; what telly you’ll watch. Everything you might currently compromise on or not be able to do because of the relationship. Really visualise how life will be better for you.

There will be sadness, too, but feel it without guilt and it will pass.

Look to the future instead of back at the past. He will be in the past soon. You gave it a good go and now it’s time to move on to the next phase of your life.
People sometimes regret when they’ve split because it’s hard work and all the stability and familiarity is gone along with financial stress. Remember why you are splitting and don’t romanticise. Anyway it’s easier if he doesn’t care than if he was fighting and begging you to stay. Why do you still want him to want you when you don’t want him?
Any children?

We have 2 children. I agree it will be easier in the long run if he doesn't care or argue, but while were still living together and he's so cold it hurts. I realistically can't move out for a while til the new place is arranged.

But this is what you want OP.

He has tried begging you to stay previously but it hasn't worked long term, perhaps he's just tired of being the one trying to keep you together.

If I was him I would get to a point where I just didn't care, you would have worn me down that there would be no fight or desire to fight left.

You can't have it all ways.

You are getting what you want, no obstacles, look forward, stay amicable, you will always share the children.

God, I remember this like it was yesterday.

My ex-husband was the same, absolutely unbothered. He was very matter of fact and disengaged about the whole thing. I walked round our house like a shadow, before I moved out. I remember once being in the spare room crying, and he came in specifically to ask what I was crying for, then just looked at me and left. I packed my stuff, moved it out while he was sat there watching TV like nothing was happening, and I’ve never looked back.

We’re better off without them, I promise. Get out and find your happiness, because it doesn’t live there.