What can i do ....

[Iworryalot]

My DH and i have been married for almost 8y now and theres always been a an issue with drink .
he has a problem with it and its slowly destroying our life , he promises to stop and doesnt , he drinks most days in the evening ,and goes mad at the weekend ,its starting to really get me down as whatever i try to say he does the opposite of ,but now the children are starting to notice and thats what upsets me the most ,when hes soba hes lovley ,funny ,kind loving and great with the children , what can i do if he wont listen to me ....

does he admit there's a problem or does he only promise to stop to avoid a lecture?

if he understands there's a problem there are lots of support agencies he could go to for advice and counselling.

however if like i suspect from your post he's only saying he'll stop to placate you then it might be time to send him a message.

sit him down (sober) and explain to him exactly how you feel about the drinking, what his kids see and feel and how close to breaking point you are. give him an ultimatum, get counselling and advice on how to cut down/stop within a certain time frame or else the future of your marriage is in jeopardy

I agree with tulips, you need to talk to him and set some boundaries - most alcoholics are lovely BUT...

The boundaries I would (and have) set are

1. he goes to AA and STOPS DRINKING
2. you and the kids go to alAnon and AlTeen.

If he keeps drinking you must leave him - and if you're not sure you are worthy enough to have a lovely life, think of your children and that they deserve more than this brutal childhood with a drunk, that they are having.

I left my alcoholic partner, and it was the best thing I ever did. He sorted himself out eventually, but I was so glad I didn't give him those 10 years before he did.

good luck!

Thanks , have had many chats and in the cold light of day he says he will stop but he has any excuse and he will pop to the bub after work and thats it .....

hi pt! must mail you.

iworry. if he wont listen to you you have to start acting rather than talking. if he has a drinking problem he needs to give it up for himself and no amount of nagging from you will get through to him.

you must not talk to him when he's drunk. ideally you should not let him in when he's drunk. if he can coast along in life he will have no need to stop.

having an alcoholic parent can damage you emotionally for life. are you sure you still want him in the house? however you can avoid the majority of the pain for your children by being honest with them. dont lie for him. dont ask them to lie for him. basically if he doesn't turn up you have to say 'dad is out, i dont know where he is tbh'. alcoholics upset all those around them. the main reason is that they involve their families in lying for them and feeling guilty. you must not allow this to happen to your children. or yourself.

dont let him make you believe that any of his drinking is your fault. alcoholics often do this. also after a binge they are really apologetic-behave well, buy flowers, help out a lot at home. this is the honeymoon period. they give just enough to keep you hanging on through all the bad times.

you can be a support to your dcs. but drinking problems are for life. it's a long road ahead. if your husband is not at all considering professional help eg. AA then you have to think long and hard about whether you want to be in a relationship with him. the children are priority.
of course if he decides to go for help he'll need your support and love. sounds like you're ready to give it to him which is great.

sorry for long post!
i'm sure plenty ppl on here will be a great help to you. stay strong and keep posting

Thankyou you say whats true , will be back later DD woke up

The sad thing is that there is nothing you can do. If he doesn't want to give up he won't no matter if he tries to stop for you and the dc. Alcoholics will only stop drinking when they are ready (sadly this is usually when they have lost everything and are at rock bottom).
You should think about what you want long term and assume he will carry on drinking. As someone else said for the sake of your dc you cannot be seen to condone his drinking, let them know you don't like it, when he's at the pub tell them that's where he is and don't cover up for him. I grew up with an alcoholic father and now I am involved with an alcoholic so it does have a long term effect on children.
I am in a similar situation to you and I have made my partner move out. I made the rule that if he is sober he is welcome in my house and to see my dc, but if he's drunk I refuse to see him. It's working Ok for now and he is waiting for counselling as he knows he's got a problem, but it has taken a long time and a lot of heartache to get to this point.
Good luck.

ginnedup you're very brave. it's so hard to put the foot down isn't it? dd's dad has a drinking prob and it's taken me a long time along with plenty counselling to understand it all.

it's the most frustrating, powerless situation you can be in, to see someone you love hurting themselves so badly.

Thanks mlm. I don't feel brave, I feel weak sometimes because what I should do is let him drink himself into the gutter without me but I'm never strong enough to let go.
I've taken a step back from it but you're right it is the most frustrating thing to see them put drink first.
Sorry to hijack Iworryalot, I hope you are OK.